Tag Archives: sex

slut reformation

REALITY BITESI’m taking this new approach to relationships where I wait at least a month before fucking.  Exercising self-restraint can be difficult, but it’s not impossible.  Within a month, most people reveal themselves.  By removing the influence of sex on the early days of a relationship, I can clearly evaluate whether the partnership has legs before my whole heart, soul, and body get tied up in the decision.  I’m not saying I don’t get down to some extent.  The probationary period is a good time to get a bright light look at his junk to make sure there aren’t any areas of concern.  Enjoy a good retro makeout sesh.  Take this time to find out if he’s got any bratty kids, psycho exs, or a shitty credit score.  Use this month to weed out the pigs, weirdos, assholes, morons, and cheapskates.  This is not some purity ring propaganda.  It’s about particularity not prudishness.  I’m a feminist, so do what you will with your vagina, but also think back on your checkered sexual past; when have you regretted NOT having sex with someone?  Exactly.          CHER CLUELESS

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,

♥DCTOO BIG CONDOM

over it

DCIM100GOPRO

I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.

SELFISH IN BED

I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.

JENELLE EVANS PREGS

I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.

SONJA MORGAN

I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.

 

 

 

 

hatespring

POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY

 

cunnilingLESS

OTTOMAN ORAL

Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.

ORAL EXPLORE

Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER

Lies People Told Me This Week

BARBIE WAX1.  From my bikini waxer after my first Brazilian (hurt like a mutherfucker – I thought dry needling was bad – it is a massage compared to a Brazilian, sheesh): “You’ll be completely bare for two full weeks.”  I’ve hardly regained a full bush, but “completely bare” is a hyperbolic exaggeration of the current state of my regrowth. NOT BRAZILIAN INTERESTING2.  From a good friend over dive-Mexican food: “Sometimes, it’s just sex.”  Really?  Then why are you sitting here asking me to parse his last message for subtext?  If it was just about sex you wouldn’t be vexed over whether he likes you or not.  Mostly, it’s not just sex, and deep down you know it. GIRLS

3.  From the appliance delivery guys: “We’ll be there between 9:00-11:00 am.”  Close to noon, they finally showed up.  I can’t be too pissed at their tardiness though, there is a special place in heaven for people who lift heavy things up stairs.  APPLIANCE DELIVERY IN NEPAL

on date night…

CRYSTAL RENN VOGUE PARIS…order whatever the fuck you want.GREAT LEGS…wear the uncomfortable shoes that make your legs look amazing. DON'T HATE…serve a level of swagger that elicits looks of jaw-dropping jealously or desire.TIP GENEROUSLY…tip generously.SEAN LENNON KEMP MUHL CHATEAU MARMONT VALET

…valet.

AGAINST THE WALL

…push up against a wall.

Sunday with Old-Timey Porn

PINK AND BUSHYFLIPSMOKING SEXY3 WAY OLD TIMEY BOOBSON THE DRESSERVINTAGE ORGYSWIVEL