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83rd Annual Academy Awards Fashion Review
Monday, February 28th, 2011
The award for most improved goes to Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection. After a tragic run, bitch clearly got a stylist. 
Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.
Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. 
Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. 
Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. 
We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay. 
Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.
Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. 
Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. 
Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.
Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.
Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer. 
GOLDEN GLOBES 2011: the chic and the weak
Monday, January 17th, 2011
Best of the night, Anne Hathaway in a modern fashion-forward Armani Privé gown (featured here in best gowns of Fall 2010 waaaay back in August). 
Worst of the night, Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs serving Neapolitan nausea.
Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. 
The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. 
More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Pretty pink princess Lea Michele joins her in Oscar de la Renta…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen. 
Who invited Hewitt?
From the washed-up diva collection, Zuhair Murad dressed both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. 
Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.
Julie Bowen in Tadashi Shoji - we want so much more for you Claire.
Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.
Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. 
The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. 
The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. 
Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown. 
The titty committee, January Jones in Versace and Halle Berry in Nina Ricci. 
The Glee girls gave good gownage. 
Single-note strong colors adorn Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci and Elisabeth Moss in Donna Karan. 
Most random? A heavy-banged Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham. 
Tuesday’s Tarot
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
Attractive, appealing, and popular, the Queen of Wands makes a powerful first impression. Befriending her is easy, and she attracts the opposite sex with her warm and outgoing personality. Generally, Queens signal a turn inward; here, that manifests as quiet confidence. Miz Wands brings frankness, enthusiasm, and vibrancy. Certain Leo women mirror the attributes of this card like Madonna, Sandra Bullock, and Jackie O. At her best, she’s all sunflowers and light, but don’t miss the black cat at her feet. When reversed, this bitch is a demanding, manipulative, controlling bully.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Rodger’s Pussy Hurts
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
Rodger’s discontent has been simmering all season, but this week his epic case of pussy hurt was triggered by an unfinished plate of breakfast pasta. Rachel rushed Rodger and Brad from the café to finish out Milan with the Armani, Gucci, and Pucci shows. 
Again, Rachel fixated on a totally inappropriate navy feathered Pucci gown for Demi Moore. Short in the front long in the back is so wrong. It is the fashion equivalent of a mullet.
Back in L.A., figure skater Johnny Weir dropped by to collect a few looks for the Indie Spirits. Brad tried to get his twirl on, but couldn’t quite compete, saying “I’m actually masculine next to him, and I don’t know if that really works for me.”
Rachel concluded the visit by extending the ultimate invitation (and endorsement) to Mr. Weir, saying “Next time you come to L.A., I would like to invite you to my house to come play dress up in my closet, for real.”
When the feathered Pucci gown arrived, Brad began to second guess whether it would work. Rachel called Donatella who sent some sketches over. Rachel decided to have two gowns whipped up for Demi, one in silver, one in blush.
Later on, Rachel bitched about a migraine while Joey worked her weave. While she was putting on Tom Ford’s last YSL, Rodger bitched and moaned to the uninterested help. Joey bid adieu by yelling, “You guys look so beautiful, it’s a shame both of you have bitch attitudes.” Unquestionably, this was the episode (if not season) highlight.
Rodger woke up the next morning super bitchy and snipped at Joey and Rachel over the decibel of their morning activities. A true masochist, Rodger decided to attend the fittings with Rachel. He had no actual purpose in tagging along, so he just stewed in resentment and picked at Rachel until she grew a pair and shut his Bieberish ass down by reminding him, “This is a big day for me and my clients not you, so just calm down.”
As a pouty Rodger sat in the car, Rachel dressed Cameron Diaz who barely made the red carpet.
No big surprise Sandra Bullock ended up in the Marchesa. Too bad it was one of her worst looks of the awards season. The finish down the front didn’t lie quite right making it look cheap, but at least someone had the good sense to remove that big ass bow from the shoulder. 
Demi wore the blush Versace and it fit beautifully. Overall the look wasn’t hideous, but wasn’t that major either. It was a little granny does bridesmaid. 
Cameron made more of an impact in the Oscar de la Renta dress, but as a former model, she wears clothes well. It is pretty hard to fuck up styling Diaz. 
Post-Oscars, Mr. and Mrs. Zoe sat down to discuss their priorities. Rodger complained of all the Rachel-centeredness and threw down a toothless ultimatum. Obviously, Rodger’s clock is ticking. Rachel, just give your wife a baby so his pussy can stop hurting.
How to Avoid Becoming Sandra Bullock
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
After the Nightline Jesse White Devil James interview last night the mainstream media has focused on his confession of childhood abuse as a explanation for his philandering. Fuck that shit. Here are the lessons to take away from the interview to avoid becoming Sandra Bullock.
Your initial instinct is right. The first time Jesse James asked Sandra Bullock out, she said no. She should have stuck with her gut instead of letting him wear down her resolve by email courtship.
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. This man procreated with a porn star. Enough said. 
Your suspicions are right. Jesse admitted that Sandra had suspicions of cheating, and he lied to cover his tracks. If you are suspicious, you have reason to be. Don’t listen to what he says, look at what he does.
Before Sandra married Jesse she expressed skepticism on the institution of marriage itself. Don’t want to get divorced? Don’t get married. 
Beauty is no inoculation against infidelity. You may be the hottest shit ever, but that won’t prevent a pig from cheating. Never allow a narcissist’s flattery to cloud your judgment.
We’ve Got Spirits Yes We Do. We’ve Got Spirits How ‘Bout You?
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
This week Dean jetted off to NYC to promote a project even more D-List than a movie of the week – a sequel to a movie of the week called Santa Baby 2. 
While little asshole Liam snubbed his Dad, Tori made small talk while she waited for overpriced red velvet cupcakes to arrive at Dean’s hotel room. 
I’m sure they served as a nice nightcap to the wild night of coke and hookers he had planned while away from the McDermott Baby Factory.
As many of you have heard, Bori and Mean’s fairy godmother granted them a multi-million dollar development deal with Oxygen. One of the shows rumored in production is a wedding-themed show where Dean and Tori orchestrate nuptials for what I can only imagine are desperate couples. The Brandy wedding story line is a clear attempt to introduce the concept of the spin-off. For this event, Tori will double as planner and bridesmaid while Stella plays flower girl.
Man polish is more than a little gay.
Told you he was a bully.
In the haunted McMansion, Tori and Mehran learned that Liam’s been courting the dark side while Stella’s suffering from crib-side cold spots. This lead Tori and Mehran to call Mama Lola (captured beautifully by Whoopi Goldberg in an episode of So noTORIous.)
The real life Mama Lola and her spiritual lackey Zaar dropped by to balance Tori’s mojo. Miss Clairvoyant determined Tori’s preoccupied with Dean’s philandering by consulting with her magic oracle deck of playing cards.
Man-tunic wearing Zaar, channeling Otho from Beetle Juice, declared that two dead guys were chilling in the baby’s room sending Tori into a paranormal tailspin. 
Meanwhile downstairs, Mama Lola prepared Tori’s ritual cleanse. 
Stripped down to her silicone, Tori rubbed burning voodoo tonic all over her body while Mama Lola repeatedly insisted “it’s not cold.”
Mama Lola ordered Tori to wash her wcoocoon (booboon? raccoon?) sending Tori into a flaming woodle dance as Mehran and Zaar cackled in the background.
Dean returned from NYC with gifts for the children. He handed out candy to the kids and then chastised Tori for giving them the whole bag. Dick you brought the M&M’s, why don’t you ration them appropriately if you are so pussy-hurt about it?
Dean blew off the family his first day back to pimp some motorcycle crap that no one cares about. This is a man in his mid-forties and he acts like Nick Hogan. No surprise, they are both tribe douche. 
Again, instead of putting her Louboutin down on his nutsack, Tori let that shit slide and sought refuge in her gays. While sorting through pictures under the pretext of organizing, Tori found barf bags with puppy love proclamations from the early days of their courtship. She presented Dean with the nauseating mementos while they both sentimentalized Tori and Dean: the adultery years.
Both of these narcissists lack the insight to see that their marriage will never feel like their affair. Tori has become the woman Dean left for her. She married a serial cheater and it’s only a matter of time before she suffers a Sandra Bullock-style public humiliation.
Will She Stay or Will She Go?
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
I hear she’s packing her bags and loading the trucks!