Tag Archives: sex

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,


over it


I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.


I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.


I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.


I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.






POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY




Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.


Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER

Lies People Told Me This Week

BARBIE WAX1.  From my bikini waxer after my first Brazilian (hurt like a mutherfucker – I thought dry needling was bad – it is a massage compared to a Brazilian, sheesh): “You’ll be completely bare for two full weeks.”  I’ve hardly regained a full bush, but “completely bare” is a hyperbolic exaggeration of the current state of my regrowth. NOT BRAZILIAN INTERESTING2.  From a good friend over dive-Mexican food: “Sometimes, it’s just sex.”  Really?  Then why are you sitting here asking me to parse his last message for subtext?  If it was just about sex you wouldn’t be vexed over whether he likes you or not.  Mostly, it’s not just sex, and deep down you know it. GIRLS

3.  From the appliance delivery guys: “We’ll be there between 9:00-11:00 am.”  Close to noon, they finally showed up.  I can’t be too pissed at their tardiness though, there is a special place in heaven for people who lift heavy things up stairs.  APPLIANCE DELIVERY IN NEPAL

on date night…

CRYSTAL RENN VOGUE PARIS…order whatever the fuck you want.GREAT LEGS…wear the uncomfortable shoes that make your legs look amazing. DON'T HATE…serve a level of swagger that elicits looks of jaw-dropping jealously or desire.TIP GENEROUSLY…tip generously.SEAN LENNON KEMP MUHL CHATEAU MARMONT VALET



…push up against a wall.

Sunday with Old-Timey Porn


Internet Dating is Beneath You

DATING SITESI have never dated online, so I wouldn’t exactly call the next set of opinions “educated.”  While I have been ensconced in the false security of a dead-end relationship for the past nine years, the internet dating craze has apparently become the main vehicle for getting sets of genitals together.ONLINE DATING STATSThe site you choose says a lot about you.  The broke and horny go to okcupid or one of its free cousins.  Just remember, you get what you pay for.  Okcupid is the Goodwill of online dating sites.  Whatever you find there will be heavily used.OKCUPIDIf you want the Target of online dating, go to MatchMatch mirrors the vastness of Target, and much like Target, on Match you will stumble upon mostly cheap crap gussied up in slightly better packaging.MATCH DOUCHESIf you are looking for sincere fatties hunting for matrimony, well then eHarmony is for you.  eHarmony is the Sears of online dating – conservative, dependable, and for the 55+set.EHARMONYIn an informal survey of my friends who have dated online, there is an obvious and detectable pattern.  You and dickhead break up.  You and dickhead de-friend each other on Facebook.  You resolve to get out there and meet someone better.  You google online dating sites.  Depending on whether you want to shop at Goodwill, Target, or Sears, you pick one and begin to write your profile.  You realize instantly that you have no idea how to pithily summarize yourself in six sentences or less without sounding like a Russian mail-order bride.  You sort through all your photos and pick out several which are misleading, but you would never admit that to yourself.  You publish your profile and wait.  You sit and pathetically wait for some internet douche to sift through a million other misleading and inaccurate profiles until you hope he is sufficiently misled by yours.  What actually happens is 13 different middle-aged married couples solicit you for a threesome.  You get depressed when you realize the only guy who contacted you is a 24 year old, unemployed, balding, internet troll who just wants to three pump chump you tonight and never call you again.DOUCHEWhile almost every single person I know disagrees with me about internet dating, none of them have met anyone of merit online.  Save yourself a lot of time and energy and go interact with people in person.  In the flesh, you will know within 30 seconds if you want to fuck and you can save yourself the tedious email/texting getting-to-know you period that internet dating requires.EMILY H