Tag Archives: Showtime

Admit Homeland Sux

HOMELAND SHARMA DANESIn general, the fall TV schedule has not wowed me with its genius, but this season of Homeland is downright offensive.  Was this show always so sexist and racist, and I was just too mesmerized by Claire’s windblown butterscotch layers to notice?  Seriously, put your hair in a ponytail once in awhile.  Bitch looks like she travels with Beyoncé’s wind machine.  More importantly, I hate that Carrie fucked to land an asset as if cooch-control it’s her only skill.  She’s supposed to be the head bitch in charge over there and she’s ranting around the office like a deranged lunatic even before the double dealer started fucking with her meds.  Are the racist depictions of Pakistani people not smacking you in the face?  To me, this… NUMAN ACAR

is as obviously racist

as this…BLACKFACE

Homeland = evil-ass propagandist show.

CARRIE HOMELAND

 

wendy > than myra?

We’ve discussed Matt LeBlanc’s surprisingly delightful Showtime comedy Episodes before.  For me, Myra in particular stands out and deserves more air time. Recently Wendy, played by Scarlett Rose Patterson, dominates every scene with her nihilistic slacker hipster intern attitude.  She read the contents of a fruit basket, and it was sublime.  It’s in her deadpan Valley delivery.  Keep an eye on this one.  She’s funny, clever, gorgeous and can act – a rare combo. 

3 for Thursday

How exciting is this whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split?  Is it just a coincidence the marriage lasted right around 5 years just like the rumored contract?  Let’s hope with the end of this marriage comes the end of Katie’s blank-ass expression, mediocre clothing line, and non-acting career.  She used to be so adorable and ripe with potential and talent.  Rumored reasons for the split?  Tom sending Suri to Sea Org?!  Surveillance assigned to Tom’s adopted daughter Isabella?!  Isolation insisted upon by the Church of Scientology? Some juicy morsels are bound to surface from the swirl of this sure-to-be messy separation.  In the meantime, we’ll just count the days until Suri’s tell-all.  You know Travolta has got to be relieved to have the Church leaders distracted with this new wave of bad press and defection.Did you catch the premiere of season 2 of Episodes this week?  I watched season 1 of this weird little series last year and was hesitant to recommend it to you because the pace is a bit glacial in the beginning.  I wasn’t a Friends fan, so I’m not recommending the Matt LaBlanc show out of some sort of misplaced loyalty.  The supporting players are the true highlight – particularly Daisy Haggard, who basically makes me shit my pants every time she appears on screen.  Episodes is worth a watch, especially when conveniently paired with….

Lisa Kudrow’s Web Therapy.  I still drag The Comeback out every so often and burn through that underrated gem.  Web Therapy scratches a similar itch.  The premiere boasts appearances from players like Rosie O’Donnell, Meryl Streep, and returning cast member Alan Cumming.  Most of the show is improvised by skilled comics, but even among the best in the biz, Kudrow anchors the comedy with the genius affectations of therapist Fiona Wallice.

And please schedule your DVR to record The Real L Word season 3 premiere July 12th because that hot mess of lesbian drama is an annual tradition here at DC.

 

 

A New Treatment Modality

You guys watching Web Therapy on ShowtimeKudrow plays Fiona Wallice, the innovator of a new “treatment modality” made of three minute web therapy sessions.  Already a buzzy internet hit, the online experiment transitioned to the premium channel this year. Lisa Kudrow has a knack for affectations, and in many ways this show left off where the hilariously self-aware The Comeback left off. Lily Tomlin drops in as Wallice’s insecurity-inducing pot puffing mom.  Jennifer Elise Cox delivers deadpan ditzy vacant like no other blonde on the scene.Give Web Therapy a chance; it isn’t perfect, but it is smart and relevant.

The Real L Word: A Lesbian Field Day

Whitney fetched SF fling Jaq from the airport to help organize The Pants & Pumps ThrowdownWhitney explained the event as a lesbian field day that pits the fem lezzies against the butch gals all for the benefit of charity.  Upon the conclusion of an afternoon of prop making, the two dropped trou for a slow, yet surprisingly lackluster showerfuck.

Francine’s mom Yoko flew in to LA and arrived dressed like a slot-machine-addicted Vegas retiree.  Even after throwing back two poolside cocktails and chain smoking a few cigarettes, Franny still couldn’t muster the courage to reveal her girl-loving proclivities to her strict Japanese mother.The next day Franny brought Yoko back to her house and tried to ply her with rice wine before dropping the gay sake bomb.  Yoko took it surprisingly well, probably because like most mothers of homosexual children, she’s known of her daughter’s predilection perhaps even before Francine did.  When Franny mentioned Claire and admitted the two were once lovers, Yoko echoed the sentiment of the season: “that girl really really bad.”In their on-going attempts to reproduce, Kacy and Cori assembled a group of friends for a fertility ceremony on the beach.  Using a traditional symbol of fecundity – lilies – the gang focused their energy on inviting a new soul to join them.  Then they optimistically tossed the flowers into the ocean one by one.

With a ripe follicle detected, Cori and Kacy underwent another round of insemination with the hope that this time the procedure would produce a baby.  A quick search did not reveal any confirmation that the two have since successfully conceived, but best of luck on their quest to breed.

After completing preparations for The Pants & Pumps Throwdown, Jac and Whit hit the club.  Sara turned up with new girlfriend Erica, and Whit was completely distracted by their drunk and fervent PDA.  Always caving to her carnal desires against her better judgment, it was obvious how this scenario would play out for WhitneySara’s been the one cooch she could never lock down, so Whit will keep going back over and over until she gains the upper-hand.  Whitney doesn’t love Sara. Whitney loves the chase.

The whole idea of a lesbian field day seemed lame at first, but in actuality the event looked pretty fun.  The series of contests from tying a tie to applying false eye lashes were meant to provoke stereotypes.  In some ways the contest just reinforced traditional notions, especially when the Pants predictably emerged victorious.

The day peaked with chocolate syrup kiddie pool wrestling.  Kacy and Cori got so hot watching nearly nude Scarlett and Eli struggle against one another they had to discreetly retreat to the bushes to alleviate the intolerable sexual tension.

After a challenging season, good news for Romi, her accessory line Hija Por Vida was well received by Udi Behr of Love and Pride.  The promising professional step left Romi and her partner Vanessa feeling elated.  However, Romi still can’t take credit for single-handedly starting the tired-ass feather earring trend.  Though she does deserve credit for pulling her life together and doing something more this season than get wasted and fucked with a second-hand strap on.

The Real L Word: Break-up, Breakdown, Rebound

Saj’s mom Sarita flew into to town to help her recover from her split from Chanel.  Her highly amusing and enjoyable mother stated the obvious, that Saj and Chanel moved way too fast way too soon.  After a few days of maternal grounding, Saj literally wept at the thought of her mom’s return home.

Kacy met up with her friend DreaDrea and her wife conceived twins through insemination, and Kacy wanted to pump her for information on the process.  Once Drea admitted the two went through seven rounds of insemination over a year before they achieved a successful pregnancy, Kacy could barely contain her disbelief.

Later, Cori and Kacy tallied the cost of continuing the procedures over the next year.  After adding up all the different expenses, the two realized they were looking at $3,000 a month or roughly half their monthly take-home income.  Upon this realization, Cori wanted to start looking for a flesh and blood man to cooperate in the baby-making.  Kacy was clearly threatened by the thought of an actual dick entering the scene.  When she slightly raised her voice incredulous at the notion, oversensitive Cori reverted to little girl mode and whined for her to stop yelling before she broke down and fled to the other room to cry.

Well aware of their obvious incompatibility, Romi’s been itching for an excuse to dump Kelsey all season.  She unreasonably demanded that Kelsey completely cease drinking and join her in her sobriety.  When Kelsey admitted she had a glass of wine while with her sister the night before, Romi seized on the confession to create a relationship-ending dispute.

These bitches obviously don’t understand the virtues of a clean break. Romi hovered around while Kelsey packed her belongings.  Romi then drove her ex to a mutual friend’s house to crash.  Romi even went so far as to offer to provide groceries to the host on Kelsey’s behalf.

Whitney invited Kacy and Cori over to gift them with the inseminator.  Romi, fresh from the weave shop, also joined the phallic festivities.  When presented with the aqua dong (editorial note: impressive girth Caes), both the babymakers appeared genuinely touched by the gesture, summing up their feelings by saying, “there was never a more thoughtful dildo given.”When the gathering wound down, Romi pretended to leave, but as soon as she exited Whitney was all over her phone texting.  Whitney had that familiar poon-bandit look in her eye, and it was obvious she was orchestrating a rendezvous.  In the least surprising rebound ever, Romi snuck in the door and right back into Whitney’s familiar bed.

The Real L Word: I think you are confusing me with your other Asian.

Rookie lesbian Saj and her girlfriend of one month Chanel burned through the courtship period of their relationship and jumped right to the bickering.  This classic lesbian relationship foible of too-much-too-soon ruins so many unions before they even get started that it has become a gay shorthand cliché.Uncontrollably aroused by the spin cycle, Saj insisted on excessive PDA, going so far as to pin Chanel in a variety of compromising positions at the laundromat.  Embarrassed and smothered, Chanel literally had to fight off her aggressive advances.How can you tell when a lesbian is desperate to reproduce?  She hits up the Catholic fucking Church to light a candle for whatever Saint bestows such miracles. (St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes perhaps?)  Kacy did just that, hoping a pew and a prayer would result in a preggers Cori.Sadly, Cori came home that night with symptoms of menstruation and not pregnancy.  Just to be absolutely sure, she wasted a pregnancy test to confirm what she already knew was true.  The couple’s first attempt at insemination failed.  Supportive Kacy cushioned the disappointment by procuring two cigarettes which the two smoked with heavy hearts.Claire’s “other Asian” flew in from NYC to nurse the brat’s wounded ego after Franny wasn’t feeling her selfishness.  Personally, Vivian is more physically attractive, but Franny’s got more personality and verve.  Vivian donned this infantilizing pedo-bait lingerie and played little girl lezzie for her sexy time reunion.Well aware of Vivian’s arrival, jealousy and spite drove Franny to inform HBIC Whitney that she and the other girls had been the subject of Claire’s criticism concerning their jobs, looks, and style.  Franny is quite the little shit stirrer, going so far as to provide textual support for her claims. Skills for life people, skills for life.  DO NOT repeat something that you know will hurt someone’s feelings.  Remain suspicious if a person reveals mean secondhand gossip about you to your face; the bearer of the message has an agenda and cares more about manipulating you than about your hurt feelings. At Haute, Whitney confronted Claire on Franny’s accusations.  Clearly rattled, she unconvincingly denied smack talking the other castmates.  Whitney more or less saw through Claire’s denials, but really didn’t seem all that upset about being called a “professional partier.”  She’s admitted as much herself this season.With Vivian and Claire together, Franny felt extra insecure and launched a new round of petty attacks.  Eventually, Claire and Franny ended up on the same sofa where Franny blew up at Claire in a scene Viv aptly described as “messy.”  Indeed, the screaming match between Claire and Franny caused a loud public scene, but the fact that Viv sat there silently like an obedient geisha while her girlfriend was getting reamed explains why Claire revisited fiery Franny in the first place.Franny threw a “landscaping party,” which is basically an excuse for her friends to do her yard work in exchange for free booze.  At the get-together, Chanel started feeling sorry for herself and threw a pity party of her own in the bathroom.  Her childish behavior had Saj chasing after her at first.  As Chanel persisted in her antics however, Saj got super aggravated and decided to quit the relationship.  Break-ups like these usually don’t stick, but Chanel stormed out anyway for dramatic effect.

The Real L Word: InSemenAteHer

Saj and Chanel rolled up on their 30 day anniversary still not having shared a proper fuck.  Determined to get down, Saj awoke early to cook Chanel a five star breakfast including heart shaped waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. The two celebrated the day with pony rides followed up by a full body massage courtesy of a very horny and hopeful Saj. Of course the most clichéd and predictable move in the foreplay handbook worked like a charm.  Finally, these two consummated their relationship.  Anybody surprised Chanel topped Saj?Post-fuck, Saj called her sassy yet uninformed Mom, who asked a series of comical questions about the who, what, when, where, and why of lesbian sex. A lezzie-sex novice herself, Saj did her best to demystify the art of scissoring and other misunderstood Sapphic rituals.

Claire rocked a little side boobie when she went to pick up her stuff from Francine’s house.  At the end of last week’s episode, Francine and friends hauled all of Claire’s shit to the front porch to marinate in a messy pile of resentment overnight.  Predictably, Claire immediately called Vivian and begged her to come to L.A. for a visit.  So we all agree that selfish and immature Claire pretty much sux ass, right?Kacy and Cori further prepared for their reproductive quest this week by taking a series of ovulation tests.  After several inconclusive home results, the couple visited Dr. Morris who informed them that Cori was indeed ripe.Upon this discovery, the Doc went to fetch the iced spunk and inseminated Cori then and there. In an effort to support Kacy and Cori’s expansion plans, Whitney and Alyssa decided to create a dong mold to build a dick-shaped inseminator.  While brainstorming for a perfect candidate, Whitney thought of her well-endowed friend Caes.Proud of his package, Caes agreed to model for the dong mold and brought his girlfriend as a fluffer.  It took several frustrating attempts to sync the timing of the hard-on with the firming of the goop.  The crew experimented with different vessels, but eventually Whitney and her friend Ruby just smeared the rubbery gunk on the mang’s junk with their bare hands. After the dong mold formed, Whitney slid it off and was pleased the shape had set to her satisfaction.  Caes dried off his wenis (4 u MWY) with a towel and then chucked it at Whitney’s head to her horror and disgust.  Enjoy a shot of dude’s wang because I know you pervs are dying to see it. 

The Real L Word: JUICY

Rachel finally cornered Whitney (and the camera crew) in the guest bathroom at a pool party.  With very little solicitation on Rachel’s part, Whitney bent her over the sink and turned her out unbeknownst to the sunbathers just outside.Kacy and Cori visited the fertility specialist who advised baby vessel Cori to kick cigarettes for maximum fertility.  Cori hired a Mark Harmonesque hypnotist named Bruce to cure her of her addiction.  Immediately after Bruce broke the induced trance, Cori felt the treatment worked.Apparently, the spell’s magic only had a shelf life of about 6 hours, because later that evening Cori was crawling out of her skin with a raging nic fit.  Thinking an electric cigarette might ease her suffering, Cori made Kacy drive her from gas station to corner store on the hunt for the elusive device.  In the process of hitting up store after store, Cori left her phone behind, and completely lost her shit when she discovered it had gone missing.Several castmembers ended up at the same girlparty PYT.  Everyone seemed to enjoy mellow fun until one of Whitney’s wasted friends Chas started calling Claire a “deb” from New York.  A debutante burn?  No, apparently “deb” for “Debbie Downer” was the stated explanation, but that doesn’t really make much sense, right?  Was Chas implying it was desperate to relocate from New York to catch shine off a lezzie reality show?  Is Chas bitter she didn’t make The Real L Word cut?  For the most part this show prefers its lesbians of the lipstick or soft butch variety, and Chas is Dan Connor-flavored.

Romi’s friend Drew is a 12-stepper and is easing Romi into the recovery scene.  With Romi abstaining and Kelsey boozing, the two constantly clash and even discussed parting ways.  At 23, Kelsey’s still naïve enough to think this is a lasting arrangement.  In a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, Kelsey pronounced that she too will quit the bottle.  Quite sure she can’t make it at a club without a drink, she phoned Romi’s sober buddy Drew to take her to AA.  Romi reacted selfishly to the news that Kelsey and Drew spent the evening cuddled in bed watching movies and threw a childish fit. Drew did drop this little nugget of wisdom, “If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you’ll piss all over today.”  Could someone please embroider that on a pillow for me stat?Trading on her new-found recognition among the Lesbian community, professional pussy party pusher Whitney hosted her own girlparty Juicy (grossy).  Whitney and HBICs at The Real L Word deserve a little credit; many shows (eehhemm Hills) don’t want stars to acknowledge the reality of how fame affects their lives after the first season airs.  At least Whitney straight up acknowledges (with a hint of embarrassment) that she’s more or less succumbed to milking her F-list celebrity status.