LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by Bravo. Sonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives. In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.
“It’s like going to Paris. I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.” (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)
“I’m a little concerned. It’s a third world country. They don’t respect women. I love my family. I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.” Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.
Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup. The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her. This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.
Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal? The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse. Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle Accessories. Bensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.
The cliques split for two totally different spa trips. Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn. To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival. Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.
The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”
While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office. Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” 
Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. 
Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted. Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.
Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things. Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right? The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at Meister. Ramona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.” It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.
Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking. During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for herself the table. When Jill went to investigate the ruckus, Ramona slurred another character-consistent misspeak by describing Jill’s stepdaughter as “deformed.” Minutes later she snapped at the designer’s daughter to clear empty glasses before Alex scurried over in damage control mode.
Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.
Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products. Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.
The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.
A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade Ball. LuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.
We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy. He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?
Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig. Mayjah fucking wig.
The Cuntess called off sick. She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.
The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.
Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek. Lady Morgan likes a spanking!
At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino. She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season. Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G. She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.
When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations. Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive. The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.
On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes. With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.
When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..” Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem. As if we all don’t already know that shit. We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity. As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. 
Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness
Sonja orchestrated a détente between Kelly and Ramona at Geisha where they both confessed to each other their mutual anxiety over the meeting. Kelly served up the same I’m-42-and-don’t-have-time-for-this speech, and Ramona responded with apologizing for texting under the spell of the vino.
Cindy joined Sonja for tea time at her townhome and read her to filth for telling Kelly about her reconciliation scheme and failing to provide Ramona’s precious Pinot Grigio in Quogue. Without mincing words, Sonja swiftly leveled Barshop with the following zinger:
Ramona hosted a jewelry pimping party where she served her namesake Pinot Grigio in Cougar Town-sized goblets. Despite her efforts to intoxicate the crowd, there wasn’t enough Pinot in Manhattan to trick anyone into thinking that hideous display was cute.
The Cuntess flexed her already well-toned condescension muscle by probing Ramona over the origins of her eponymous Pinot Grigio. Ramona butchered the pronunciation of Veneto, and the Cuntessa unsurprisingly relished in the opportunity to correct her. The Cuntess remarked that Ramona can drink all the Pinot Grigio in the world and it won’t make her a wine expert. Yeah, well fucking a wine distributor doesn’t exactly make you an expert either LuAnn.
A toaster oven feast awaited LuAnn and Kelly over in Sonja’s kitchen. Gathered around the island, the apparent irony of a high-end gourmet stove sitting cold and unused in the background went completely unnoticed by the three women.
Jill took her Yom Kippur spirit to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex over transgressions which accumulated between the two over the last year. Gifts in hand, Jill tried to break the ice with compliments, but ended up accidently dishing an unintentional insult instead. Alex listened to Jill’s mea culpa with guarded ear, but confessed later she still didn’t trust her because of hateful things Jill said about Simon and her boys. Specifically, Alex mentioned that Jill called Alex’s children animals. Animal or not, we can all agree there is something going on with Francois, non?
The meal ended early when the two hit an impasse. Ramona took a cue from the Cuntess and dished a side-order of condescension which caused Cindy to completely withdraw into her martini. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Ramona excused herself from the lunch, and the two parted with their relationship in shambles.
We met up with LuAnn and a teenage Victoria in the Hamptons. Victoria reassured the Countess that she was perfectly fine with the weekend mommy arrangement. LuAnn took her daughter’s permission to play Sex and the City with a sigh of relief. Big surprise a 15 year old doesn’t want her mom around. Internet scandal involving sweet little Victoria in 3…2…1…
Sonja joined Kelly in the Hamptons for a ride at the amazingly impeccable Wölffer Estate Stables. Kelly tried to show off, even though her riding skills aren’t particularly impressive. Kelly triggered Sonja’s competitive streak, emboldening her to try and match Kelly canter for canter. Her over-confidence resulted in a humbling ass-first dismount into a pile of horseshit.
LuAnn, Sonja, and Barshop debated the merits of Quogue where Barshop planned a riding party of her own. In the course of the conversation, Sonja and LuAnn revealed that they didn’t receive evites to the event and a wave of panic swept Barshop’s face. Then Sonja made a jab about putting Completely Bare emails in her junk folder, and that pretty much set the hot wax on that relationship. Now how long until Barshop tears a strip of Sonja’s ass, or will it be the other way around?
One glass of Pinot Grigio later, Ramona mounted a sanctimonious high-horse of her own by making critical digs about LuAnn’s parenting style, calling her a “Weekend Mom.”
Barshop stirred the horseshit by pulling Kelly aside under the pretext of warning her not to bring her children to Sonja’s upcoming soiree. The whole exchange really made no sense because Ramona was there at LuAnn’s, would be at Quogue later, and therefore would have numerous opportunities to confront Kelly with or without Sonja’s meddling.
At the controversial Quogue party, Ramona demanded Pinot Grigio and a trusty mount immediately. She had something critical to say about everything from the food to her lack of autonomy while riding. After turning her nose up at every aspect of the party, Ramona pressed Kelly to talk about the stupid fight they are in that no one cares about. Kelly learned her lesson with Bethenny a couple seasons back and steadfastly rebuffed Ramona’s efforts to engage her.
Ramona joined the other ladies already seated around a table. Barshop stirred the shit again when she mentioned a brunch Kelly was hosting the next day from which Ramona was excluded. Rude people love to call other people rude, and Ramona couldn’t help but call Kelly out on the social faux pas.
Ramogre stomped around the party in search of a new victim when Howard, Cindy’s brother, caught her eye. She approached him and insisted that they have a conversation about the weird cigar moment at the wedding from earlier this season. Like Kelly, Howard also tried to deflect Ramona’s attempts at a confrontation by pointing out that his elderly father was sitting at the table behind them. Howard politely refused several times and eventually just straight up turned his back and ignored her. Barshop noticed the scene and stepped in to pull Ramona away.
The convoluted cigar conflict is still incomprehensible. The whole thing started with Ramona owing an apology and now she’s demanding one? Is it clear to anyone why she is so upset?
All this horseshit makes me actually miss Jill. Thankfully, she returns next week.
Alex invited Sonja to a damage-control lunch to smooth over the embarrassing squabble. The motivation for the meal comes not from Alex’s interest in repairing the relationship, but instead in the realistic fear that the rift with Morgan might jeopardize her camera time this season.
After quickly reaching an impasse, the two buttah blondes agreed to drop the tiff – which of course means we’ll be hearing about this petty shit for the next eight weeks. 
The French Fonz threw a wine and cheese party. He provided the wine, and LuAnn provided the cheese – specifically by making obvious and gag-inducing double entendres about spitting and swallowing. The highbrow speed dating was as awkward and boring as it has been in the hundred other reality shows where the gimmick has been featured.
Simon threw Alex an unpretentious picnic birthday party on Gov Island. The early October wind whipped guests and the masses huddled around a sad little plate of pigs in a blanket. Barshop and Bensimon arrived with their kids, surveyed the scene, and quickly retreated back to Manhattan.
David Meister invited Ramona to walk the runway, and LuAnn, Sonja, Alex, and Simon came to 
In an effort to kick-start her middle-aged modeling career, Alex participated in a portfolio-building photo shoot with Mark Veltman. Alex labors under the delusion that she’s going to supplement her “consulting” income by making bank as a model.
At her core, Alex is such a fucking try-hard dork. The woman has absolutely no swagger. Even though the hair and makeup team turned her out, she couldn’t make the editorial Bride of Frankenstein look werk.
Lacking the same self-shame chromosome as Ramona, Alex tried to rock her photo shoot hair to the event later that evening. A couple of hours prior, the hair was mayjah, and with the right attitude and outfit, I’m all for serving a little avante garde at the party. However, Alex lacked the confidence and sophistication to successfully take the look from editorial to cocktail.
When Cohen delayed the season, he promised it wasn’t due to lack of drama. Instead he claimed the show would benefit from breathing room between filming and airing. Now three episodes deep, the fourth go-round feels cobbled together and disconnected. Don’t get it twisted Bravo, Showtime’s got Cock Cages, so you best step it up.
Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day. Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.
Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee. At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally. The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.
Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking. This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.
Unrelenting in their commitment to 
A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja? Doubtful. Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs. Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two. Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.
Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her. 
Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day. The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.
The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party. It was some kind of S&M bondage thing. I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”
On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.
Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.” Bitch please. No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.
Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion. I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. 
Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV. Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. 
In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass. Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show. Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut. Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier. The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.
Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch. Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges. Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show. While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. 
Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season. Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like: 
The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled). We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired. Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. 
Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on. She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny. I’m intrigued. More information please. 
Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.” Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.” Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.” Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.” I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show. You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. 
The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John. Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems. With that, Kelly walked off the stage….-
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