We met up with our favorite reality Sapphics contemplating the definition of lesbian sex. This age-old riddle of the Sphinx continues to stymie both the gay and straight world. Surprisingly conventional, some of the ladies seem very wedded to the idea that penetration defines sex. 
Mikey attempted a grand romantic gesture by planning a surprise commitment ceremony for Raquel in Vegas. Fortuitously for Raquel, she missed her flight, thereby foiling the nuptial plans. When Raquel finally arrived in Vegas the next day, she and Mikey played a game of strip pool before engaging in the least sexy bath time behavior ever. Raquel is hot, but Mikey reminds me of a blond, lesbian, Meatloaf. 
Tor’s naive ass acted confused upon hearing that Whitney has been hooking up with other girls. Whitney tried to keep Tor’s infatuation going by making her believe she had an outside chance. Unlike Romi, Tor said she wasn’t going to let Whitney douche her around. Let’s hope she legitimately has the grit to withstand Whitney’s catnip.
Melinda trained Whitney for the first time, and Whitney seized the opportunity to invite her out for that night. When Whitney arrived at the bar, she was stoked to see Miranda waiting out front. Delighted at discovering Miranda is at least marginally attracted to women, Whitney brought her panty-dropping flirt. The sight of Whitney wooing another sent Romi into a jealous shame spiral, and she could not control the compulsion to make a scene for the cameras. Having satisfied her appetite for Romi’s noni, Whitney told Romi’s over-dramatic ass to fuck off.
Nikki and Jill lost their shit when they received quotes for the wedding dresses ($6,175 a piece) and wedding planner. Working themselves into a veritable frenzy, the two tried to negotiate the price down. Immediately after, they second-guessed themselves and called the wedding planner back and agreed pay her full quote ($7,650). Don’t get so fucking emotional when negotiating. It’s just a number; it is not an indictment of your character. Folks just don’t understand the art of the counter-offer.
Jill and Derek went Valentine’s shopping for a flip cam for Nikki. Derek expressed happiness for Jill and Nikki’s love, but also some regret he didn’t get in there with Jill before it was too late. Derek, don’t worry, since you were depicted as sensitive and caring, soon you’ll be getting more pussy than you know what to do with, Trust. 
Nik’s Mom is a professional ballroom dance teacher yet somehow Nik doesn’t know how to dance. Mom’s main gay talked Nik into purchasing a package of dance lessons, so she and Jill could prepare a tango for their impending nuptials.
Surprisingly, this is the first Valentine’s Day Jill and Nikki have spent in the same city. The two exchanged gifts in bed. Jill enjoyed the practicality of the dance lessons, and Nikki seemed to genuinely appreciate the flip cam. These two are the lesbian equivalent of a Pottery Barn catalog.
Stamie and Tracy had the kids again this weekend. Tracy was hoping for time to vent; instead, the house was hectic and child-filled. A dog person, Tracy felt that in Stamie’s household, her needs and the needs of her canines were not adequately met. They struggled to put the kids asleep so they could enjoy a few quality minutes on their first Valentine’s Day. Tracy’s a fucking idiot to play wifey this early in the relationship. Instead of getting her idealized Valentine’s Day, the two hosted a family celebration with pizza and balloons. Stamie gave Tracy a key to the house. I’m surprised she doesn’t already have one. I thought all full-time babysitters had housekeys. 
Proving the break-up-make-up cycle is especially short in lesboland, Rose and Natalie chose to ignore last week’s discord and tried to have a great Valentine’s Day. Natalie shot some sexy cheesecake photos as her gift. Rose got a room at a local resort for Natalie. Both went through the motions of a romantic evening, but the underlying tension between the two dampened any sincere excitement. Natalie busted out the seductive photos, and Rose said she forgave her for getting a breast reduction. The two took it back up stairs for the cliché rose-petals-on-the-bed-crap. Just remember, in real life somebody has to clean up all those fucking flowers.
Whitney prepared special effects make-up for an upcoming horror film. While talking to the filmmaker, he offered her the role of the main female character. This offer sent her into a body image tailspin motivating her to procure a trainer post-haste. Whitney selected her trainer off YouTube. When she arrived, Whitney immediately got a lady-boner for Miranda and wondered if she was gay.
A Raquel-less Mikey spent her Valentine’s Day arranging a lovely makeover day for her Aunt. Romi, Whitney’s weeping dignity issue, happened to pop up as the staff make-up artist. Mikey grilled Romi about her love life, so Romi described Whitney – clearly piquing Mikey’s interest. 
Romi called Whitney and begged her to come to the Abbey. When Whitney arrived, she and Mikey hit it off and competed over who would be the table’s “top.” Whitney said she is “pants” and therefore Mikey needed to “pump” it up a little to appeal to her. In the end, Romi and Whitney once again ended up in the kip, and Romi even gave us a little side order of tittay!
We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport. Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A. Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation. Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.
Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard. I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.” Amen Stamie. Tracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up. She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood. These two ain’t gonna make it.
Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show. She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project. The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism. She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.” 
At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks. Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for Tracy. Stamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention. 
Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps. Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. 
Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside. Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her. 
Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation. Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.
Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction. She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks. Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque. They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed. Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl. Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two. 
Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night. These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!” Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment. 
Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?” Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.
Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner. Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations. This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity. Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.
When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument. Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out. These two probably made up and fucked that night. It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable. Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?