Tag Archives: Sex and the City

3 things you should never say when someone dies

I’ve experienced significant loss and am close to others who have experienced major loss, and I still stutter for the right words to speak amidst a tragedy.  When searching for the right words to say, remember these are not them…

What are you going to do now?

I’m going to grieve, bitch.

At least her suffering is over.  

But my suffering has only begun.

What can I do to help?

I know this is the most obvious and seemingly kind offering in a crisis, but the truly helpful don’t ask, they just do.  Not all of us operate on that level of selflessness (myself included), but remember if you do offer help be prepared for the person to take you up on it.  If they do, YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

The Fourth Peel

So those perky bitches at the spa convinced me to buy a six peel package.  I’m on peel four, (the first of which was not included in the package).  The results have been widely varying from peel to peel.  The first peel produced mild, but noticeable peeling.  There was definitely a “peel” day.  By the third sesh, I felt my skin had built up a tolerance, so when I entered my fourth I mentioned that the impact of the treatments seemed to diminish as the appointments progressed.  She decided to leave the peel on a bit longer to intensify the results. Coachella left a dust storm film on my face which I really wanted to remove.  I also endured significant and inevitable sun exposure standing in the middle of a polo field all damn day.  These truths, paired with my recent usage of Arcona’s Mandarin Brightening Peel apparently left my skin quite vulnerable because my face really fucking peeled.  Certain patches burned raw.  Not to mention how embarrassing it is to walk around with your face flaking off visible debris.  Not a good look.   I don’t believe I have suffered any permanent damage from my over enthusiasm, but I will never again challenge the aesthetician to intensify the power of the peel.

Better to have several mild peels with less irritation rather than one big inflamed peel that leaves you face-shamed for days.  

the deal with a peel

Yesterday I splurged on a light glycolic peel.  My cell turnover really lagged this winter, and I needed a boost with it being the first day of spring and all.  I’ve secretly wanted a peel since Brandi Glanville discussed them as part of her skincare regime in her stupid book.  I’m ashamed to admit my susceptibility to the power of suggestion.The results have already begun to emerge.  A stubborn hateful patch miraculously flaked away within the first 24 hours.  This spot has been testing my patience for months, so achieving meaningful results in the first day sold me on the procedure.  I enjoy immediate gratification.  I’ll keep you updated on the ongoing outcome over the next week.  

A Gallery of Real Life Girls

I really don’t want to talk about this show Gallery Girls, but I feel like I must.  What can I say that hasn’t already been said?  Yes, it is essentially the reality show version of Girls.  Yes, it is filled with superficial, naïve, spoiled, NYC hipsters with zero work ethic paired with struggling, status-climbing wannabes who would sell their first born child in exchange for bonafide status in the art scene. Gallery Girls is embarrassingly predictable with each girl fulfilling a roll as a specific niche stereotype. Lazy and spoiled Liz has got a rich art collector daddy (Martin Margulies!) and won’t hesitate to remind you she could buy and sell you twice.  Don’t ask her to actually lift a finger at her Eli Klein Gallery internship; she’s just there for the cocktail parties.  Insecure, entitled, and snobby, she reminds me a lot of Paris Hilton, which means you will hate her immediately. Cut from similar cloth as Liz, Maggie’s a DuPont heiress living off her trust fund as she sporadically attends her unpaid internship at the Eli Klein Gallery in a sad attempt to recreate Charlotte’s fictional life from SATC.  The only plausible explanation for Maggie is mood stabilizers.  When she comes back to Eli asking to resume her internship, she almost expresses a cogent thought.  Almost.  The third lady of privilege is called AmyAmy means well, but is just sort of dopey, drunk, and desperate.  Liz spends most of the episode looking down her beak at Amy even though they are both equally insufferable in different ways.  Amy’s just a little too loud, a little too enthusiastic, and a little too bow-clad for this whole scene, despite her best efforts to assimilate. 

Of the struggling Brooklynites, first we have Chantal – a pale, nasally, broke-down ballerina type who wanders around oblivious, but occasionally and unintentionally drops a dead-pan one-liner that will crack you in half.  The best part of Chantal is her utter lack of self-awareness – which makes her secretly amusing, if you can get past the annoying voice.

Whiny yet winsome Claudia has partnered with Chantal and Lara to open End of Century, a boutique/gallery in Manhattan.  Claudia borrowed fifteen grand from her family to get the space up and running and is now realizing her hipster friends aren’t so reliable when it comes to actual work.  A true twenty-something, her guiding ideal for this endeavor: “Friendship comes first, business comes second, and that’s what makes it work.”  Feel free to condescendingly chuckle to yourself. Angela, raised in Orange County by her doctor parents, rebelled against her strict Vietnamese upbringing and moved to Brooklyn to try to make it as a photographer.  An admitted narcissist, Angela comes off as flighty, ungrounded, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, and a bit slutty.  Here’s hoping.  Kerri is the hard-working middle-class type.  You know, the one you are supposed to relate to; the “normal” one.  Kerri has a hard-edged drive that definitely gives the impression that she would step a stiletto on your spine to claw her way to the top.  Her face is all hard angles, and I suspect her personality and ambition are too.  Best believe that kut-throat Kerri is hongrey hunny. After the premiere, I predict we will learn absolutely nothing about art from these real-life Girls, but I do predict this show will serve as more than a cautionary tale for the hazards of wearing red lipstick.  (Why don’t those Brooklyn girls tell each other their grills are smeared with MAC?)  If nothing else, those born and bread on SATC might see all their Carrie Bradshaw ideals come crumbling down in this semi-idealized real-life copycat incarnation.

3 for Thursday

What most of us are thinking…

Did anyone really ever buy this showmance?  She got sloppy and I love it.  The Twilight movies suck ass anyway.  Oral in the Mini Cooper.  It must have a surprisingly roomy interior. 

What I’m recommending…

This recommendation is overdue ( it was on my watch list before Telluride).  Without a doubt, Marina Abramović The Artist is Present is a super interesting and inspiring movie.  I know some documentaries can feel tedious.  This is not one of them.  Some of you will need more, so I’m loathe to point out the Marina Abramović’s work was referenced in SATC when Carrie was courted by the Russian.  Hey whatever the reason, do watch.  Extra points for the James Franco and Orlando Bloom sightings.

What I’m hearing…

The xx sleeper single Angels.  What’s with the self-consciousness in the vocals Romy?  Got the sophomore album scares?

The Lasik Report

To speak from a fully informed perspective, I wanted to wait at least a week before reporting on my laser eye surgery.  Now after a full seven days and two follow up appointments, I see more accurately than 20/20.Is it worth it?  If you hate your contacts like I did, then yes.  You see better the very day of the procedure, there is virtually no downtime, and negligible risk.  No one has ever gone blind from Lasik – you know I asked. The procedure itself is quick.  It isn’t physically painful, but it is physically and psychologically uncomfortable.  Thankfully, the procedure only takes a few minutes per eye.  Clearer vision is immediately apparent after surfacing from the laser show and it continues to improve over the next 24-48 hours.It’s pricey, $1,700-$2,000+ for the most current bladeless technology PER EYE, depending on how you pay.  By my calculations, this range represents 3-5 years worth of contacts, eye exams, and glasses – not to mention the daily hassle and dependence.  Most of the major players in the game are national chains.  They specialize in laser eye surgery and have the resources to invest in the latest technology.  Most of these surgeons have performed several thousand procedures.  It obviously never hurts to inquire about the malpractice history and experience of the doctor performing the surgery.Two other considerations: approximately 10% of cases require revisions for a variety of patient-specific reasons, and later in life, you may still need reading glasses.As far as side effects, I suffered a small broken blood vessel in the corner of my eye, probably from bearing down on the clamp.  Dry eyes are pretty common as well.  Keep drops handy and it isn’t an issue.  Laser eye surgery has one of the highest rates of patient satisfaction, and it is obvious why.  What is there to complain about when you wake up seeing 20/20 or better? 

6 days to salvage 2011

If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals.  Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles.  First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right?  Like when is the last time you really mopped?  What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life?  What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need?  Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year.  It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party.  How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party?  The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.

Schedule preventative care appointments.  Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions.  Maintenance is everything.  I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.

Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.

LOVE Thyself

Five totally legitimate reasons to wank off.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week through masturbating were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer according to one study.  Doctors chalk this up to the benefits of “clearing the pipes” by releasing toxin concentrations which accumulate over time.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieve urinary tract infections.  Going into more detail requires a graphic explanation of cervical tenting, so just trust this advice and keep it moving.Studies show masturbation promotes cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes.  Rub one out for your heart, man.Self-diddling naturally combats insomnia through hormonal and tension release.  Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend’s roommate walked in while he was in bed with his girlfriend, sat on a chair (strewn with aforementioned girlfriend’s clothing), and took a nice long piss.  The next morning, the roommate claimed a case of Ambienesia, saying she remembered nothing.  Why risk a pharmaceutically-induced unintended public pissing situation?  Put the pharmies down and use that hand for something more useful, like whacking off.  Combine Ambien and wanking at your own risk.Turn that frown upside-down; petting the kitty releases euphoria-inducing oxytocin.  Like ecstasy, but without the pesky brain holes.

Dear Oprah, OWN Sucks

Even us schadenfreuders hoped Oprah’s OWN might serve up a programming highlight or two, but we’ve generously given Ms. Winfrey more than a month to win us over, and she’s already squandered most of our patience and good will.  If Oprah’s foray into OWN proves nothing else, it illustrates that there is a huge difference between running a successful talk show and overseeing an entire network.The first of many problems with OWN is lack of original programming.  In the age of streaming, old movies ain’t gonna cut it, and reruns of Dr. Phil definitely ain’t gonna cut it.  She’d be better off showing reruns of her own show if the network needs filler.  Oprah’s so technologically out of touch she quaintly believes that we’re all going to sit down and watch an edited version of Postcards From the Edge during primetime?  Up against Jersey Shore, is she bananas?Let’s discuss the original programming that has aired so far.  Basically, it generates hostility.  The Gayle King Show is some seriously amateur shit.  King’s sloppiness only serves to highlight the rather obvious coattail-riding nepotism which landed her the position in the first place.  Next, tune into Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes and watch the production team shield Oprah from any backstage complication while simultaneously anticipating and meeting her every high-maintenance whim.  Even if you liked Oprah before, you won’t after you watch this.  Her staff gives new meaning to the term sycophant.OWN’s self-proclaimed mission is to “entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives,” but is this really the best Oprah can do?Oprah has approximately six months or less to turn things around at OWN before becoming a cautionary tale.  Some have already dubbed the venture a failure, and the ratings continue to drop, but don’t count Ms. Winfrey out just yet.Oprah, first things first, you need some appointment television, and no, your reality show definitely doesn’t count.  OWN needs an unmissable water cooler show.  Try bankrolling forward-thinking, risky artistic projects that more conservative networks reject – find OWN’s version of Mad Men, Sex and the City, or Sons of Anarchy.Despite rumors of upcoming Tatum O’Neal and Shania Twain reality shows, Oprah has yet to bring an interesting celeb-reality entry into the programming mix.  If she knew anything, she’d give Nicki Minaj her own show.OWN’s definitely squandered an opportunity on cornering the healthy lifestyle angle.  How about a vegetarian cooking show?  We all know you have Kathy Freston on speed dial.  What about giving Michael Pollan a camera and letting him explore where our food comes from?Most importantly, where the fuck is the fashion, beauty, and interior design?Come on Oprah, we all expect more of you.  Time is running out for you to salvage this disaster.  Start by cutting Gayle a severance package.