Tag Archives: Sophia Loren

Sunday With Jayne Mansfield

9 reasons to skip Nine

While Nine has a few pretty gowns and sleek convertibles, something is definitely off in the styling.  It never quite comes together to create a convincing authentic period feel.  There is no reason this movie needed to be redone as a period piece (or redone at all).  It takes a particular type of hubris to update a Fellini.This movie takes a long time to get off the ground, and the midtempo numbers don’t do much to pick up the energy.Penélope Cruz plays the poor man’s Dita Von Teese.  While her singing isn’t bad; she never truly inhabits the role.While you might expect Fergie to serve one of the best numbers in the film, she growls her way through her song with a really terrible fake Italian accent.  The wardrobe and makeup department did her a major disservice aging her at least ten years.Marion Cotillard didn’t make me gag, but she’s stuck playing the thankless wife.  She has a couple of numbers, but none of her songs are catchy.  In fact, not a single song in this whole movie is catchy.

Kate Hudson doesn’t try to fake an Italian accent and that is a good thing.  She plays an American fashionista and adds a little jussh.  Kate’s dancing is the most believable, but really how big a boner should we get over a song about Italian cinema?  The white tights were a mistake.  White tights are always a mistake.  Also, sidenote: super fucking pissed she resigned from the itty bitty titty committee and allegedly got a boob job.Nicole Kidman surfaces totally waxy and immobile playing the movie star.  Remember, the neck never lies.  When she’s straining to hit the high notes you see every one of those years in her neck proving that freezing your face is an exercise in futility.  Nine is long and rather boring.  It is easy to resent the amount of talent wasted here.In the age of rampant mid-life crisis infidelity, Guido as played by Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a particularly sympathetic, sexy, or interesting character as he bed-hops from woman to woman acting out his modern day Oedipus complex.