Tag Archives: Simon Van Kampen

Bethenny’s Getting a Big Head?

Bethenny was invited to walk in the annual Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show to raise awareness for heart disease.  This event resulted in major red lipstick/red dress overkill.  Red dress, nude lip please. In general, Bethenny does look good in red; however, a belly cradle is not a runway walk.  Just walk bitch, save the cutesy shit for your lame Learning Annex lectures. Afterward, she went shamelessly trolling for compliments from Jason before turning into a four year old when he inevitably told her she did great.  What does Jason know about runway anyway?  He tucks his button-downs into his jeans.

Upholding her Skinny Girl values, Bethenny ate cake and icing for breakfast as she and Jason discussed adding an addition to Team Bethenny in the way of a new assistant.  We also got to see their new apartment in Tribeca which has a connecting office for Bethenny’s biznass.

Bethenny interviewed several candidates for the position, including an intellectual food-writer and a few gays, before settling on hot, straight, Jewish MaxCookie basically made the decision by curling up at Max’s feet instead of attacking him like she did every other candidate.  If Bethenny fails to discipline Bryn like Cookie, that kid is screwed.

At Megu, Bethenny and Jason put down half the animal kingdom while discussing their impending nuptials.  They agreed to a relatively small wedding (40 guests each), but Jason was hesitant and emphasized that his friends and family’s presence was important to him.  Then the two argued over whether Jason could watch the watermelon shoot out the cannon.  Jason wanted to see the baby born and Bethenny wanted to keep her cooch concealed; neither anticipated her guts would be laid out on a table during an emergency C-section.Bethenny confessed that she was planning on seeing a therapist to help her cope with her father’s death and all the changes in her life.  Then Jason declared, “I think if you’re a couple and you need to go to counseling, it’s over.”  This relationship is so fucked, seriously.  It really doesn’t appear that these two agree on anything.  Before you know it, Bethenny will be doing a reality show as a New York single career mom à la Kelly Cutrone. Cut to Bethenny arriving at Dr. Amador’s office, camera crew in tow, to reveal her deepest feelings about the loss of her family, her relationship, and pregnancy.  Bethenny admitted that Jason wants people around all the time and she doesn’t.  Dr. Amador inquired as to Bethenny’s parents, and she disclosed that she more or less has been out of touch with her parents since she was fifteen and never really had a relationship with her dad.  She confessed that even on his deathbed, her father failed to acknowledge her in a way she desperately needed him to for closure.  Dr. Amador concluded, “If I had the experience you described I’d be terrified of relationships.”

Max showed up for his first day of work, and Jason came in to beat his chest and mark his turf.  After giving Max a little grief, the two bonded and ended up fist bumping much to Bethenny’s chagrin.  Would you hang a picture of your bare ass in your office?  Just asking.

Jason reminded Bethenny he was leaving for Florida the next day and she panicked over the housewarming party.  Jason’s life-long friend was coming into town, and Bethenny didn’t want him and his girlfriend to stay at their apartment.  Bethenny, as a New Yorker, have you not realized that house guests are a part of urban living?  She totally over-reacted and unleashed her pregnant pit-bull attack on Jason in the kitchen.  They argued over the issue all the way to the jeweler to select their wedding bands before they agreed to shelve the argument during the shopping. Since Bethenny explicitly mentioned the name of the jeweler, the rings were probably free or deeply discounted.  Therefore, Bethenny’s statements about paying off the rings were totally disingenuous.  Me no likey that fake ass shit.

Bethenny prepped for the gathering and complained about having to meet the expectations of guests attending a chef’s party.  While she and her gay Chuck hassled Max over his metrosexuality, Bethenny received a call from Jason as the camera panned to ominous snowy weather. Jason dropped the news that he was not going to make it in time for the party, and this threw Bethenny into full on hysteria.  You already have a fucking camera crew living at your house Bethenny, what are a few more friends?  Woman up, get over it, put on a smile, and host the shit out of the party. Bethenny’s discomfort manifested itself as mania, and she prattled a little too loud and fast to all the guests as they arrived. In another sign this relationship is doomed, Riccio, Jason’s best man, clearly hated Bethenny as she interrupted and dismissed him to talk about herself.  Bethenny complains that fame went to Jill’s head, but it is moments like these where Bethenny proves just how self-important and unlikable she’s become. Alex and Simon brought a housewarming orchid (nice touch), and Alex offered to throw Bethenny a wedding/baby shower. Jason called to apologize to the group for missing the party.  Bethenny admitted all the drama was in her head, but his friends looked truly uncomfortable that they had been left alone with the megalomaniacal reality star.

RHNY: Show up for the important stuff

This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le CirqueJill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology).  Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on.  Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility.  Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.

At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze.  The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.

We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage.  This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season.  Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning.  Jill said something worth emphasizing.

You have to show up for the important stuff.”

Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion.  Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue.  Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?

The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together.  Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year.  Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.

RHNY: KELLY BENPSYCHO

The morning after brought the ladies together for breakfast and a regurgitation of last night’s cook vs. chef argument with a sprinkling of ho-bag thrown in as a little hair of the dog.  Tears, peanut-butter cookies, and F-bombs over breakfast, it’s going to be a doozey of an episode.

Ramona rented St. John’s version of Paloma Picasso’s Moroccan mansion.  This amazing waterfront property is fucking gorgeous, right?  Luxury wasted on the wicked.

Bethenny put together a shwag bag for the girls which rubbed Kelly the wrong way.  She called it impersonal even though the bag was personalized with her fucking initials.  Kelly had a good pity cry before calling Jill for an island to mainland pep talk.  In this discush, Kelly accused Bethenny of having in-your-face DD size fake tits.  Isn’t it a well known fact Kelly’s east-west facing breastage resulted from surgical augmentation?  This bitch is bananas foster.

The next morning, Bethenny womanned the stove while Kelly busted out with her complaint pad.  Kelly offered to take photographs of the women on the beach in between repetitiously mentioning her stupid complaint pad.  After unsuccessfully baiting Bethenny, Kelly left to work out her man body.

At the world’s most embarrassing and uncomfortable photo shoot, Kelly donned her photographer birth-control glasses as she cajoled cougartastic poses from the middle-aged saggy sorority sisters.  Here’s the thing Kelly, just because Giles Bensimon put his wang in your cooter does not mean that you absorbed any of his photographic talent.

After a week’s respite from Jill Zarin, she and the Cuntess met up to stir the cauldron over dinner.  Jill revealed that Kelly’s been calling her from St. John expressing distress.  This cry for help was all the persuasion Jill needed to drop in on the group unannounced.  Jill described an idyllic fantasy scene where she and Bethenny would sit on the beach and mend fences.  Don’t hold your breath Zarin.

Bethenny decided to put her mise en place where her mouth is and prepared dinner for the group.  Kelly took a page from the Alexis Bellino playbook and brought her self-important child-parent cell phone call to dinner.  Ramona did not enjoy this and the two hens pecked at each other before the martinis and appetizers were served.Kelly continued to snipe and complain a little too loudly about the food, the conversation, and the company casting a negative cloud over the meal. 

Sonja and Ramona raved about the food which looked traditional and well presented. Ramona mentioned she hadn’t heard from JillKelly confessed that she had, and that Jill asked her about Bethenny. As Benpsycho continued her romp down crazy lane, Ramona attempted to formally apologize for the Brooklyn Bridge beat down.  Kelly interrupted Ramona’s efforts which caused her to grab Bethenny and flee.  Bethenny did an I-told-you-so-dance while Ramona acknowledged that Kelly was indeed couscous.Kelly pontificated about the day’s photography sesh before skewing the conversation towards criticizing Alex for her Bethenny bulletin at Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch.  Alex has never been quick on the draw, she’s a woman who needs to  strategize exactly how she is going to respond – probably with Simon’s help.  Rather than countering Kelly’s attack by complimenting her mad tuck game, Alex fled with Bethenny while Ramona cackled trailing behind.

Sonja actually made herself somewhat relevant by sticking around and looking Kelly in the eye and telling her she was insulting, defensive, crazy, and weird.  Kelly fixated on Bethenny’s alleged planting of negative press about her kids and even accused her of attacking her friend “Gwyneth.”

Things got a little Lord of the Flies with Kelly criticizing Bethenny’s choice to travel after her Dad’s death and Bethenny screaming at Kelly to “GO TO SLEEP!”  The group vacillated between sympathizing and demonizing Benpsycho.

Surprisingly, Bethenny ended up diffusing the fight by telling Kelly she wasn’t attacking her and didn’t plant bad press about her.  Bethenny’s reassurances seemed to calm Kelly down and once they poured some Pinot Grigio on it everything seemed all good. The girls shouldn’t get too comfortable with peace, hurricane Jill rolls through St. John next week.

RHNY: Throw the Baby Out With the Press Release

Bethenny acted confounded that Perez posted her pregnancy.  Bitch you took a God Damn pregnancy test in front of a fucking camera crew.  Don’t act like suddenly that shit is sacred and secret.  Bethenny plotted to exploit this baby from conception and has put everything up for sale along the way.The Cuntess visited Sonja’s pied-à-merde when Jill called to dis her informal invitations and discuss the Bethenny pregnancy bombshell.Jill seemed to think she was entitled to have an opinion on the status of Bethenny’s uterus.  None of the three had any details, so they rehashed their own pregnancy war stories before deciding Bethenny didn’t warrant an invite to Cuntess’s Couture and Cocktails event.

Meanwhile, Bethenny attempted bump-watch damage control at her Upper East Side efficiency.  She unceremoniously dropped the revelation on Jason without preamble.  He was understandably upset that the news broke before he had a chance to tell his parents and friends. Bethenny proclaimed that she had to confirm the pregnancy.  Bullshit.  Bethenny did not have to confirm her pregnancy that early.  Yes, people read Perez, but no one considers him a legitimate or accurate news source.  She could have easily kept her mouth shut and bought herself some time.  Bethenny used her pregnancy to gain traction for her spin-off and probably dropped the tip on Perez herself.Don’t believe her poor-me lack of privacy song and dance.  To put it in perspective, Sandra Bullock adopted a child at the height of her Oscar race frenzy and she was able to keep it under wraps.  If A-list, hyper-examined Sandra Bullock can keep an adopted child secret for months, Bethenny easily could have kept her news quiet.Jill met up with Jennifer Gilbert (new housewife?) to plan an ice skating themed holiday party:  Zarin’s Holiday Party on Ice.  After name-dropping Donald Trump, the two considered whether Jill should do a solo skating number for the crowd.  Seriously?  Sounds like Jill’s super sweet sixteen.  Fucking Gross.

Sonja brought Ramona to Dr. Bellin’s office for a plastic surgery consult on her “pooch.”Ramona questioned the Doc’s credentials and ran him through his paces as he looked regretful he’d let a camera crew in his office.  Sonja thinks her belly is her problem when it is actually her personality that could use an upgrade.

Bethenny broke the pregnancy news to Alex who seemed genuinely enthusiastic about sharing gestational intel.Jill had the audacity to send Bethenny an email directing her how and when to disseminate the pregnancy news.  This lead Alex to encourage Bethenny to let her deliver a message to Jill that “Bethenny’s done!”  Alex, having built up a significant amount of animosity towards Jill over the past three years was more than happy to confront Jill on Bethenny’s behalf. Jill and Bobby taped a segment for the local news, and when I say Jill and Bobby, I mean Jill let Bobby get three words out before she hijacked the interview leaving him looking like a confused senior citizen.  Nice suit though Bobby.Sonja met up with her psychic to discuss her potential tummy tuck.  The most notable part of this scene was the full size self-portrait hanging in the background.  I only thought women in the South hung life-size self-portraits of themselves in their homes.What the fuck is Kelly wearing to Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch?  Bright-ass red hot pants, totally appropriate.Jill criticized every possible aspect of the event.  First she nit-picked Ramona’s brochure picture, then the unoriginality of the product, and even the healthiness of the food, all to avenge Ramona for “ruining” her Kodak event.Alex arrived and shortly thereafter Ramona received a bottle of congratulatory Pinot Grigio from Bethenny with a pregnancy confessing card attached.  Alex and Ramona bragged that they had already heard through Twitter, and Jill ignited at not being the first to know. Alex bragged that she had talked to Bethenny for forty-five minutes about the pregnancy that afternoon before the People article came out.  Twitter, People, oh no, Bethenny’s not a shameless press hound exploiting her unborn child for fame.Alex painfully delayed the message ratcheting the anticipation through the rafters.  By the time she actually spit it out, the crowd had already turned on her.It goes without saying that it was not Alex’s place to deliver Bethenny’s animus to Jill, but if she felt compelled to get involved she should have been more strategic.  Alex aimed to humiliate Jill, but her amateur approach left her looking like the asshole and Jill in tears.

Alex brought maternity jeans to Bethenny along with a recap of the debacle from the night before.  Alex confessed that confronting Jill had more to do with her underlying anger than her allegiance to Bethenny. Bethenny could clearly give a fuck.  She has her man, morning sickness, media frenzy, a spin-off, and is taking her empire to the next level leaving behind these petty cows for greener pastures.

RHNY: Brooklyn Abridged

Hey Ramona, 2001 called and it wants its velour tracksuit back.  Apparently Ramona missed the irony in calling Bethenny a press monger when she is blatantly promoting her own dreadful jewelry with that hideous t-shirt.“At least I have friends, you have no friends!  Who are your friends?  You have nobody in your life right now.  You have Jason and you’ll probably mess that up too!”  Rameana preaches the truth, but did she have to yell it off the Brooklyn Bridge?Bethenny tried to suppress her tears as she croaked out a disorganized defense.  Personally, I would have launched Ramona and her ugly jumpsuit right over the bridge.  I’ll wrestle a bitch, I don’t give a fuck. Nice jeggings Simon.

I wish Kelly would crawl into her “trend-driven cap” and die.  This bitch’s profound stupidity offends.  Let’s move on shall we?Here’s a little tip for Use Your Head, the high-end thrift shop, if you want to unload $2,800 second-hand Lanvin maybe you should take it off those cheap, plastic, thrift-store hangers.  That store is SCREAMING for a merchandiser.  In the immortal words of Joan Crawford, “No Wire Hangers!”

I personally think LuAnn’s comments about the darkness of Jill’s guest room constituted one of those digs disguised as compliments that Bethenny was talking about a couple episodes back.  That bedroom is a hot mess though; guess it wasn’t part of last year’s redecorating.  Speaking of redecorating, are Jill and Brad – her main gay – on the outs?  I haven’t seen him all season.Jill summited the peak of ostentation by fanning around her Saks Diamond credit card in front of LuAnn.  Jill, we aren’t stupid, we know you are getting kick backs from Saks for all the on-screen name-dropping.

Ladies that run out and buy the new Louis Vuitton bag (or whatever the handbag of the moment might be), have no innate sense of style.  Logo bags are for those who need to be told what to wear, what is fashionable, and what looks expensive.  Whether she’s draped in Louis Vuitton or not, you can take the girl out of Long Island, but not the Long Island out of the girl.Furthermore Jill, nobody wants your stinky canine in her bed when she is sleeping over.  You are the only one that loves that evil little dog.  Keep your farting dog the hell away from your guest bed.  Skills for life folks, when people visit your house they are just being polite when they tell you your kids and pets are cute.  In truth, both your pet and your kids are fucking annoying and you should put both away when guests come over.At the Brooklyn Fashion Weekend model casting, Bethenny confided in Alex regarding her father’s ailing health.  Bethenny confides in Alex because Alex is a good listener and isn’t judgey. Rushing cross country to a sick parent’s bedside is no fun, and I sympathize with Bethenny.  I was sad to hear her say later in the episode that her father wouldn’t see her.  I sincerely hope she and her father reached some level of reconciliation before he passed last year. Kelly entered, oddly secretive about her fragrance, and pontificated about the grueling lives of human clothes hangers known as models.  Ramona joined the gathering and hatched the plot for Ambush 2010 before Bethenny bolted to catch her flight to L.A.

Jill trudged it over to Brooklyn, hateful little dog in tow, to feign interest in Alex and her grubby children.  Jill was visibly upset that she hadn’t been included in Brooklyn Fashion Weekend.  This is not a woman who likes to be out the loop.  Alex tried to get Jill to reconsider her staunch anti-Bethenny stance to no avail.  Alex nailed it when she said Jill was a scorekeeper.  Jill’s cold-hearted response to the news about Bethenny’s father made her look like a filthy hypocrite.  All this spite is aging you Jill! Francois is quite the little climber though, isn’t he?

Bethenny taught us an important lesson here; if you have to face your enemy — go in looking your best.  Bethenny hasn’t looked better this season. Jill’s resistance to talk stemmed from the illegitimate basis of her anger towards Bethenny, but she was trapped and forced into the discussion.  When they started talking it became clear that these two will never reconcile.  The bottom-line is that Jill’s a jealous bitch, and she’s not evolved enough to overcome it.  Ramona and LuAnn shamelessly eavesdropped until the Countess couldn’t stand it anymore and interrupted first with tea then to drag Jill away.  Bethenny’s right, the Countess would sooner give up her title than see Jill and Bethenny make up.

Once Bethenny split the Upper East Side ambush, all Jill’s frustration turned to Ramona, and you could literally see the storm clouds gather and fear flood Ramona’s face as the Countess and Jill turned on her like a couple of hungry hyenas.Realizing she just acted like a total bitch for the whole world to see, Jill finally broke down in a self-pitying sob. Jill you are wrong, you have been too hard on her, and you are acting like a hateful, covetous wench.  It’s official, TEAM BETHENNY!

Now, how long till Kitson prints up t-shirts?

Bethenny’s an Honest Woman

MAZEL TOV to Bethenny and Jasonmarried Sunday, March 28th at the Four Seasons.Sorry, but this is gross.BridezillaFrom the Britney Spears collection.Off to our all expenses paid honeymoon.Alex and Simon, nerd love.Steal that spotlight Ramona.