Tag Archives: Simon van Kempen

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

RHNY: Suck a Golden Dick

Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season.  The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.

Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb.  Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying.  Chicken is not a vegetable people!  If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian.  That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack.  Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed.  With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona.  Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.

The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot.  After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.

After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced.  The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits.  Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. Of course Sonja did a number.  She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates.  Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own.  It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season.  Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…

“Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.”

RHNY: vadge-arty party

Rumors of certain cast mates (Cindy & Alex) getting dropped from next season have been swirling in the gossip stew for a little while now.  This week’s especially dull episode proved that a RHNY retool is required and not just recommended. The oh-so-selfless Ramona decided to follow up Avery’s major birthday bash with a fête of her own.  In order to seem a little less narcissistic, she secretly included Sonja (also celebrating a birthday) as a guest of honor.  Even though Kelly considers herself the fakery-enforcement, she ohhed and ahhed over Ramona’s artificially flavored speech and her tacky home-printed invites.  Alex spent the scene trying to angle her face and body in the most flattering light to secure maximum camera time.  Both Alex and Kelly annoyingly gushed over Ramona’s idea like it was a new born baby.Without segue or warning, we’re thrown into Barshop pushing Vajewels in a dimly-lit space.  Without gloves, tables, or any equipment, Cindy and her staff applied sparkles to the nether regions of both male and female attendees.  Like tinsel and feather hair extensions, this juvenile trend belongs on trashy twats under 25.  For grown-ass women, these gimmicks are gross, lame and desperate.  The evening peaked when Kelly took a crystal destined for poon and placed it on the mole on her face, which resulted in her looking like she’d been muff-diving at Scores.At the vadge-arty party, Simon slid his buns down next to Jill and asked for a one-on-one Diet Coke date so  Simon could get some screen time this season the two could settle their differences.  His direct approach made it difficult for Jill to initially say no, so she agreed to a later meeting.  After Simon departed, Jill turned to Kelly who convinced her to cancel the Jill-Simon exclusive.  Without adequately considering the fall-out, Jill approached Simon and retracted her participation.  Her reasoning was sound for rejecting the offer, and as she prattled on Simon’s embarrassment ripened.  Rather than admit he’d overstepped, he cautioned Jill to “Watch out!” and the two shot off in different directions to seek reinforcement from their respective camps.Poor Sonja’s just trying to get through the season while hiding her destitution.  Bless her heart, she’s been wearing all black hoping we won’t notice all her clothes are ten years old.  Faced with an obstructed pipe and no weekend staff, Sonja called a hunky plumber.  Lacking the funds to pay the professional and not getting the vibe that plumber Paul would accept a BJ in exchange,  Sonja stuck her own ungloved hand down the commode and recovered a toilet paper-covered blackberry.  Even Paul looked skeeved, and he handles shit professionally.Later, guests arrived at the joint birthday fiesta Ramona planned for herself and SonjaSimon boldly rocked a cheongsam which confused the fuck out of the coat-check guy.Ramona demanded everyone “toe the line” with white roses in hand to greet Sonja like some fucked-up version of the Bachelor.  When Sonja arrived, Ramona insisted she remove her coat.  Underneath, Sonja wore a silver metallic dress just like Ramona.  Surprise!  We’re twins!  Fucking gross yo.So let’s discuss the weird vibe between Mario and SonjaSonja mentioned in Morocco that she knew things about Mario.  Have these two fucked?  They totally act like they fucked.Alex and Kelly met up for brunch.  Kelly’s strategy was to pretend like she was the spokesbitch from the council of concern.  She then gripped her coffee mug in one hand and requested that Alex temper Simon’s “mean-tweeting.”After several seasons together, we know how Alex and Simon roll.  Alex responded predictably by telling Kelly to take her problem up with Simon.Kelly broke out her favorite adjectives “creepy, inappropriate, and odd.”Like clockwork, Alex got splotchy, Kelly got nasally, and neither one ceded much ground. Kelly must be stealing one liners from her gays because calling Simon Alex’s “pageant dad” is way too clever to be a bensimon original.

 

RHNY:16

Ramona’s daughter Avery and LuAnn’s daughter Victoria both celebrated their 16th birthday on the same night this week.  The first segment skipped back and forth between scenes of overbearing, bratty Avery making demands of her planners, and a vacant Victoria abdicating complete control to hers.Avery nixed a series of ideas from the pushy planner.  Her worst fear seemed to be that the event would feel “bat mitzvah.”  Like most girls their age, both wanted a 21st birthday disguised as a 16th.Prying must run in the family because Jill’s sister couldn’t resist offering unsolicited legal advice to Sonja about her bankruptcy.  Forcing this conversation in Wexler’s waiting room was gross and uncomfortable.But not nearly as gross and uncomfortable as watching Dr. Wexler deliver a series of painful injections around the perimeter of Jill’s face.LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill’s birthday.  When Ramona arrived, she and LuAnn discovered that their daughters’ birthday parties not only fell on the same night, they also shared the same theme!  Faux Frost Pas.Jill’s nearest and dearest attention-seeking castmates each took turns hogging the spotlight.  First Barshop did some weird poetry reading in a headpiece claiming to evoke Josephine Baker, but her outfit reflects that she had no actual knowledge of Josephine Baker.Then Kelly used her toast time at the mic to repeatedly point out that she was late and apologize to the uninterested crowd.  Ramona donned a red wig and impersonated Jill complaining about the size of her diamonds.  Self-serving LuAnn headed up the rear in full showgirl regalia singing a dragish tribute to Jill that had the crowd searching for her Adam’s Apple.Simon can’t quite quit smoking for good, so he hired a hypnotist to externally lobotomize his nicotine craving.  Like any good junkie, he had to go out for one last fix.  When he returned, Jacob put him under and repeatedly yelled “you are a non-smoker!” in an unidentifiable accent.Ramona checked into the party venue and panicked when she realized her precious Pinot hadn’t arrived.  She kept slurring “seriously” to convey the urgency of the issue to the staff.  From outside appearances, the only serious problem is the one Ramona seems to have with drinking.Both parties were impressive and very different.  Avery went with an all white wedding reception feel, and Victoria went with a downtown clubby vibe.  Ramona admitted she spent more on this party than she has on any other – even on herself and Mario.  Despite the monster budget, Jill couldn’t procure a cocktail napkin, not even from the bartender.In comparing the two parties, Victoria’s seemed more fun (she for sure had the better dress).  Rather than leverage her daughter’s birthday for her own side fiesta, LuAnn left early to bang Jacques and allowed Victoria to finish the night with her friends.  Lest we forget when you’re 16, the great parties aren’t the expensive ones; they are the ones with the least amount of parental supervision.

RHNY: slowburn

Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs.  Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to finish up with his mistress arrive.  After an awkward greeting, Ramona shared the fortuneteller’s prediction about Mario’s philandering.  Here’s his face right after Ramona broke the news.  Does he betray any guilt on that smug mug?Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route.  Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation.  Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook.  Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….

Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco.  Sonja cut her out of every one!  “Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures.  And I’m going to own it 100%.”News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project.  Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?”  The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings.  Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research.  Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven.  The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line.  Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene.  How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?After the girdle summit, Alex met up with RamonaAlex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party.  Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed.  However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco.  Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass.  The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex.  Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery.  Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear.  Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.

RHNY: MEWY MEWY

Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day.  Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee.  At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally.  The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking.  This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.Unrelenting in their commitment to fame Marriage Equality, Alex and Simon first plead with Sonja to allow Simon to raise his rainbow at the podium.  When she ignored their pleas and turned her back, Alex hovered behind her whispering maliciously in her ear.  Kelly, the ambassador of crazy, turned and yelled, “We are embarrassing ourselves!” X four.  The awkwardly loud rebuke stunned the rest of the hen house into temporary silence.A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja?  Doubtful.  Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs.  Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two.  Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her.  Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day.  The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party.  It was some kind of S&M bondage thing.  I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.”  Bitch please.  No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.

RHNY: Smack Her Back

Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter.  Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.”  What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time.  On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy.  Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs.  Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne.  Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort.  I wish effort would smack her back.Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception.  First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source.  When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”Ramona terrorized interviewed potential assistants, and one after one the ladies wilted in her domineering, critical presence.  Rudemona went so far as to thrust her skincare product on one girl and inform her she didn’t need to be pretty – just pulled together.In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together.  Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory.  Both looked fug and so wrong.  They might as well have given the bride the finger.  Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of  a proper undergarment.  After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it.  Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation.  Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.”  Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her.  She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding.  It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls.  The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.

Rescue RHNYC

Reality stars pretty much follow the same pattern.  The first season of any show is always a little delightfully rough around the edges.  Cast members, lacking in self-awareness, most resemble their true selves (and in turn, the audience).  During this golden period of sincerity, humanity’s basest tendencies – envy, narcissism, and deceit – inevitability elbow their way into the spotlight.  This makes for excellent television.  See the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives franchises, first seasons of Project Runway, Flipping Out, Top Chef, The Real World, and many other series for prime examples.Once the first season airs and folks get plunged into a freezing cold tub of disembodied self-analysis, it forever obliterates the unguarded, pre-reality show personality.  Polished and molded by seasons of criticism, Alex and Simon now avoid overtly discussing their social climbing aspirations.  Are Alex and Simon even less genuine for having abandoned their original insincerity?By season three, staged dramatics, behind-the-scenes backstabbing, and spin-off angling is in full effect.  Nearly everyone succumbs to the self-important pseudo-celebrity syndrome.

Rumors swirl as to why the premiere of RHNYC has been delayed, but the only logical inference is that the footage lacked.  Bethenny alone didn’t make the show, but her burgeoning breakout stardom created legitimate jealous friction last season.  With Frankel spun out, Bravo should recast the entire show.  What about…. A newly engaged Dylan Lauren?  Designer Erin FetherstonPaulina Porizkova is probably available, and throw in Sherri Shepard for comic flavor.