Virgo
Happy Birthday virtuous Virgos! Rooted in Earth and known for mutable and feminine qualities, Virgo communicates eloquently and possesses impeccable manners. This month you’ll be especially articulate and persuasive. In September, carefully mind your bank accounts and holdings. Relationships are simpatico. You and your partner feel especially synchronized. Keep the wallet shut. If you must spend, research bargains. Special Virgo birthday shout out to my long time EDF Lisa. Love you girl.
Libra
Libras are vulnerable to identity theft this month. It will come from an unexpected person or organization. Mindfully manage personal information in all dealings this September. Sloppiness will cost you. After some misunderstandings last month, you find a way to make things right with your charm and diplomacy. A genuinely forgiving attitude can salvage relationships. September brings on spendy temptations. Maintain a conservative attitude towards purchases.
Scorpio
That long hard run has finally caught up to you, forcing Scorpios to spend most of September nursing themselves back to health. Don’t be thinking you are the exception to the rule of proper diet and ample rest. You more than anyone suffer when you let those areas of self-care slide. New friends enter the mix this month. Let your guard down a little and enjoy some fresh energy. The career takes off this month. Build a trustworthy team to support your professional ascent.
Sagittarius 
Sags look forward to an evenly paced September. You might get a little restless and plan a fun trip or finally engage in that activity you’ve been meaning to try. If that new activity happens to be sexual, remember dirty things end up on the internet. All this creativity floods relationships with happiness. Those unattached may convert friendship to love this September. Professionally, all looks favorable with new opportunities on the horizon.
Capricorn
Capricorns feel lost right now professionally and personally. Afraid of exhibiting vulnerability, you stifle your true voice. When Caps reveal the truth, success will follow in both areas. September is a better month for major splurges. Evaluate the options carefully and then move forward. An opportunity for a trip or visitors materializes this month. Try to make it happen.
Aquarius 
Occasionally, the stars align and the clouds rain down good fortune. Such is the case for Aquarius this September. Games of luck and chance could be especially profitable. Visits with your partner’s family may send chills up your spine. Swallow down all those little jabbing comments with a gulp (of booze). Transportation could get hectic during the last half of the month. Hitch a ride, or better yet walk.
Pisces
Pisces shine in September. You trade in melancholia this month for a buoyant mood. This sunny outlook brightens and lightens the heavy hearts of those surrounding you. Even though Pisces burst with energy in September, listen carefully. Don’t get behind with responsibilities even when fun calls. Prioritize wisely and you can fit everything in this busy September.
Aries
September brings a little romantic intrigue for Aries. Evaluate the situation with a skeptical eye. Stay mellow this month and keep social engagements casual and easy. After the 18th, the planets provide a social jolt, but feelings remain murky. Seemingly out of nowhere, another option pops up at the end of September. Wait for the reveal before making any permanent decisions.
Taurus 
Prepare for struggle and strife this September, Taurus. People will drive you crazy with their agendas and maneuvering. Try not to get too upset. You know deep down that focused and thorough work pays off. On the relationship front, an interesting opportunity arises. Don’t dismiss this person just because the immediate impression isn’t romantic. Listen to your inner nudge; it could save your ass this month.
Gemini 
You’ve done well lately financially Gemini and you will continue to prosper. Keep on eye on the portfolio this September or your investments could take a hit. After a busy summer, relax and nest this month. Keep activities family-oriented and home-centric. Make further connections by getting to know friends of friends. At times you disregard your instincts and first impressions. If something or someone feels off, it is.
Cancer
Your purse gets slutty this month and opens her legs indiscriminately to fulfill your shopping desires. Tell that ho to slow her roll so you don’t end up one bankrupt Cancer. That control freak in your life – avoid that motherfucker in September. Some fun creeps in by way of day trips. Maybe consider an end of summer romp in the amusement park for nostalgia’s sake? Good sex acts as a prelude to promising relationship progress.
Leo
Leos get bogged down this September with constant little drains on their time and energy. Even though you may feel like making a hasty retreat, avoiding the figurative stack of correspondence and calls won’t make them disappear. Keep out of the intense fray at work. The hostile environment has got folks acting a fool. Don’t be one of them. September’s unpredictable weather brings travel delays. You’ve been warned. This month put your balls on the table and ask you-know-who out on a date. This person is worth courting.
As promised, August is a vast improvement over July for Leos. Already well-liked, Lions’ magnetism and charisma soars this month. Established relationships experience romance. Unattached Leos enjoy an end of summer fling. However, don’t expect anything permanent to come from the dalliance. That influx of wealth you were counting on, don’t bet on it. The stars show positive financial momentum for Leos, but not a windfall.
Rely on Libran intuition to navigate August. Interpersonal landmines dapple the landscape causing the typically gentle Libra to be perceived as downright offensive. Watch your mouth and ass this month. No one will give you the benefit of the doubt. When out with friends or at work, the atmosphere is ripe for misunderstanding. Communicate clearly and succinctly. Double check anything important. Enjoy a love fest around the 5th, whether single or attached.
Direct your energy toward family and the domestic sphere this month Scorpio. Use that laser-accurate intuition to navigate challenging relationships. Don’t doubt that feeling in your gut. It is right on. You’ll be in the mood to fill that already brimming brain with more knowledge. Seek out reliable sources for independent learning. You’ve collected an amazing group of friends and this month they lend support in unexpected ways. Let them know how much they mean to you. Work will pretty much suck until the third week of August.
Stay home this month Sags. Travel plans are plagued with delays and cancellations. Give important documents a second look and pay extra attention to minutia. The Devil is in the details. There is a strong likelihood you’ll be called for jury duty. August proves promising professionally with advancements and a bonus on the horizon. Keep a moderate attitude in relationships and refrain from digging your heels in during petty fights.
Happy Birthday Crabs! A Cardinal sign, the Cancerian energy flows like the ocean tides in one clear direction – usually towards home. Guardians of the Moon, introverted and feminine Cancers are the heart of the family. Running things in July, increased responsibility burdens relationships. Continue the theme of constructive stress relief. Reduce the overall load by relying on trustworthy confidants. Heightened emotional attunement results in prosperous partnerships and business ventures. Leash spending and enjoy a thick wallet.
Virgos have avoided making tough and permanent decisions about some major unresolved issues. Conflicts with finances, offspring, amici, and colleagues require legitimate action this time around. Now is the time to take up the rug and sweep up all that dust and dirt. Busy worktimes require organization and strategy. Domestically, trips keep the temperature warm and the mood romantic. Couples teetering on the brink? July’s the time to let go for good.
Sags are looking good right now; take advantage of your heightened appeal and enjoy a day or two off the usual grind. Reunions make for unexpected sparks with random acquaintances. Have fun with the nostalgia, but don’t get too serious. Focus some attention on gathering intel socially and professionally. Knowledge is power. Financially, Sags can expect more steady drip than flowing stream. Manage accordingly.
May I congratulate you on the steps you’ve taken to make things right? Effort duly noted. Relationships aren’t ever easy for Caps, but after the New Moon positive change arrives. Professional disappointments discourage and frustrate Caps in July. A temper tantrum won’t help. Keep work and home separate or suffer interpersonal misery. No big shopping sprees in July for you. Schedule important biznass sometime between the 8th-11th.
Reasonably financially prudent, Pisces swim in unfamiliar water this month when you run into some unexpected money issues (which are totally your fault). Rather than waste time stressing funds, devote time to DIY home improvement and gardening. Midmonth, friends lighten the mood, and Pisces always get invited to the party. However, romantic strings tangle in July and have you hunting for the scissors. In contrast, work looks really fantastic, so enjoy the sun where it shines.
“Got a secret. Can you keep it? Swear this one you’ll save. Better lock it, in your pocket. Taking this one to the grave. If I show you then I know you. Won’t tell what I said. Cause two can keep a secret. If one of them is dead…” The Pierces Secret song is your theme this month. You got your lion paws on some intel which suggests an opportunity. How will you play it? Always popular with the opposite sex, June connects Leos with an insightful comrade who guides you towards an epiphany concerning your life’s work.
Feelings of anxiety surface due to unpredictable relationship and career news. Don’t freak; everything will go according to design. Make stress relief a priority, keep up with yoga, meditate, and take unpressured strolls. In-laws suck up some attention in June. Expect a flurry of extra emails, texts and errands that will vampire your already taxed time. One area of concern you can set aside? Finances. Libras enjoy a gilded June. Save more than you spend.
May looks mad hectic with both fun and obligations Gemini. To survive all the demands, make sleep a priority. When tired and hungry you are down right bitchy, so take care of yourself or others will find you utterly intolerable. Be mindful of your belongings while traveling, and try to make it a relaxing trip.
May presents challenges for Virgos. Someone you trust is trying to manipulate and mislead you surrounding a new opportunity. The moral and ethical strength of the Virgo makes them vulnerable to over-trusting. A good rule for you – assume everyone will try to fuck you over and operate from that place. Trust, but verify. Don’t let anyone pressure you when making financial decisions in May. Changes in the home front make for even greater community involvement and neighborly introductions.
Financially Libras benefit in May, particularly mid-month when previous industriousness pays off. Beyond money, May presents a few obstacles. Without a doubt, avoid travel or legal dealings in the third and fourth weeks. Libras prefer everyone to be happy, and you’ve sacrificed quite a bit lately to make that happen. A treat is coming your way to make up for all your compromise.
The words positivity and Scorpio don’t always go together, but this May Scorpios shine. Scorpios can be self-indulgent in some ways, but down right restrictive in others. Up the ante this month by investing in yourself; the dress, the trip, a new haircut, teeth whitening, find the spark that will take you from an 8 to 10. Planetary alignment turns up the Scorpio charm and dulls Scorpio’s pricklier traits. This month you’ll be unusually upbeat and glowy which of course bodes well for romance and work. All those interpersonal quirks that hold you back vanish this month. Take advantage.
This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy. Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City. Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable. If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened. So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.
First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end. Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart. After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule. Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation. This is how rich people treat their 
The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the Stars. Jason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move. The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence. Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic. Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.
Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine. Was she stiff and stifled? A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges. Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel. Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny. Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy. When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.
Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving. Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her. Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger. When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to 
Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up. Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist. If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.
The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.
“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”
The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways. And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.
Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.
Time to discuss Gigolos, Showtime’s new series about five male escorts working in Las Vegas. Nowadays it takes quite a bit to shock, but Gigolos goes all the way with full-frontal nudity, ball smacking doggie style, and even a gang bang.
Meet Nick, the tatted-up “bad boy.” The most interesting thing about Nick is trying to solve the mystery of what he’s covering under that all-encompassing shoulder tattoo. His school teacher client compared the body art to spilled spaghetti.
This is Jimmy serving young Randall Batinkoff. Remember For Keeps? Bonus point if you do.
Vin is the newest member of the manwhore crew and was allegedly brought in to provide diversity. 
Over-bronzed Brace is the past-his-prime, bourbon-soaked surfer-type.
Analyzing what motivates the women who hire these “professionals” is really more interesting than the discount Don Juans themselves. A teacher, a zaftig medical assistant, and a dick-hungry divorcee all participate in sex on camera within the first two episodes.
Rumor has it since the premiere early this month, the escort service Cowboys 4 Angels is blowing up. Sorry boys, this particular agency caters exclusively to women.
Happy Birthday Fiery Bitches! In astrological terms, Aries comes first, and that’s just the way you like it. Super fun, superfly, and irrepressible, Aries are en fuego. Even though the last few years have been a struggle, Aries maintains momentum. Perhaps professionally things haven’t progressed ideally. All that will change this year if you take the time to cultivate balance. Aries feels super-charged this April. Rein the energy in or suffer the consequences – stupid embarrassing ones too – public stumbles, idiotic fender benders, and pride-wounding chokes. Get plenty of sleep, take care with relationships, and for fuck’s sake, think before you speak.
Typically Taurus has it all together, but this month you’ll feel pulled in a million directions. The way you cope with all this hectic energy will dictate whether things getter better or escalate. Taurus vent frustration and anxiety on loved ones. Needling the significant other won’t ease stress, and tussling with the in-laws will only make things worse. Channel that negative energy towards a more constructive activity – like an Easter egg hunt! Keep an eye on finances and stick with your budget in April.
Here’s the bad news for tax season, April is not a good month for Gemini and numbers. Strongly consider hiring a professional or get someone to double check any fiscal matters. Friendships get tested when heads butt. You may have to agree to disagree this time. April skews romantic mojo, so now’s not the time to trust your instincts. Have a friend cosign before moving forward, especially after three or more cocktails.
Elizabeth Taylor – 27 February 1932
Joan Crawford – 23 March 1905
Katharine Hepburn – 12 May 1907
Natalie Portman – 9 June 1981
Meryl Streep – 22 June 1949
Angela Bassett – 16 August 1958
Ingrid Bergman – 29 August 1915
Susan Sarandon – 4 October 1946
Whoopi Goldberg – 13 November 1955
Mo’Nique – 11 December 1967 
Luise Rainer – 12 January 1910
Geena Davis – 21 January 1957