Tag Archives: shopping

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: to Return or not to Return Broken Bondage?

Recently, I bought a sex toy online.  It wasn’t a vibrator or a dildo.  It was this weird spreader bondage contraption.  Anyway, in case my little Midtown Meltdown indicated otherwise, I’m strong as fuck.  I destroyed the bondage toy before my first orgasm.  I  literally tore the flimsy binding completely apart.  The inner-rod detached from the larger outer rod.  I snapped the chains in two.  This bitch don’t play.

For a variety of reasons, I don’t return items very often even when I’m dissatisfied. However, I’m super pissed, stunned, and profoundly disappointed that this expensive, but crappy accouterment disintegrated at my first healthy tug.  Shouldn’t a bondage toy effectively bind?  Weak Sauce.

Stymied by my dilemma, I asked around to see what others thought was appropriate in regard to initiating a refund.  Let me be crystal clear here: no bodily fluids touched the device.  Indeed, I destroyed it before anyone climaxed or even felt much of a tickle.  (By the way, even if the thing hadn’t broken, the spreader didn’t actually spread enough, so skip this amateur shit and get your favorite lesbian to build you a sturdy custom device from Home Depot.)The overwhelming response from a sampling of trusted advisers was to indeed return the overpriced janky novelty to the allegedly reputable website that sold it to me.  I packed it up piece by piece, making sure every broken part made it back into the box in some semblance of its original form and shipped it back to the sex toy graveyard. Now let’s see if the site actually refunds the cost of this crap.  This junk was over $75 or I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all.

 

 

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.

Boycott Black Friday

Is it me, or did the Black Friday propaganda machine work overtime this year?  The more hysterical and bombastic the marketing campaigns became, the more I dug into my commitment to buy absolutely nothing on the national day of accumulation. Here are a few more productive ways to spend your day then beating a bitch over a HDTV at Best BuySince you ate 3 days worth of food in one sitting yesterday, why don’t you move your ass?  Hike, bike, skip, or strut in the opposite direction of the mall.  Show visiting guests your neighborhood by foot.  Walk the dog.  Collect firewood.  Rollerskate. Catch up on new music as you clean your house.  Stow the remnants of fall and prepare for winter.  Declutter and donate.  Rotate the wardrobe.Marathon a show you’ve been meaning to watch.  HomelandAmerican Horror StoryDownton Abbey. Or my personal favorite as of late, Made in Chelsea.  Many of you work hard and actually deserve several hours of lazying about without judgment.  Enjoy a day making homemade gifts for the holidays as a healthy “fuck you” to consumerism.  Rather than spending, can you repurpose and improve shit into something you want to keep or give? 

Read a beautiful book from cover to cover.

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: supermarket weep

Last week I went to Costco on a Sunday.  As I entered the store, I heard this woman in her late sixties muttering complaints ferociously under breath.  It was too crowded. There were no carts.  She was bitching to herself out loud.  I wanted to turn to her and say, bitch it is Sunday at the Costco, what did you expect?One of my shopping companions always starts an irrational rant before we even enter the threshold of the store.  How long is this going to take?  Do you have a list?  Can we be out of here in 20 minutes?  After vigorously wiping the cart down with an anti-bacterial wipe, he death grips the cart handle and aggressively plunges forward.  Elderly, children, and pregnant women be damned.If a trip to the store is on your to do list this week, please save yourself the frustration and accept a few realities.  First, it will be crowded.  Second, certain popular items may not be in stock.  Third, it will be the most exhausting and unpleasant experience.  Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are virtually unnavigable on a good day; rolling into a holiday weekend it’s beyond bananas.  Surviving the parking lot is an achievement.  If crowds conjure anxiety, go at an off-peak time – like an hour before closing.  Eat before so you don’t get stuck in the free sample gridlock.  Have patience.  Be Kind.  Say excuse me.  Leave plenty of time.  Don’t ram the elderly.  An enterprising SuperTarget employee will upload the security camera footage on YouTube, and then you’ll be the asshole that assaulted grandma.  It’s a cruel world.  Happy Holidays.

 

 

supermarket zombie

I confess I loathe the supermarket.  It is too bright.  I feel like the florescent lights are sucking my soul away.  Lately while I troll the aisles, I wonder what the fuck I am supposed to put in my cart outside the produce section? Canned section?  Maybe a bean.  Cento.  Boxed aisle?  In a moment of weakness mac-n-cheese.  Dry lentils.  Veggie stock.  Most cereals are garbage, as are most cookies, crackers, and shelf-stable prepared foods.  The freezer section isn’t any better.  Waffles, frozen dinners, pizza – all crap, right?  I pass up 95% of the product because we are learning it is mostly poison.  Eating healthy is hard. 

IMPORTLAND

Want to make a late correction to today’s post.  I believe I may have misidentified the shop where I bought my dress as Flutter Clutter when it is in fact called EdenEden has a website at edenportland.com.  I’m going to leave information on the sister shops in this post because both are worthy of attention, but to be clear, Eden is the extra cute store where I bought my reasonably-priced reworked vintage.  I wholeheartedly apologize for any confusion.  There is just so much sweetness in Portland, it is hard to keep it all straight. Stumbled upon a darling shop in rosy Portland today called Eden.  I was drawn in by a rack of adorable dresses outside the store and made my way in to discover a number of unique treasures.  Eden stocks all sorts of fun, like quirky found items, granny’s thrift store dresses reworked into modern shapes, souped-up vintage furs and lingerie, delicious perfumes, books, cards, cute tid-bits, and whimsical what-nots.  Often when I stumble across a store of this nature, it is full of sweetness, but the prices are astronomically bitter.  Not at Eden; their special finds are priced to move.  How does $52 for a one-of-a-kind frock sound?  Sounds totally reasonable to me, so I picked one up.  Check out both websites flutterclutter.com and edenportland.com; the online inventory is more limited than the in-person browsing experience, but you can get a taste of their eclectic offerings.  Enjoy free shipping on orders exceeding $100.  This shop is well worth a look and full of intriguing gift ideas.

Famished from shopping, sustenance shifted to the priority.  Prasad answered the prayer of our longing tummies.  Vegan, wholesome, and delicious, Prasad provided us a hearty meal we devoured with a smugness that comes with consuming only the healthiest and guilt-free dishes.  With fresh-squeezed juice and a protein-packed salad followed by a soothing peppermint tea, we left refreshed from our weary travels.  Portlanders keep a number of vegetarian restaurants and food trucks thriving, and Prasad is a standout among them.  Prasad shares space with a yoga studio – Yoga Pearl.  Didn’t get a chance to take a class, but yoga + a delicious vegan lunch sounds like a fantastic afternoon to me – a great concept for a shared space that is well-executed.  Leave it to Portland to get it right.

pOST-hOLIDAY cLEARANCE mASTERCLASS

Broaden the search by shopping the mens and kids departments for excellent markdowns on sweaters.  On the mens rack find plenty of small sizes and on the kids find the leftover XLs.  The patterns and proportions can be a fresh alternative to the same old womens offerings. Read the signage carefully.  Just went jeans shopping and my denim-purchasing companion would have probably bought twice as many pairs had he known at the time of selection that the $159 jeans marked down to $89 would actually ring up at 40% off the lowest marked price.   Don’t get suckered into buying fresh Resort 2012 right now unless you are actually traveling someplace warm in the next 4 weeks.  Now is the time to stock up on deeply discounted coats, winter accessories, and boots for the rest of this season and next.