Tag Archives: Sara

The Real L Word: A Lesbian Field Day

Whitney fetched SF fling Jaq from the airport to help organize The Pants & Pumps ThrowdownWhitney explained the event as a lesbian field day that pits the fem lezzies against the butch gals all for the benefit of charity.  Upon the conclusion of an afternoon of prop making, the two dropped trou for a slow, yet surprisingly lackluster showerfuck.

Francine’s mom Yoko flew in to LA and arrived dressed like a slot-machine-addicted Vegas retiree.  Even after throwing back two poolside cocktails and chain smoking a few cigarettes, Franny still couldn’t muster the courage to reveal her girl-loving proclivities to her strict Japanese mother.The next day Franny brought Yoko back to her house and tried to ply her with rice wine before dropping the gay sake bomb.  Yoko took it surprisingly well, probably because like most mothers of homosexual children, she’s known of her daughter’s predilection perhaps even before Francine did.  When Franny mentioned Claire and admitted the two were once lovers, Yoko echoed the sentiment of the season: “that girl really really bad.”In their on-going attempts to reproduce, Kacy and Cori assembled a group of friends for a fertility ceremony on the beach.  Using a traditional symbol of fecundity – lilies – the gang focused their energy on inviting a new soul to join them.  Then they optimistically tossed the flowers into the ocean one by one.

With a ripe follicle detected, Cori and Kacy underwent another round of insemination with the hope that this time the procedure would produce a baby.  A quick search did not reveal any confirmation that the two have since successfully conceived, but best of luck on their quest to breed.

After completing preparations for The Pants & Pumps Throwdown, Jac and Whit hit the club.  Sara turned up with new girlfriend Erica, and Whit was completely distracted by their drunk and fervent PDA.  Always caving to her carnal desires against her better judgment, it was obvious how this scenario would play out for WhitneySara’s been the one cooch she could never lock down, so Whit will keep going back over and over until she gains the upper-hand.  Whitney doesn’t love Sara. Whitney loves the chase.

The whole idea of a lesbian field day seemed lame at first, but in actuality the event looked pretty fun.  The series of contests from tying a tie to applying false eye lashes were meant to provoke stereotypes.  In some ways the contest just reinforced traditional notions, especially when the Pants predictably emerged victorious.

The day peaked with chocolate syrup kiddie pool wrestling.  Kacy and Cori got so hot watching nearly nude Scarlett and Eli struggle against one another they had to discreetly retreat to the bushes to alleviate the intolerable sexual tension.

After a challenging season, good news for Romi, her accessory line Hija Por Vida was well received by Udi Behr of Love and Pride.  The promising professional step left Romi and her partner Vanessa feeling elated.  However, Romi still can’t take credit for single-handedly starting the tired-ass feather earring trend.  Though she does deserve credit for pulling her life together and doing something more this season than get wasted and fucked with a second-hand strap on.

The Real L Word: My Jäger Mistake

As we know, Sajdah and Chanel share a birthday.  Saj’s friend Natasha hooked up a party house for a joint bash.  The two haven’t fucked yet, so they worked out all their pent up sexual frustration with living room lap dances.Truly living up to every lesbian cliché, Saj presented Chanel with a journal where she tearfully placed pen to page to express her intense emotions in a passage heavily peppered with the word “LOVE.”  After two weeks!A crew of Natasha’s friends rolled through and shifted the energy.  Saj wanted to split, but Natasha insisted she clean up before leaving.  Since the party was still popping off, Saj weighed the futility of the clean-up effort and tried to duck out the back with ChanelNatasha got increasingly aggressive to the point of pushing and shoving Saj.  Coke rage?  WTF?  Overreact much?Fleeing an attack, Saj snapped at Chanel for obliviously dicking around with friends outside while the drama went down inside.  With the taunts of the second-shift partygoers at their backs, Saj hustled Chanel into the car.  In her haste (and inebriation?), Saj hit a parked car while several witnesses stood around in the driveway.Frustrated and embarrassed, Saj dutifully exchanged information with the remarkably calm victim of her negligence.  No wiser for the experience, she then sped out of the driveway nearly clipping another car on the way out.On the way home, the couple engaged in their first fight.  They haven’t even fucked yet and they’re already fighting?  Tears before orgasms does not bode well.We mustn’t gloss over Claire’s self-entitled trip to Power Up.  Claire’s decided she wants to create a lesbian publication, starting with a website, focused on fashion, health, and an “upgrade your style kinda thing.”  (She’s a true master of both fashion and health; see ill-fitting all-black outfit and Parliament Lights.)When pressed by Stacy on her background, Claire admitted she had zero publishing background, no web expertise, and couldn’t write.  She received an icy reception from both women when she revealed that she had registered the MILFish domain name “dirty boudoir.”The Power Up duo recognized Claire’s total lack of resources, experience, and talent, and gently explained that her website idea wasn’t exactly novel.  To soften the blow, they offered her an internship which Claire outright rejected because she doesn’t want to be anyone’s “secretary.”Randomly, Rachel agreed to cut Bianca’s hair at the Sunset Marquis.  When Whitney returned from a smoke, she noticed Rachel was completely benzoed.  Floating on a Klonopin and cocktail cloud, Rachel didn’t even flinch when she cut herself and blood trickled down her hand.Whitney pulled Rachel aside and smacked her a few times.  Instead of sobering up, Rachel talked in a baby-voice and begged for more slaps.  Rachel was so faded she nodded out mid-conversation; her head flopping down like a bowling ball in a pillowcase.  Let this be a lesson – don’t phuck with pharmies.Whitney left Rachel sobbing, messy, and pill-popping to meet Sara.  On the way, Whitney saw Erica, Sara’s jump-off, a block from the salon where Sara works.  The coincidental geographical proximity was just too suspicious for Whitney.Once Sara hopped in the car, Whitney confronted her about the Erica sighting.  Sara unsuccessfully tried to play it off.  However, it finally crystallized to Whit that Sara lies her fucking ass off, and probably is trying to catch shine off her TV show.  Whitney dropped opportunistic Sara right off her nutsack and on to the curb.  Hopefully, this time the split is permanent.

Kacy and Cori organized a knock-em-back-before-we-knock-her-up-themed rager with some friends.  The enthusiastic drinkers downed round after round of questionably-colored shots.  Predictably, the evening ended with the sound of puke hitting bowl, and an utterance repeated in many a ladies’ room at 2:00 am, “Oh my God, that Jäger was the worst idea ever.”

The Real L Word: A Slap in the Vadge

After their late night visit to the pussy diner, Sara and Whitney woke up and enjoyed some leftovers before heading to the dog park.  Because the L.A. lesbian geographical scope is rather limited, Rachel spotted Whitney and Sara at the local canine hotspot.  Rather than spook the two post-coital lovers, Rachel & Company slithered away unnoticed.The Real L Word’s voice of reason Alyssa confronted Whitney on seeing Sara on the low.  The most interesting trinket of information gleaned from the exchange is that Sara’s tits are fake!  I must be losing my eye, because I didn’t spot the rather conservative enhancement at first.  Did you?

Gold Star Rachel, slapped in the vadge by Whitney’s disinterest, curled up with her laptop, a vibrator, and some blow job porn to rub one out for the cameras.  She admits she leans toward the girl on guy oral stuff because the girls “look like they’re whores.”After her kitty petting sesh, Rachel wisely took an indirect approach to dismantling Sara and Whitney’s relationship.  She sat down with Alyssa and revealed that Sara has been rekindling with her significant long-term ex Hana and tried to hustle a job at an NYC salon.  Rachel played out the scenario with mastery, confident that Alyssa would run to Whitney and tattle on SaraRachel sat by innocently with all the proof conveniently saved on her cell phone.Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa arrived for an L.A. visit.  A glowing Sajdah drifted through the conversation in a muffin haze describing her lusty obsession with new lady Chanel.

Later, the three met up to march in the MLK parade.  After the march, Sajdah and Chanel shared their first kiss.  Totally love-struck, who can hate?  These two are super cute.Kacy and Cori are still on the sperm hunt after their first-choice candidate declined by text.  At first, both were wedded to the idea of knowing the donor, and so they approached good friends and gay couple Olivier & Paulo who also politely demurred.  Drawing closer to Cori’s ovulation date, the two agreed to pursue anonymous donors over the internet.  They paid $200 to access donor profiles and found several candidates they saved to their favorites.

This week finds Claire and Francine struggling to establish their respective roles in the 2.0 version of their relationship.  The vibe started off fun and upbeat, but was soon soured by oversensitivity and bickering.

Romi and Kelsey had a tense and uncomfortable dinner with Romi’s change-of-life-lesbian Mom.  The two aired their dirty relationship laundry over Sake, and reaffirmed what we all know: that this shit is DOOMED.  We also learned Romi is 29!?, bi-polar, and an alcoholic.The following evening when Romi returned from work, she sent Kelsey out to the liquor store so the two could pre-game before a night on the town.  This is only relevant because it was very amusing that as Kelsey walked out we got a glimpse of the camera crew sitting on the floor outside the apartment in the hallway.  Very profesh editing Real L Word. All the ladies of various factions coalesced at girlparty Haute for beats and booze.  Even though the community is small, a few members of the cast were introduced for the first time.  Buzzed, Romi and Rachel obsequiously flirted and eventually smooched right in front of Kelsey. Whitney took her liquid courage and confronted Sara about Hana and her backdoor dealing.  Claire got all sanctimonious about the drama in the club and split.  Don’t worry Claire, your time for scene-making shouting matches will come before the season closes.Belligerently drunk by the end of the evening, Romi and Kelsey spent several minutes trying to arrange a cab while simultaneously fighting about Romi’s unmitigated make-out moment with Rachel.  The next morning, Romi feigned blackout amnesia to skirt responsibility for her drunk, slutty behavior the night before.  Kelsey seemed to buy Romi’s excuse, but she’s the only one. Dumbass Claire ruined a successful evening with Francine by rushing home to Skype with Vivian in NYC.  Understandably pissed off by Claire’s contradictory behavior, Francine nursed her her own stinging slap in the vadge.

 

The Real L Word: younger, thinner, nakeder

The Real L Word is back with Season 2, this time younger, thinner, and nakeder.  The only Sapphic star to make the second season cut…

Welcome back Whitney.

It will surprise no one to learn that Sara and Whitney are still doing the on and off thing.  Whitney’s closest friends oppose a relationship between her and Sara.  A more svelte appearing Alyssa suspects Sara’s true intentions are more starfucker than sweetheart.  Alyssa has always been and will always be the Yoda of this program.

Whitney’s only significant ex, Rachel, arrived in LA with her own intentions to complicated things further for the locked lezzie.  Whitney has no sympathy for jet-lag, so after Rachel hit the hay, Whitney snuck out the back door to meet Sara for a secret, yet fully-filmed fuck sesh.

Romi and the Rebound

Romi’s been promoted to full cast member this season season because she agreed to show full frontal.  She’s got a new rebound girlfriend named Kelsey who looks eerily like Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone.  Hovering around ten months, the relationship grieves the honeymoon stage and struggles with the transition into LTR.  The two admit they haven’t fucked in three weeks.After a tension-filled night on the town with another couple, Romi and Kelsey drunkenly groped on the bed, nearly breaking their 3 week dry spell before Romi abruptly fell asleep.  If that’s not a sign of imminent demise, what is?

Rice Chaser

New cast member Claire, dubbed a “rice chaser” by her own girlfriend for her tendency to date ladies of the pan-Asian variety, is leaving her east coast lesbiasian Vivian to rekindle the flame with her west coast lesbiasian FrancineClaire gives Whitney a run for the money in the narcissism department, but unlike the ladies of Whitney’s harem, Francine has no trouble putting Claire in her place.  In fact, Francine has the kind of nutsack most men would envy.  Upon Claire’s arrival to L.A., the two immediately started bickering.  Claire looks like a young Erica Jong, and carries all the tension in her mouth as she kisses one parliament light after another.

The Baby Makers

The show wouldn’t be complete without married baby makers Kacy and Cori.  Is the pussy willow picture a joke?  To further their steps towards procreating, the couple visited the sex store in search of something with which “you can strap on and squirt material at people.”  The helpful salesman offered a butt douche, but the two decided to return to more familiar waters and check out the DIY possibilities at Home Depot.

Later on, the baby makers swallowed their first bitter mouthful of disappointment when prospective sperm donor Brent backed out by text message.

Fresh out the Closet

Meet Sajdah, fresh out the closet and new to LA.  She takes no time in breaking into the scene via internet dating.  Using Facebook to connect with Chanel, she agrees to meet up for an open mic night.  Quietly eager, Sajdah rolled up to the date with laid back game.  The two had palpable chemistry and before long worked the latest dance craze – the pussy bump.

The Real L Word: Dinah Shorgy

The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning.  The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill.  The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original.  Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu.  Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union.  With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.

Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction.  Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party.  However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off.  The two got into it over going to the ladies room.  This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.

Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends.  Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings.  Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist.  Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships.  At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.

Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care.  Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her.  Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home.  Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve.  The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye.  Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics.  Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.

The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi!  Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin.  Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool.  In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone.  Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”

The Real L Word: Phoenix

Mikey continued her quest for a proper location for L.A. Fashion Week after her previous space fell through.  Borrowing from the concept at Bryant Park, she considered tents, but could barely pick her jaw off the ground when she was quoted $15,000.  At the last minute, Mikey closed on White Trash Beautiful, Richie Sambora’s unnecessary contribution to third-rate celebrity fashion lines.  The Bon Jovi money saved the day making Mikey’s tent city a more realistic possibility.Whitney and Scarlett headed up to San Francisco to embrace debauchery and avoid the local L.A. drama.  In a random coincidence, I’ve stayed at the Phoenix in San Francisco, the rocker-favored dive motel turned hipster haunt where Whitney and Scarlett set up camp.  The two used Scarlett’s makeup to play femme-the-butch for Whitney’s visit with go-go dancing Sara at Flourish. Whitney brought Sara back to the Phoenix for an after-hours dip in the pool and subsequently the world’s least sexy shower fuck.  In having experienced the microscopic size of the Phoenix bathrooms, it is truly mystifying how they managed to squeeze Whitney, Sara, and a camera crew to film these two getting it on like two girls gone wild in the filthy shower.The following evening, the girl group enjoyed poolside cocktails (the outdoor bar makes getting any actual sleep at the Phoenix impossible by the way).  After trading girlhood carpet-munching stories, Sara declared that she doesn’t get attached during sex.  By the way Sara, “irregardless” is not a word.  Regardless is a word.  Irrespective is a word.  Pick one; don’t combine.Whitney got a bitter swig of her own brew when confronted with Sara’s detachment.  In a momentary epiphany, Whitney realized that she does the same thing to girls by leaving them hanging.

Nikki and Jill continued to struggle with their wedding plans. They secured Camilla the wedding planner, but neither could stomach the $13,000+ price tag quoted for their custom wedding gowns.  The two began to consider off-the-rack alternatives which lead them to Les Habitudes.  The David Fielden-designed dress fit Nikki beautifully and Jill declared, “You look like a bride!”  With her Mom’s approval, Nikki finalized her decision and purchased the gown.  Jill felt unsure about her selection, so she wisely left empty-handed.  This is not the right dress for her.

Rose attended a lesbian wedding reception with her Father.  When Natalie arrived later, she and Rose immediately erupted into a huge fight.  The two pouted and sulked for the rest of the evening before going to bed angry. In spiteful response her relationship discord, Rose went behind Natalie’s back to rally her friends around an evening of strippers.  Rose is a frat boy trapped in America Ferrera’s body.  Rose tried to front like just because she wasn’t “touching” the nasty strippers that she somehow wasn’t cheating on NatalieRose we see those tittays on your head you grimy lying fratboy bitch.

The Real L Word: The Power of the Clam

The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene.  Most came into their sexuality in their twenties.  Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college.  Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport.  While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple.  These two met at summer camp.  Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day.  The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.

Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry.  Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.

Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding.  A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.

America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie.  She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.

At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing.  In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one.  She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.

Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit.  Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited.  When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole.  She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.

Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon.  “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.”  Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend NatalieNatalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family.  Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.

Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships.  What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships?  Stop sleeping with each other so soon.  The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip.  Sluttiness is so tired.  I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”  Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas.  The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner.  Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table.  Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000.  Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day.

At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled.  Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of SaraTracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued.  Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy.  Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on ShowtimeThe L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.

Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye.  Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece.  Play on playa.  Play on.