The Real L Word is back with Season 2, this time younger, thinner, and nakeder. The only Sapphic star to make the second season cut…
Welcome back Whitney. 
It will surprise no one to learn that Sara and Whitney are still doing the on and off thing. Whitney’s closest friends oppose a relationship between her and Sara. A more svelte appearing Alyssa suspects Sara’s true intentions are more starfucker than sweetheart. Alyssa has always been and will always be the Yoda of this program. 
Whitney’s only significant ex, Rachel, arrived in LA with her own intentions to complicated things further for the locked lezzie. Whitney has no sympathy for jet-lag, so after Rachel hit the hay, Whitney snuck out the back door to meet Sara for a secret, yet fully-filmed fuck sesh.
Romi and the Rebound
Romi’s been promoted to full cast member this season season because she agreed to show full frontal. She’s got a new rebound girlfriend named Kelsey who looks eerily like Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone. Hovering around ten months, the relationship grieves the honeymoon stage and struggles with the transition into LTR. The two admit they haven’t fucked in three weeks.
After a tension-filled night on the town with another couple, Romi and Kelsey drunkenly groped on the bed, nearly breaking their 3 week dry spell before Romi abruptly fell asleep. If that’s not a sign of imminent demise, what is?
Rice Chaser
New cast member Claire, dubbed a “rice chaser” by her own girlfriend for her tendency to date ladies of the pan-Asian variety, is leaving her east coast lesbiasian Vivian to rekindle the flame with her west coast lesbiasian Francine. 
Claire gives Whitney a run for the money in the narcissism department, but unlike the ladies of Whitney’s harem, Francine has no trouble putting Claire in her place. In fact, Francine has the kind of nutsack most men would envy. Upon Claire’s arrival to L.A., the two immediately started bickering. Claire looks like a young Erica Jong, and carries all the tension in her mouth as she kisses one parliament light after another. 
The Baby Makers
The show wouldn’t be complete without married baby makers Kacy and Cori. Is the pussy willow picture a joke? To further their steps towards procreating, the couple visited the sex store in search of something with which “you can strap on and squirt material at people.” The helpful salesman offered a butt douche, but the two decided to return to more familiar waters and check out the DIY possibilities at Home Depot. 
Later on, the baby makers swallowed their first bitter mouthful of disappointment when prospective sperm donor Brent backed out by text message.
Fresh out the Closet
Meet Sajdah, fresh out the closet and new to LA. She takes no time in breaking into the scene via internet dating. Using Facebook to connect with Chanel, she agrees to meet up for an open mic night. Quietly eager, Sajdah rolled up to the date with laid back game. The two had palpable chemistry and before long worked the latest dance craze – the pussy bump.
This week on Gigolos, Mistress Samantha justified her late-night sex-toy shopping spree by locking Jimmy’s cock in a cage. During the first encounter, she administered the device and this was their exchange.
“Oh, you’ve got some big balls.”
“They come from my Mom’s side.”
“I’m not being weird or anything, but I wanna see that sonofabitch.” 
“A cock cage, alright, now that’s some fucked up white people shit because you’d never catch a brother with a cage around his dick.” 
“A cock cage kinda feels like an eagle is clutching your junk like it’s a salmon. You know, it’s just one of the most uncomfortable things ever.”
Time to discuss Gigolos, Showtime’s new series about five male escorts working in Las Vegas. Nowadays it takes quite a bit to shock, but Gigolos goes all the way with full-frontal nudity, ball smacking doggie style, and even a gang bang.
Meet Nick, the tatted-up “bad boy.” The most interesting thing about Nick is trying to solve the mystery of what he’s covering under that all-encompassing shoulder tattoo. His school teacher client compared the body art to spilled spaghetti.
This is Jimmy serving young Randall Batinkoff. Remember For Keeps? Bonus point if you do.
Vin is the newest member of the manwhore crew and was allegedly brought in to provide diversity. 
Over-bronzed Brace is the past-his-prime, bourbon-soaked surfer-type.
Analyzing what motivates the women who hire these “professionals” is really more interesting than the discount Don Juans themselves. A teacher, a zaftig medical assistant, and a dick-hungry divorcee all participate in sex on camera within the first two episodes.
Rumor has it since the premiere early this month, the escort service Cowboys 4 Angels is blowing up. Sorry boys, this particular agency caters exclusively to women.
With Taylor gone, I feared The Rachel Zoe Project had lost its teeth. With the addition of A-listers like Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway however, RZP fulfilled the behind-the-scene celebrity styling promise that in seasons past it had failed to keep.
Mad Men somehow managed to improve upon perfection. Season four was the best so far for the impeccably written, acted, and styled period drama. The finale left a huge gaping hole in Sundays.
We’re seven episodes into a meandering kidnapping plot on Sons of Anarchy and it pales in comparison to last season’s tightly constructed story anchored by a brilliant Katey Sagal. Get it together boys. Though we all appreciated the stunt casting of Stephen King, you only have a few episodes left to salvage this season. 
Admit it, this once-brilliant show has been circling the drain for awhile. At this point, it is beyond salvation. Once the Botwin’s left the construct of suburbia, the show’s concept fell apart. Where is Elizabeth Perkins? Romany Malco? This show deserves double demerits for dropping some of its best cast — without explanation — along the way. 
Schwartz and Savage are the poster children for squandered opportunity. First with the O.C., and now with Gossip Girl, the overrated duo begin with a great concept and then proceed to completely mismanage its potential. The first season of Gossip Girl sizzled; since then, it has gone from lukewarm to completely irrelevant. At this point, Degrassi has more edge.
The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning. The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill. The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original. Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?
Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu. Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union. With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.
Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction. Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party. However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off. The two got into it over going to the ladies room. This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.
Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends. Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings. Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!
Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist. Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships. At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.
Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care. Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her. Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.
Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home. Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve. The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye. Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.
Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics. Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.
The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi! Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin. 
Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool. In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone. Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”
After Rose ditched Natalie at the bar with no ride and no keys last week, we caught Rose surreptitiously meeting up with her ex-girlfriend, the famous Angel, behind Natalie’s back. Rose justified the deception by saying that Angel makes her feel better and puts things in perspective. Angel, smarter than Natalie, called Rose on her bullshit saying, “It’s always about you and what you need and never about anything else. I’m done.” Upon realizing that Angel was not going to be her soft place to land, Rose cut her losses and went groveling back to an overly-forgiving Natalie. Grow a pair and dump her ass Natalie!
With the guilt of last night’s strap-on interlude on her conscience, Whitney attempted to clean up the remnants of the White Trash Party. She and Alyssa clumsily maneuvered the nauseating mixture of cream corn, lube, and shame into a shopping cart which they wheeled over to some nearby dumpsters. Whitney, you can dispose of your lubed corn evidence, but the karmic stench of that grimy pune juggling will stick with you forever.
Tracy’s mom, Zory, surprised her for her 30th birthday. Even though Zory has had difficulty adjusting to Tracy’s lesbian turn, Tracy decided it would be a good idea to take her to Stamie’s unedited comedy routine. In the world’s most awkward first meeting, Tracy introduced her mom to a surprised Stamie. The three stood around in silence for forty-five seconds before Stamie took the stage to bust out her graphic lesbian jokes. Way to ease your mom into it Tracy!
After dinner, things went from awkward to borderline offensive when Tracy asked her mom if she wanted to meet Stamie’s kids, and Zory responded with stone-cold silence. Stamie rightfully found her lack of enthusiasm alienating, which caused her to give up on Zory and cool towards Tracy. If bad blood develops between Stamie and Zory, it is a direct result of Tracy’s failure to adequately manage this situation. This disastrous first meeting will ripple consequences for months to come.
Brooklyn Fashion Weekend’s blonder cousin L.A. Fashion Weekend finally arrived, and Mikey prepped for the headlining runway show: Richie Sambora’s line White Trash Beautiful. The fact that this was the marquee fashion line speaks to the utter irrelevancy of L.A. Fashion. Ava Sambora, Richie and Heather Locklear’s daughter, was scheduled to walk in the show. She and her mother showed up to Mikey’s office for a fitting and flattery. Mikey fawned over a barely-recognizable T.J. Hooker, while Ava rolled her eyes at the overblown gushing. Mikey continued to flirt with a loopy Locklear until Raquel showed up under the pretext of delivering a surprise gift of balloons and flowers.
After a brief panic over the lighting on the step and repeat, Mikey took the stage to open the White Trash Beautiful show. As for the clothes, drop the “White” and drop the “Beautiful” and all you have left is “Trash,” and that’s probably the best description of the mishmash of fugly that paraded down the runway. Mikey drew extra attention to the shameless demonstration of Sambora nepotism by announcing Ava’s name over the loudspeaker like it was some church fashion show. The single most shocking moment was the tight shot of Heather Locklear’s face. Girl, chill with the fillers, damn.
Mikey rounded out her professional triumph by bringing Raquel on stage for a grand wedding proposal in front of the dazzling selection of C-listers. Naturally, Raquel accepted, and the two shared a romantic backstage kiss. Mazel Ladies!
Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover. Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room. He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.” 
Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds. 
This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay. Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.
The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave. Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.
Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party. A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action. Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys. I would cut a bitch for this.
Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole. If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern? Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.
The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team Whitney. Whitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on. Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and Tor. Whitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.
To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness. Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone. It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”
Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected. After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.
Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.
The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.
After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.
We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on. Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it. Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.
As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor. Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas Whit! Whitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”
As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor. As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.
Tracy’s sisters, Amy and Audrey, and their boyfriends arrived at Stamie’s for movie night. Amy still hasn’t accepted Tracy’s relationship and forced an awkward smile as the group discussed the family’s reaction to her fledgling lesbianism. Aggravated Amy began snapping over take-out menus and eventually got up and walked out saying, “You guys can cuddle, go ahead.” 
Later on, Amy indicated that their Mom had been fishing around for information on Stamie. Even though Tracy’s patience has been wearing thin over the last five years, she took her Mother’s interest in Stamie as a promising sign.
The Pottery Barn lesbians, Nik and Jill, began their search for a suitable wedding location. The two made a pact not to argue over the wedding plans which pretty much guaranteed a conflict-riddled process. With two women planning a wedding, who gets the final say on things like location, flowers, and food? Most men don’t give a fuck, so they just smile and nod and try to appease the bride. Two brides creates the potential for double dueling bridezillas with each impending decision. 
The two ventured to a cliff-side mansion in Malibu previewing it as a possible wedding locale. Nik fell in love with the first house they saw and pressured Jill to immediately book it despite the fact it eclipsed their location budget by three times. Jill, ever the pragmatist, wanted to look at other places which resulted in the first breach of the aforementioned no-argument pact.
Mikey should have hooked up with her East Coast counterpart Kelly Cutrone because the turnout for her openhouse for West Coast designers was embarrassing. She drank her shame by busting out mimosas. Mikey kept the party going after that hot mess of an event and took it to an NYC tranny bar in an attempt to redeem the day. 
Mikey proceeded to soak up all the booze in NYC, and therefore didn’t make it back to her hotel until 3:00 am, causing her to miss the entire next morning of her workday. This oversleep constituted a mayjah unprofesh folly on her part, so she sheepishly vowed to rein in her drinking in the future.
During a dinner with her sister, Whitney admitted she learned her pune juggling ways from her father who had an affair on Whitney’s Mom years ago. Having adopted his sexual magnetism, she now resents how this trait has manifested destruction and chaos in her own life.
Tor tried flirting with Scarlett, but was ultimately overpowered by Whitney’s kavorka. She mounted a half-sleeping Whitney, planting a wet smooch on her lips virtually out of nowhere. Tor called Whitney a douche between snogs, and Whitney claimed to like the fact that Tor put her in her place. I must have missed that episode, because I have yet to see Whitney adequately humbled for her duplicitous behavior.