Tag Archives: Sandra Bullock

gravitas

GRAVITYLast night, I saw Gravity with three friends.  The heavily-praised Gravity is the first movie that has gotten me back to the theater since the last mass shooting scared me away from dark crowded places.  I haven’t seen a movie in 3D since I was just a little dumpling and waaaaaaay back then the technology was seriously lacking.  For you old bitches who remember, in the eighties 3D meant tracers of red and green shadows more than an actual change in perception.  So I grabbed my bulletproof vest and headed out with my friends to my first 21st century 3D experience.  I am going to talk about the movie now, so I warn you….GRAVITY CLOONEY

***Spoiler Alert***BULLOCK GRAVITY

Everybody is just gush, gush, gushing about this film, and technically I admit it is superb.  Yet joining the river of gush isn’t my style, nor is it helpful to my loyal and discerning following.  All glory and goodness aside, here’s a fourstack of eyeroll on Gravity.GRAVITY1) Blame the woman.  A Russian spy satellite breaks apart and the debris has initiated a 90 minute orbit of destruction.  Sandra Bullock plays “Ryan” a glorified space mechanic who is trying to make repairs on a space station.  As the space debris begins to hurl towards the astronauts (and the audience, it’s 3D!), Bullock continues to unconvincingly twiddle around clumsily in her oversized space gloves thereby momentarily delaying her return to the airlock.  Even though Ryan’s character has nothing to do with the destruction of the Russian spy satellite, later in the movie she actually apologizes to Clooney in a little girl voice.  Forget the Russians, if there is a vagina in space then blame it!  Obviously, it is the source of all evil!  GRAVITY DEBRIS2) Objectify the woman.  We learn in the first five seconds that space is hundreds of degrees below zero, without oxygen, and weightless.  Gravity describes space as “impossible.”  In a number of scenes, we see the astronauts’ breath fog it is so cold.  The sun comes only in glimpses.  So please explain to me why when Sandra removes her astronaut suit she’s wearing booty shorts and a tank top?  Really?  It is so cold that objects freeze solid, but Sandra’s rocking a short-short in space.  How do you pick a wedgie in a space suit?  For fucksake.  They will force female exploitation into every last crevice of cinema even where it doesn’t belong.  Sandra Bullock’s ass, while perfectly acceptable, is not germane to the narrative.REALLY GRAVITY3) Just grab something bitch!  Everything that can go wrong does go wrong which is the essence of Gravity’s realism.  What isn’t realistic is trained astronauts making the same rookie mistake over and over again even with extensive training.  Cuarón uses the same anxiety-inducing, ultimately tiresome manipulative set up: astronauts hurls towards large floating metal scaffolding and must grasp hold of the station or be set adrift in space.  One or two shots of them grasping at hand holds is exciting.  Towards the end, the audience is frustratingly screaming at the screen “GET A FOOT HOLD BITCH!”  Where is your upper body strength?  G-SUS.  Needless to say, “the breathless grasp” as we’ll call it, is an overused tension-creating device in Gravity.HANG ON GRAVITY4) Have the guts to let Gravity be what it is.  I understand Gravity to be a visual depiction of the physical manifestation of the profound loneliness we feel as an intrinsic and cruel part of the human condition.  We are born alone.  We die alone.  Everything in-between is an attempt to feel not so alone.  Gravity dickslaps you in the face with existential loneliness (now in 3D!).  I won’t straight-up spoil the ending, but I will describe it as “tidy.”  The cowardly crowd-pleasing finale diminishes the overall message.  It would have been much braver to go with an authentic conclusion consistent with the story’s challenging themes.GRAVITY ALONE

 

April 2013 Horoscopes

Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.

2012 Oscars Style Review: The Best, The Worst, The Most, The Toast

The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli

This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity.  Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.

You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture

Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number.  It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month.  It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.

Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon.  A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.

Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good.  Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.

Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here.  Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up?   “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”

Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.

Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity.  Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year.  It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa.  Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.

Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two.  Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black.  Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can.  Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them.  She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.”  Fucking voms yo.

The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel

While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.

Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi

Are we calling this mauve?  I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.

Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night.  It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice.  The side-swept hair is very Mariah.

Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown.  Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful.  Second best of the night.

Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci

I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t.  She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso.  It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.

Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl.  This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.

Sure to be Critically EvisceratedRooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this.  Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body.  If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.

Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior

She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.

Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.

Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors.  Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush?  WTF?  Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit.  Join us in 2012.

Sunday with Regina King

83rd Annual Academy Awards Fashion Review

The award for most improved goes to Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection.  After a tragic run, bitch clearly got a stylist. Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow.  Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack.  GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon StoneSharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee.  This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on HalleHailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season.  This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night.  Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night.  We all knew the Rodarte was coming.  Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy.  After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay.  Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline.  Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay.  Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic.  She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy CoutureHilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in GucciSwank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night.  Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier.  Remember, you saw it here first.Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues.  The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug.  These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer.

GOLDEN GLOBES 2011: the chic and the weak

Best of the night, Anne Hathaway in a modern fashion-forward Armani Privé gown (featured here in best gowns of Fall 2010 waaaay back in August).

Worst of the night, Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs serving Neapolitan nausea.

Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab.  These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice.  Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated.  Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier

Pretty pink princess Lea Michele joins her in Oscar de la Renta

Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac PosenWho invited Hewitt?

From the washed-up diva collection, Zuhair Murad dressed both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer LopezAwkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.

Julie Bowen in Tadashi Shoji - we want so much more for you Claire.

Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam.  Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. The two most overrated?  Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace.  Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown.  The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy?  Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown.  

The titty committee, January Jones in Versace and Halle Berry in Nina Ricci. The Glee girls gave good gownage.

Single-note strong colors adorn Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci and Elisabeth Moss in Donna Karan.

Most random?  A heavy-banged Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham

Tuesday’s Tarot

Attractive, appealing, and popular, the Queen of Wands makes a powerful first impression.  Befriending her is easy, and she attracts the opposite sex with her warm and outgoing personality.  Generally, Queens signal a turn inward; here, that manifests as quiet confidence.  Miz Wands brings frankness, enthusiasm, and vibrancy.  Certain Leo women mirror the attributes of this card like Madonna, Sandra Bullock, and Jackie O.  At her best, she’s all sunflowers and light, but don’t miss the black cat at her feet.  When reversed, this bitch is a demanding, manipulative, controlling bully.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Rodger’s Pussy Hurts

Rodger’s discontent has been simmering all season, but this week his epic case of pussy hurt was triggered by an unfinished plate of breakfast pasta.  Rachel rushed Rodger and Brad from the café to finish out Milan with the Armani, Gucci, and Pucci shows. Again, Rachel fixated on a totally inappropriate navy feathered Pucci gown for Demi Moore.  Short in the front long in the back is so wrong.  It is the fashion equivalent of a mullet.Back in L.A., figure skater Johnny Weir dropped by to collect a few looks for the Indie Spirits.  Brad tried to get his twirl on, but couldn’t quite compete, saying “I’m actually masculine next to him, and I don’t know if that really works for me.”Rachel concluded the visit by extending the ultimate invitation (and endorsement) to Mr. Weir, saying “Next time you come to L.A., I would like to invite you to my house to come play dress up in my closet, for real.”When the feathered Pucci gown arrived, Brad began to second guess whether it would work.  Rachel called Donatella who sent some sketches over.  Rachel decided to have two gowns whipped up for Demi, one in silver, one in blush.Later on, Rachel bitched about a migraine while Joey worked her weave.  While she was putting on Tom Ford’s last YSL, Rodger bitched and moaned to the uninterested help.  Joey bid adieu by yelling, “You guys look so beautiful, it’s a shame both of you have bitch attitudes.”  Unquestionably, this was the episode (if not season) highlight.Rodger woke up the next morning super bitchy and snipped at Joey and Rachel over the decibel of their morning activities.  A true masochist, Rodger decided to attend the fittings with Rachel.  He had no actual purpose in tagging along, so he just stewed in resentment and picked at Rachel until she grew a pair and shut his Bieberish ass down by reminding him, “This is a big day for me and my clients not you, so just calm down.”As a pouty Rodger sat in the car, Rachel dressed Cameron Diaz who barely made the red carpet.

No big surprise Sandra Bullock ended up in the Marchesa.  Too bad it was one of her worst looks of the awards season.  The finish down the front didn’t lie quite right making it look cheap, but at least someone had the good sense to remove that big ass bow from the shoulder. Demi wore the blush Versace and it fit beautifully.  Overall the look wasn’t hideous, but wasn’t that major either.  It was a little granny does bridesmaid. Cameron made more of an impact in the Oscar de la Renta dress, but as a former model, she wears clothes well.  It is pretty hard to fuck up styling DiazPost-Oscars, Mr. and Mrs. Zoe sat down to discuss their priorities.  Rodger complained of all the Rachel-centeredness and threw down a toothless ultimatum.  Obviously, Rodger’s clock is ticking.  Rachel, just give your wife a baby so his pussy can stop hurting.

How to Avoid Becoming Sandra Bullock

After the Nightline Jesse White Devil James interview last night the mainstream media has focused on his confession of childhood abuse as a explanation for his philandering.  Fuck that shit.  Here are the lessons to take away from the interview to avoid becoming Sandra Bullock.

Your initial instinct is right.  The first time Jesse James asked Sandra Bullock out, she said no.  She should have stuck with her gut instead of letting him wear down her resolve by email courtship.Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.  This man procreated with a porn star.  Enough said. Your suspicions are right.  Jesse admitted that Sandra had suspicions of cheating, and he lied to cover his tracks.  If you are suspicious, you have reason to be.  Don’t listen to what he says, look at what he does.Before Sandra married Jesse she expressed skepticism on the institution of marriage itself.  Don’t want to get divorced?  Don’t get married. Beauty is no inoculation against infidelity.  You may be the hottest shit ever, but that won’t prevent a pig from cheating.  Never allow a narcissist’s flattery to cloud your judgment.