Tag Archives: small talk

I suck at small talk: holiday party edition

OFFICEXMASUgh, I went to a holiday party tonight. It was work-related and therefore somewhat obligatory.  I’m really grateful to the woman who welcomed me into her home and makes me feel a valuable part of her business, so please don’t take the following rant as ingratitude.  I suck so much at small talk at these parties. What the fuck do you talk about?  I ask about the kids. I ask about work.  I ask about holiday plans.  I intently listen, but I never get comfortable.  I always feel ill at ease.  I know; this is why people drink.  I don’t drink and drive at all, and don’t drink at work functions, so no social lubricant for me.  I stayed just shy of 90 minutes.  I had probably 10 conversations, 3 of them meaty.  I’m pretty sure I offended someone in one of those conversations.  I was definitely awkward in another.  And in the last I had to do all the conversational heavy-lifting.  All three were tedious, and now I feel tired.  If I’m honest, the night peaked with delicious cheese and crackers and the M&M bowl.  Sidenote: Can we stop with the mini cupcakes?  They’re as dry and flavorless as my lame party chat.MINICUPCAKES

I Can’t Hear You Bitch

What’s with the quiet talkers?  Am I just listening to my music too loud, or are bitches basically whispering?  There’s a mediocre vegetarian restaurant nearby staffed by limp, greasy hipsters.  The tribe Deschanel waitresses speak in such hushed and dulcet tones you’d think they were confessing they’ve contracted the latest hipster herp and not taking a routine drink order in a packed restaurant.  I’m not fan of loud talkers.  I will actually urge my companions to keep it down in public if they get overly amped, but I also think this whispering trend is just another way of lessening oneself.  Would it kill a bitch to speak clearly and directly? Besides, making me respond “what?” to everything you say is tedious for us both.  Own your power and speak up bitch.  Dampening yourself to seem cool is pathetic and antiquated. 

The Most Annoying Question

I am not a fan of chitchat.  To paraphrase Bethenny Frankel (sorry), I don’t like small talk, I like big talk.  Perhaps the most annoying question – more annoying than “where are you from?” or “what do you do?” is – What kind of music do you listen to?I fucking loathe this question for a myriad of reasons.  First, when asked my mind inevitably goes blank, and all I can think of is Bob Marley.  This answer is almost as annoying as the question because who the fuck doesn’t like Bob MarleySecond, it’s a loaded fucking question.  The asker is really leveraging this question to bathe you in judgment.  For example, if you say indie, then you become Indie and all that it implies.  The most commonly tired-ass trite answer to this question is, “…anything but country.”  But for those hedgers, I have one word for you: Jolene.   If you go super obscure, you risk looking like a try-hard douche, and if you answer Maroon 5, then you are a douche. Third, the people who like to ask this grating question also like to follow it up with a pop-quiz.  Oh, you like techno, have you heard the new Trentemøller?  (Word of advice, if you must answer this dreadful question don’t ever answer with “techno” even if you fucking love techno).  Oh, you like The White Stripes, have you heard Jack White’s new solo album?  These questions just become an opportunity for the asker to act like an all-knowing asshole.  Asking someone’s music taste is a generic inquiry and answering it is rife with potential dignity issues.  Nobody really cares what kind of music anybody listens to anyway, so let’s all come up with some new thinly-veiled opportunity for judgment.