Tag Archives: Sarah Jessica Parker

Met Gala 2014: Black & White Basic Bitches

ANNA KENDRICK J MENDEL J. Mendel deposited a stiff Anna Kendrick into a fussy architectural number in which she appeared both lovely and seriously uncomfortable. RIHANNA MET BALL STELLA MCCARTNEYRihanna’s gorgeous face and defined abs almost distract me from this wrinkled two-piece Stella McCartney gimmick gown.  Do we really need a choker, exaggerated shoulders, tattoo, midriff, draping, and ruching all in one look?  CARA DELEVIGNE MET BALL 2014We get it Cara Delevigne, you’re a dyke and you wanna wear pants.  Lesbihonest, with access to every major designer on the planet, there is no excuse for anything less than an impeccable fit.  HAILEE STEINFELD PRABAL GURUNG Hailee Steinfeld almost gets it right with this graphic Prabal Gurung, but I can’t with the shoes and lipstick.  The overall look is just a skosh too pretty-perfect-matchy-finished.  Continuing sidenote: Do any of these wrinkly-ass bitches own a steamer? Goddamn. SJP OSCAR DE LA RENTA MET BALL 2014In a pairing as classic as black and white, SJP donned Oscar de la Renta.  Is “classic” just a euphemism for old-fashioned?NAOMI CAMPBELL MET 2014Here’s Naomi’s foot trying to escape from under that forgotten frock from Mrs. Roper’s Bridal CollectionCampbell’s feathery personal assault restraints sold separately.MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN MET BALL 2014The sisters Prune cloaked in mourning; MK in Ferre and Ashley in death by Chanel.  KATE UPTON DOLCE & GABBANA MET BALLKate Upton served up two tittypints of Dolce & Gabbana saloon slut.  Then Gisele arrived in Balenciaga to demonstrate how a supermodel does it, hunny. GISELE BALENCIAGA MET 2014

Do We Like the SJP Shoes?

SJP PROMOI’m sure by now you know Sarah Jessica Parker rolled out an exclusive namesake shoe collection at Nordstrom.  A few of these SJPs make me tingle.  I especially like the Pffeiffer-era-Scarface late 70’s early 80’s disco references, but I could never wear most of these styles.  My feet are wide and ugly.  I accept my shortcomings.  As a gift to all, I choose not to display said shortcomings in strappy footwear.  Conversely, Sarah Jessica Parker has exquisite feet.  Regardless, these retro heels aren’t cheap, and will therefore be knocked off immediately.  Brace yourself for a flood of crappy strappy.SJP SHOESSJP 1SJP SHOES 2SJP 3

MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

Ambassador Wintour?

What began as conspiratorial whispers has become semi-confirmed speculation that Anna Wintour will get her U.S. Ambassadorship.  I’m sopping this rumor up like gravy on a biscuit.  Forget The Devil Wears Prada, Jerry Oppenheimer’s Front Row: Anna Wintour: What Lies Beneath the Chic Exterior of Vogue’s Editor in Chief is the Anna Wintour biography.  If you have read this book, then Wintour’s hunger for this high-profile political appointment won’t come as any surprise to you whatsoever.  Bitch is hongray for prestige.    No doubt Anna hustled for Obama this year.  Wintour uncharacteristically humbled herself and curried favor with the President.  She used her contacts and power to fill a room with generous political contributors.  Anna allegedly tormented the shit out Sarah Jessica Parker until that $40,000 a plate fundraiser met her uncompromising standards. Why is this appointment so potentially exciting?  It means someone will replace Anna at Vogue!  Here’s hoping the new editor-in-chief can resuscitate a pulse to the lifeless, heartless, humorless, out-of-touch mag.  Please Obama, send her to The U.K., or better yet – France.  You owe us this one.

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

Are we over ombré?

For the last few years, many ladies have been rocking the ombré hair as seen here on Lily Aldridge.  This low maintenance style actually looks better as it grows out with darker roots and lighter tips. Transitioning from solid root-to-tip color towards gradual dark-to-light makes a lot of sense for fall.  Summer’s highlights can appear a little harsh against fairer skin.  It never hurts to freshen and revise your presentation every season.Ombré mimics the hair’s natural darkening as the Sun retreats and most of us head indoors.  This look feels right for this time of year, no?When executed correctly, the color shift should be subtle and without clear lines of demarcation like Mz. Simpson.  It should not look like the tips of your hair were soaked in a bucket of bleach à la Teyana Taylor.  Some may argue that ombré is so over, but this inexpensive alternative to pricey and high maintenance highlights ain’t going anywhere.  This modern and easy color option flatters most folks.At the moment, Giuliana Rancic is the unabashed poster girl for this trend.  She’s been repping this look for a hot minute.  We agree her extensions are about six inches too long though, right?  Desperate much?Those who want to crank it up a notch, consider a gradient of red hues or working a strong bang into the mix.

MET GALA 2011: LONG LIVE MCQUEEN

Michelle Williams put a bird on it. Daphne Guinness and SJP in McQueen.

A disastrous Blake and shimmery Anna in Chanel (psst, saw it here first Feb 3rd).  Newd hued for the youngsters.This is not the couples portion of the pageant B. Madonna and that other GuyMarc Jacobs and Robert Duffy send a nod of the knee to McQueen’s heritage.  Tux on top, tartan down low.The ChristinasRicci>HendricksKristen Stewart sliced through the party in Proenza Schouler.Paltrow repped Stella McCartney.More beige-y neutrality from Zellweger and Hayek (also in McQueen), but Salma’s just-fucked hair was the best of the night. JLO served severity and overkill.  Bleeding Armadillo. An unexceptional showing from the supermodels: Gisele, Naomi, Carolyn, and Miranda. Hey Kayne.

RENT THE RUNWAY

Recently, I tried Rent the Runway (www.renttherunway.com), the online designer dress rental service.  Thought you might be curious about the experience, so here’s what’s up.

How it Works

There are many different ways to browse Rent the Runway, by size, occasion, color, and date availability, (among others).  After selecting a look or looks, decide if you want to rent for 4 or 8 days.  Rental fees range from $50 to $200, not including shipping.  You get to pick a back-up size for free.  Yes, that’s right — same dress, two sizes, no extra charge, just in case.

The Experience

RTR sent me an email with tracking information so I could follow the progress of the package.  Seeing as I was relying on my selections for a mayjah event, I found this feature soothing.

The dresses arrived on hangers, wrapped in plastic, inside a RTR reusable garment bag.  There was a cute thank you card and samples of useful products like antiperspirant remover.  The package also included return shipping envelopes (USPS) with shipping labels, proper postage, and return address labels affixed.

I chose Helmut Lang and Halston Heritage, and neither disappointed.  The quality of the Helmut Lang was far superior to the Halston Heritage (janky zipper, oversize beltloops), but the smaller size of both selections fit, and overall I was delighted.  The duet of dresses were unequivocal crowd-pleasers.

Pros and Cons

I recommend investigating RTR for the following reasons.  First, wouldn’t you rather support actual designers than down-market designer knock-offs?  Seriously, our designer friends need our help in these dire economic times where fashion houses are feeling the hurt.  If you can’t afford to invest in the real thing, at least you can support these artists by renting the genuine article.Second, how often are you really going to want to re-wear cocktail looks?  RTR allows you to keep it fresh without accumulating a lot of stuff you probably won’t wear very often.  It also allows you to experiment with trends without steep financial commitment.My criticisms are as follows.  The selection of designers is not as high-end as I would like, and there isn’t enough variety.  They pretty much just have dresses and accessories, no jackets, pants, or suits.  I would also like more fashion-forward and avant-garde selections.

Advice

One word of advice, you really need a strong sense of your body, clothing fabrication, and what flatters you.  If you’re relying on wearing a dress to a big event, you better be damn sure it fits.  Can you look at photos and know how a garment will look on you?  Some people have this skill, some people don’t.  Which are you?  This talent alone will make or break your experience with RTR.

SJP PRIMER

Before you rush out to the new SATC movie (which looks like it sucks balls) do your SJP homework.

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN

This is when I really fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Look out for a pre-teen Shannen Doherty as the little sister and Helen Hunt as the cool best friend.  Pure unadulterated 80’s dance nostalgia.

SQUARE PEGS, SQUARE PEGS, SQUARE, SQUARE PEGS!

This shit is old school, like 28 years old (1982-1983), but think of it as the My So-Called Life of the 80’s (in that it was canceled before its time).  The ultramodern show had a twenty episode run and the complete series is available on DVD.  Consider it Carrie Bradshaw the early years.  Unexpected bonus: Jami Gertz kills a as a stick-up-the-ass Paris Geller type.