Tag Archives: Scout

Tori & Dean: Baby Making and Inventori Taking

Tori and Dean sucked us into this season by launching the episode with the stork depositing Scout and Bill’s newborn adopted baby SimoneScout and Bill are the least annoying part of this two-bit crew, so Mazel!  A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, and the arrival of this little blessed bundle made for a more easily digestible reunion with Tori and the gang.The time line leapt ahead several months and caught up with Tori and Dean fussing over their hoarder-style garage.  As you know, Tori fancies herself an antique collector.  This bitch tries on new careers like underwear and this week her bright idea is a “pop-up store” (puke) where she can unload all her crap at marked-up prices to the gullible star-worshiping public.  Tori labors under the misapprehension that just because she rubbed her vadge up against something it makes it more valuable.Under rather fishy circumstances, Tori and Dean commit to a commercial lease of undetermined length at the first place they looked, which was an oddly-shaped disaster of a half-finished space Tori envisioned staging as an actual house.  How clever.As an aside, did you hear that Tori is single-handedly bringing back the faux-fur caplet?  Alert Women’s Wear Daily.Tori wants to play “buyer” as her career this season and impose her self-proclaimed exquisite design aesthetic on others.  By opening a store, she surmises that she can now shop freely without guilt.  Rather than addressing her consumerism, she’d rather just reframe it as collecting “inventori” for her new store.  That’s some seriously fucked-up self-rationalization right there.Always realistic with scheduling, Tori and Dean set a one month deadline for the grand Valentine’s Day opening of Inventori.  When Hoardi visited her storage space she couldn’t seem to part with anything even though the gaudy crap is just collecting dust.  How much you think she pays a month for 30 full-service storage vaults at Wetzels?  I find storage space morally objectionable.  Intentionally and usefully steward the object or let it go.Did you pee your pants a little when Dean’s agent called with news he’d landed a role in the “sequel to Trainspotting?”  Wait for it…. titled, “Ecstasy.”  I’ll let you rub that in your skin for a minute.Even though this role of a lifetime means that Dean will miss the inaugural of Inventori, Tori was more relieved his ass is bringing in child support than disappointed about his upcoming absence.As we all well know, Tori got pregnant and had a baby this year.  The last half of the episode volleyed between Tori’s pregnancy suspicions and the merchandising of Tori’s second-hand overpriced tacky shit Inventori.Tori fussed over her sick, snotty-nosed children rather than tend to her latest half-cocked career plan.  She delegated the final shop details, so when she arrived with James she was appalled to discover that items had been priced within the realm of reason by professional appraisers.James and Tori scurried around removing price tags from items as the newly hired store manger looked on with horrified dismay.  Even with the pricing drama, Inventori pulled in enough on its first day to warrant a delighted squeal from Tori when the closing day receipts were revealed.The episode closed with the swap of Valentine’s Day gifts.  Dean emerged with another tired-ass necklace.  Tori wrapped up her pee stick pregnancy test and gave it to DeanTori got doe-eyed and coy, and Dean got über Canadian.  Not sure why the two acted surprised; they have a fucking sign in front of their house that says the “McDermott Baby Factory.”

Tori & Dean: You can diaper a chicken…..

Bori and Mean cooked up a particularly contrived episode this week by challenging each other to lame activities geared towards conquering each other’s fears.  Side note: Tori modeled the world’s fugliest top.A subplot this week revolved around redecorating the family room.  This too takes the form of a dare when Mean challenged Bori to stay on budget, and Bori in turn challenged Mean to stay out of the design process.  Dean drafted a contract and signed it in blood.One part of the design process both could agree on was knocking down a wall and replacing it with French doors.

Tori and Mehran decided that the salon was the most appropriate place to hold their Little Maven biznass meeting.  The stylist looked thrilled.

Not perfect, but a vast improvement.

Meanwhile, Dean attended the dance class that Tori signed him up for in an attempt to face his fear of dancing in public and “get in touch with his body.”Some fears should not be overcome.  Fear is a gift designed to protect, and in this case Dean removed the only barrier separating him from humiliation.

Tori drug Mehran to some abandoned haunted hospital to face her fear of things designed to scare her. The two brave adventurers congratulated themselves before taking their color coordinated asses back to the kitchen to mock Dean’s dance routine.

Later, Tori and James decided to diaper Coco the chicken.

Yes, diaper the chicken.

Coco clearly objected.

Dean had an epiphany at the track (aka no endorsement deals came through) and decided he would only ride on track days and not professionally.Back at the house, Liam made a mess with the paint and shit his pants while Tori and James debated colors.

Dean returned home to a new living room and dropped the track days news on Tori.  Her response was guarded, but optimistic.

Stella got ready to visit animal jail, otherwise known as the San Diego Zoo.

A polar bear rattled the loose cage on the new exhibit and for a second I hoped the bear would spring forth and slaughter a by-standing Denise Richards, but that would actually make this show interesting and would therefore never happen.

Anyone who has been to the relentlessly hilly San Diego Zoo resented this celebrity carting around nonsense.  I’d like to see this skinny bitch push a double-wide stroller up those hills like all the other Moms.

Bori terrorized the giraffe.

Episode Highlight: Liam on snakes, “I like snakes, yes they tickle my hair and my wiener and they love me.”

After the zoo, Mehran offered to watch the the kids with Scout while Tori and Dean went out for dinner.  This “surprise date” was obviously planned well in advance since all these reality shows have to get permission to film. Tori texted throughout dinner which rightfully pissed Dean off.  After she put down the phone, the two awkwardly stared at each other proving the only thing holding these two together is the kids.

Liam behaved like a little angel while they were away.

Bori and Mean vowed not to go to bed angry, and so they doused the fire on the day’s dispute and smooched it out.

However, with these two, just as one fire dies out another ignites.