Tag Archives: smelly

Altoids Smalls

ALTOID SMALLSI come in close contact with at least 20-40 people everyday, and therefore I do my best to combat hot breath.  I prefer Altoids Smalls because they do not contain gelatin.  Diminutive yet powerful, I can discreetly pop a mini-mint and still carry on a conversation unobstructed.  For high-quality kissing, consider these a pre-smooch ritual.    ALTOIDS SMALL VARIETIESsmooch

4 for Friday: shred. smelly. zarinostalgia. porch

SHREDDINGSDespite the fact I possess a doctorate degree, why is it physically impossible for me to empty a shredder without getting shreddings EVERYWHERE?  Every single time.  NO FARTHave you ever farted in your car, exited the car, and come back several hours later to find the fart is still waiting for you?RHNY S1I’m living for old reruns of the RHNY right now.  Those early days were truly the glory years of the franchise – when the most calculated move was renting a yellow Ferrari for summer in the Hamptons. JILL ZARINSometimes when my trash smells rank but the bag isn’t full, I put it on the porch and freeze it overnight.  When I bring it back in, it doesn’t smell anymore. FREEZER FRESH

 

five fart facts

I LOVE TO FART

At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.

STINKY TOOTS

Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots.  Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance.  Others believe it’s a genetic quirk.  I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. YOGA FARTThe bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.FART BREATH

The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze.  Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.EGGS AND MEAT

The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. LONGER LARGER FART

fuck cats

Cat lovers scroll on through.  I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.)  Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask?  Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?I know, I know, you love your cat.  Your cat does for you what no person could.  I get it.  Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell?  Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment?  In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm.  Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen.  Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends.  I don’t eat or wear them.  But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons.  Do I really hate cats?  No.  Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners?  Fuck yes.  And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT.  Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn?  How about that?  Fucking gross yo.