At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.
Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots. Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance. Others believe it’s a genetic quirk. I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. 
The bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.
The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze. Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.
The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. 
Cat lovers scroll on through. I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.) Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask? Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?
I know, I know, you love your cat. Your cat does for you what no person could. I get it. Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell? Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment? 
In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm. Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen. Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. 
As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends. I don’t eat or wear them. But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons. Do I really hate cats? No. Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners? Fuck yes. 
And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT. Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn? How about that? Fucking gross yo.