Tag Archives: sex


POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY




Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.


Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER

Lies People Told Me This Week

BARBIE WAX1.  From my bikini waxer after my first Brazilian (hurt like a mutherfucker – I thought dry needling was bad – it is a massage compared to a Brazilian, sheesh): “You’ll be completely bare for two full weeks.”  I’ve hardly regained a full bush, but “completely bare” is a hyperbolic exaggeration of the current state of my regrowth. NOT BRAZILIAN INTERESTING2.  From a good friend over dive-Mexican food: “Sometimes, it’s just sex.”  Really?  Then why are you sitting here asking me to parse his last message for subtext?  If it was just about sex you wouldn’t be vexed over whether he likes you or not.  Mostly, it’s not just sex, and deep down you know it. GIRLS

3.  From the appliance delivery guys: “We’ll be there between 9:00-11:00 am.”  Close to noon, they finally showed up.  I can’t be too pissed at their tardiness though, there is a special place in heaven for people who lift heavy things up stairs.  APPLIANCE DELIVERY IN NEPAL

on date night…

CRYSTAL RENN VOGUE PARIS…order whatever the fuck you want.GREAT LEGS…wear the uncomfortable shoes that make your legs look amazing. DON'T HATE…serve a level of swagger that elicits looks of jaw-dropping jealously or desire.TIP GENEROUSLY…tip generously.SEAN LENNON KEMP MUHL CHATEAU MARMONT VALET



…push up against a wall.

Sunday with Old-Timey Porn


Internet Dating is Beneath You

DATING SITESI have never dated online, so I wouldn’t exactly call the next set of opinions “educated.”  While I have been ensconced in the false security of a dead-end relationship for the past nine years, the internet dating craze has apparently become the main vehicle for getting sets of genitals together.ONLINE DATING STATSThe site you choose says a lot about you.  The broke and horny go to okcupid or one of its free cousins.  Just remember, you get what you pay for.  Okcupid is the Goodwill of online dating sites.  Whatever you find there will be heavily used.OKCUPIDIf you want the Target of online dating, go to MatchMatch mirrors the vastness of Target, and much like Target, on Match you will stumble upon mostly cheap crap gussied up in slightly better packaging.MATCH DOUCHESIf you are looking for sincere fatties hunting for matrimony, well then eHarmony is for you.  eHarmony is the Sears of online dating – conservative, dependable, and for the 55+set.EHARMONYIn an informal survey of my friends who have dated online, there is an obvious and detectable pattern.  You and dickhead break up.  You and dickhead de-friend each other on Facebook.  You resolve to get out there and meet someone better.  You google online dating sites.  Depending on whether you want to shop at Goodwill, Target, or Sears, you pick one and begin to write your profile.  You realize instantly that you have no idea how to pithily summarize yourself in six sentences or less without sounding like a Russian mail-order bride.  You sort through all your photos and pick out several which are misleading, but you would never admit that to yourself.  You publish your profile and wait.  You sit and pathetically wait for some internet douche to sift through a million other misleading and inaccurate profiles until you hope he is sufficiently misled by yours.  What actually happens is 13 different middle-aged married couples solicit you for a threesome.  You get depressed when you realize the only guy who contacted you is a 24 year old, unemployed, balding, internet troll who just wants to three pump chump you tonight and never call you again.DOUCHEWhile almost every single person I know disagrees with me about internet dating, none of them have met anyone of merit online.  Save yourself a lot of time and energy and go interact with people in person.  In the flesh, you will know within 30 seconds if you want to fuck and you can save yourself the tedious email/texting getting-to-know you period that internet dating requires.EMILY H


Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: to Return or not to Return Broken Bondage?

Recently, I bought a sex toy online.  It wasn’t a vibrator or a dildo.  It was this weird spreader bondage contraption.  Anyway, in case my little Midtown Meltdown indicated otherwise, I’m strong as fuck.  I destroyed the bondage toy before my first orgasm.  I  literally tore the flimsy binding completely apart.  The inner-rod detached from the larger outer rod.  I snapped the chains in two.  This bitch don’t play.

For a variety of reasons, I don’t return items very often even when I’m dissatisfied. However, I’m super pissed, stunned, and profoundly disappointed that this expensive, but crappy accouterment disintegrated at my first healthy tug.  Shouldn’t a bondage toy effectively bind?  Weak Sauce.

Stymied by my dilemma, I asked around to see what others thought was appropriate in regard to initiating a refund.  Let me be crystal clear here: no bodily fluids touched the device.  Indeed, I destroyed it before anyone climaxed or even felt much of a tickle.  (By the way, even if the thing hadn’t broken, the spreader didn’t actually spread enough, so skip this amateur shit and get your favorite lesbian to build you a sturdy custom device from Home Depot.)The overwhelming response from a sampling of trusted advisers was to indeed return the overpriced janky novelty to the allegedly reputable website that sold it to me.  I packed it up piece by piece, making sure every broken part made it back into the box in some semblance of its original form and shipped it back to the sex toy graveyard. Now let’s see if the site actually refunds the cost of this crap.  This junk was over $75 or I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all.



Farrah’s Fucktape

How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal?  In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all.  Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.”  This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures.  Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother.  G-Sus.  I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut.  I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam.  Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear.