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January 2015 Horoscopes

Capricorn

CAPRICORNHappy Birthday Capricorn!  The New Year has you interested in wellness and self-care.  Clean up the eat-out-of-convenience diet and break a dripping sweat.  Focusing on yourself can be challenging for you Cap, but you’ll benefit greatly from some much needed attention.  The planets provide extra support to keep with routines and new habits.  Most Capricorns are financially solvent because you work hard and sparingly spend, but January brings on a craving for luxury that you just can’t ignore.  Splurge kid.  You deserve a fatty birthday treat.  Unfortch, we’ll all feel the effects of Mercury’s retrograde after the 21st, so if you want to take a trip or sign important documents get it done before the perilous backspin.  For Capricorn, Saturn forces closure in situations left undone; there’s no avoiding a few difficult conversations.

Aquarius

AQUARIUSAquarius starts off the year in conflict feeling like hitting the town and tucking into bed for a snooze.  Competing energies face-off, to which will you succumb?  Set intentions under the full moon in Aquarius on the 20th.  Then wait out the identity crisis that comes with Mercury’s retrograde scheduled to commence on the 21st.  You may feel a sudden rush to drastically alter your appearance and this would not be an appropriate time for that Aquarius.  Retrograde haircuts are not a good look.  Saturn demands a reworking of your less balanced friendships.  A few of those low-hangers could go.

Pisces

PISCESPisces enjoys spending the first few days of the year snugged in close to home nurturing family and friends.  The 4th is a great day for bold proclamations or risk-taking; luck’s in your favor.  Keep social engagements spiritually bent and constructive.  With a cluster of planets luring you into your astrological bedroom, all you really want to do is sleep.  Turn everything off and hibernate, Pisces; it’s that time of year.  If you want to catch up on sleep at your favorite seaside resort, do so before Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st.

AriesARIES

Aries confronts 2015 with confidence and security which can only come from spending time with a reliable group of friends.  Social obligations extend well past the holidays.  These gatherings offer opportunities to strengthen connections and expand your social circle.  Mercury goes retrograde the 21st, so get any contracts signed, travel completed, and upgrade technology before the backspin commences.  Use Saturn’s influence to structure your education and travel plans over the next few years.  The planet’s task-masker energy aids in achieving your long-term ambitions.

TaurusTAURUS

January’s particularly fortuitous for you Taurus, so gamble with an aim towards expansion.  If you need to get outta town for self-improvement moment, get it done before the 21st when Mercury turns retrograde.  The career momentum you picked up in December continues to build towards your long-term goals through January.  Spend time with the important men in your life especially the one with whom you have a simmering unresolved conflict.  Saturn forces Taurus to restructure shared finances.  Bulls tend to over-give, so politely demand a restoration of balance when it comes to the household expenses and chores.

Gemini

GEMINIGemini would rather ring the New Year in with a snooze than booze this year.  You are ready to let go of the pain and regrets of the past and start the year with a healing trajectory.  Relief comes in the form of a cluster of activity in your house of adventure, travel, and education.  Where do you want to go and what do you want to learn?  The status quo isn’t inspiring you to attack each day as if it were your last.  Grab life by the balls in January, Gemini.  Around January 20th, two different energies enter the scene.  Aquarius provides a blessing of luck in the face of risk, but Mercury’s retrograde can court you into a two steps forward three steps back style fox trot.

Cancer

CANCERIn January, the full moon illuminates your house of identity which gives you the added power to assert your needs, Cancer.  January presents opportunities for merging which test Cancer’s capacity for sharing.  As the money starts to flow in there are chances to commingle and invest, but a move in this direction requires you come fully clean about all your past financial messiness.  Don’t lie about money.  Mercury spins retrograde on the 21st, so get any important paperwork, transactions, or deals signed, sealed, and delivered before then to spare yourself the trials of this tricky influence.  Others, acting out of frustration, may attack you and trigger a fight.  Chalk it up to the weird energy of the retrograde and forgive easily and quickly.

Leo

LEOOh Leo, you are such a warm and welcoming spirit for the New Year.  December required a great deal from you, and January provides a great time to connect with friends and family one-on-one without all the expectations of the holidays. With regard to your lovah, it might be time to say later.  You aren’t feeling needy folks in 2015.  Devote all that extra time you have in the vacancy of your relationship to major self-improvement.  Leo benefits from professional help, especially in areas that require a great deal of self-discipline.  Get it right and get it tight, Leo, because 2015 has all the energetic ingredients for a possible engagement.  Execute in the areas of contracts, travel, and technology before Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st.

Virgo

VIRGOVirgo kicks off 2015 with ambition!  What do you want to achieve this year?  Already a professional powerhouse in your daily grind, how can you elevate above and beyond your current station?  You are capable of even more, so place no restrictions on the largess of your dreams.  Virgos feel particularly passionate, potent, and expressive the first three weeks of January.  This is an exceptional time to engage in any artistic pursuits.  Create something beautiful for someone you love.  Clear the air of any conflict on the 4th and celebrate the peace-making with a festive evening.  Your health and well-being require your attention in January.  Curb the overindulgence.

Libra

LIBRAThis January Libra’s humming Lykke Li’s There’s a Possibility.  With an optimistic spirit, you look forward to all the opportunity for adventure and new challenge in 2015.  The first three weeks make a wonderful time for hosting, domesticity, and nourishing family and friends in your home.  The 4th brings clarity to a professional situation.  Are you moving up or moving out?  Take responsibility for your own behavior and decisions.  Libra continues to keep it sexy through the first half of January.  What makes you so desirable now is your ability to express your emotions without restraint.  If you have your eye on someone, initiate now.  The 21st brings Mercury’s retrograde, so back up your phone and computer should bad tech mojo come your way.

Scorpio

SCORPIOScorpio welcomed the New Year with a round of applause from a crowd of adoring fans, but all that adulation doesn’t really quench your thirst for a meaningful and deeply connected relationship.  You require total devotion from your tribe and some shaky relationships may not survive the higher level of relationship scrutiny you roll out in 2015.  Saturn finally orbited out of Scorpio and not a moment too soon.  You’ve had enough tough life lessons in the last two years, but the challenging times taught you much in the way of self-sufficiency.  Saturn moves on to Sagittarius where it will continue to influence your career in a number of positive ways.

Sagittarius

SAGSaturn entered your sign at the end of last month, Sag, and the planet of structure and discipline has quite the agenda for you over the next few years.  There are no shortcuts.  Several planets cluster in your communication sector making you chatty, chatty, chatty.  This urge to verbally purge can work for or against you depending on your ability to self-edit.  Needless to say, there’s a risk for Sag’s thoughtless blabbing to cause serious damage to relationships.  Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st which can cause further friction in your important relationships.  Take a breath before reacting harshly.  Rely on your partner for support when frustrated.

August 2014 Horoscopes

LeoLEO

Happy Birthday Leo!  You like to pretend you don’t like a fuss Leo, but that’s just because you know darn well everyone always makes a fuss for you on your birthday.  Welcome change by altering your look without falling prey to rampant materialism.  Mars-Saturn energy can be used for good or evil.  At worst this combo evokes jealousy, stubbornness, and revenge, but those qualities are not characteristic of you, so instead use the influence as a moral barometer.  In August, if situations feel even a little hinky take the ethical high ground.  Usually a good communicator, you are even better in August, so speak your truth and have “the talk.”  Fertile with creativity, channel your talent into producing tangible beauty.  Surely you already feel Jupiter’s invigorating influence in Leo urging you to fuck and travel, not necessarily in that order.  Mid-August, turn down the covers for Venus as she enters your bedroom, Leo.  Have your sexy fun.  Then pull it together and clean yourself up after the 23rd.

VirgoVIRGO

Astrologically speaking Virgo, the weeks before your birthday are a wise time to quietly regroup for the coming year.  A dietary cleanse, house purge, and visit to the doctor for an annual physical are good places to start.  While experiencing lagging energy, some of your regular routines fall by the way side.  It may feel like you are active because of the demands on your time, but when is the last occasion you actually broke a sweat (unrelated to anxiety)?  You can’t afford to waste energy worrying.  August offers a respite and opportunity to turn inward.  Within this period of soul searching, Virgo may experience some feelings of disappointment, depression, and isolation which should dissipate after the 23rd.  Timing plays a pivotal role in your success this month.

LibraLIBRA

Financial concerns preoccupy your mind through most of the August, Libra.  Partnered Libras must work through these money worries with your mate which could stir domestic discord when sacrifices must be made for the benefit of the budget.  Professionally, Libra wants to work with and for people you admire and trust.  Your little work family means more than you realize.  Value them accordingly because this is a big year for collaborating in groups.  When you are in the trenches, you want someone to have your back.  August presents a number of chances for fun and random encounters.  Libras looking to spark with another should make themselves available at such gatherings (especially August 10th).  Enjoy yourself; just don’t get too wasted.

Scorpio

SCORPIO

Scorpio benefits from an amazing career boosting configuration in August.  Jupiter provides a steady positive influence until this time next year.  Add the glow of the Sun, the popularity and collaboration of Venus, and Mercury’s clarity of communication and you have all the makings for a professionally unstoppable Scorpio.  Strive for excellence to make the most of this power.  While happy to hear that your prestige and earnings are on the upswing, Scorpios long for love.  Family and friends supply the emotional nourishment you need this month.  Look to a strong woman for support.  Scorpio’s health and wellness are vulnerable now, so take quality care of yourself in August.

SagittariusSAG

Sags, your theme in August is distance which manifests in travel, receiving guests, or news from afar.  Take that last minute trip you are itching for.  If geographically bound to home, make an internet friend from the other side of the world.  Sags have a hankering for foreign culture this summer.  August 10th brings long awaited news.  When the going gets tough, love lubricates the difficult moments.  Partnered Sags connect through a deep sense of gratitude.  Over the next year, Jupiter will influence your desire to pursue specialized education.  Practice and study to achieve true mastery.  The areas of concern this month are money and health.  August serves up financial peril – at best delays, at worst substantial loss.  Care for yourself properly and minimize unnecessary risks.

Capricorn

CAP

Venus waltzes in to romance Capricorn and make you especially lucky in love, but watch out because the Sun is in Leo your house of extremes.  The upside to this influence is that it leaves you pliant, easy-going, warm, sexual, and snuggly.  The downside is that emotionally you will feel embarrassingly needy, uncomfortable, and pathetic.  Finances look favorable.  An unexpected investment opportunity may spring forth from the romantic relationship you’re cultivating.  For Cap, money and love make comfortable bedfellows.  Collaboration creates cash flow in August.  Just be judicious with whom you invest with when it comes to friends.  To remain healthy, spend your free time fucking or sleeping instead of fussing and fretting.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Relationships play a central theme for Aquarius over the next year with Jupiter’s influence.  The Sun and Mercury enter the scene to add magnetic glow and support clear communication.  Seek relationships based on reciprocity and balance.  With this three-way energetic influence no one can resist your charm.  A full schedule keeps boredom at bay, but when you get worn out you also get combative, bitchy, and intolerable.  Know when to say no.  August isn’t the time to burn bridges with prosperous contacts because you’re in a bad mood.  Sleep soundly.  Drink less booze.  Eat better.  Spend devoted time with members of your family who nourish, fortify, and love you.

PiscesPISCES

Love, sex, and lust, these are the prominent themes for Pisces this August. With this energy comes risk for a certain degree of naughtiness.  The least prudent among you may commence an illicit affair or engage in other ill-advised risky sexual behavior.  Practical partnered Pisces pour this energy into strengthening the dynamic duo.  Eventually, the tingle in your pants dissipates enough for you to begin to think clearly again.  August offers opportunities for you to make the highest and best use of your talents.  You can relax because you are competent and have a genuine camaraderie with coworkers.  Book beauty and therapy appointments for very favorable results in August.

Aries

ARIES

August has all the makings for a damn good month, Aries.  The atmosphere is ripe for love.  You look good.  You feel good, and you are ready to take chances.  The Sun, Mercury, and Venus play matchmakers.  People enjoy your charisma and want to make friends.  Open up to the idea of expanding your social circle.  Ambition amps your attitude towards work.  Clear professional objectives literally pay off; initiate mass organization on the 23rd.  Avoid financing and just pay cash.  Resist day-trading or other speculative financial dealings this month.  Push yourself to get sweaty, go beyond working out in the gym and get outside.  Wear a helmet to remain safe during accident-prone August.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus adopts a stubborn and detrimental stance in relationships in August.  Already unyielding, this influence adds a layer of irrationality that only a hard-headed Bull would entertain.  You’ll find yourself in sticky situations personally and professionally.  Committed Bulls have the added pressure of working through the struggle with your partner.  The discord provides a meaningful test for your relationship.  If you can get through this without tearing each other apart then there’s substance there worth retaining.  Single Bulls should stay that way, as your shitty attitude will spoil the nascent stirrings of love.  August is a favorable time to add to your real estate holdings, so spend the month torturing your real estate agent.

Gemini

GEMINI

Connecting through communication is your theme for August, Gemini.  Hearing the right phrase at the right time, a sense of intellectual collaboration, these are the moments that bring you closer to others this month.  When you find someone that sees the world as you do, it sparks your passion and a number of intense, bonding conversations will follow.  Travel may be on the calendar, but even Geminis remaining close to home will have a packed schedule.  This month, Gemini encounters challenging problems which can leave you in a state of overwhelmed paralysis.  Use humor to get you through the roughest patches.  You are strong enough and smart enough to ultimately persevere.

Cancer

CANCER

Cancer craves stability and security in August.  Practical matters like budgets and organizing your daily routine dominate.  With Jupiter influencing your pocketbook, you can look forward to a full year of solid income.  When some Crabs get their claws on more cash, they spend, spend, spend.  No. No. No.  Line your shell with savings.  Order the small.  Do not take a dessert to go.  Emotionally tender, your closest moments will happen with a loved one near the 10th.  Failure to make your health a priority will result in disastrous consequences.  Keep your body moving and force yourself to break a sweat.  Generally speaking, discipline isn’t your strength, but it’s time to start flexing that muscle.

Let’s Go Swimming

Happy Labor Day.  For those of you headed to the pool, just remember…

17% of adults admit to peeing in the pool, including Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps.

Earlier this summer, a dead woman floated around in a pool in Massachusetts for two days before anybody bothered to fish her out.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention notes the most commonly reported recreational water illness is diarrhea, which can be caused by germs such as Cryptosporidium, Giardia, Shigella, norovirus and E. coli.  These bugs contaminate the water through trace amounts of fecal matter that cling to people’s bodies.

Have a great holiday dirty sluts. 

Scientology: Abuse At The Top

Amy Scobee, OT VII, spent 25 years in the top ranks of Scientology.  In 2005, she left the church and wrote a tell-all about her experience called Scientology: Abuse at the Top, which came out earlier this year.  (In an attempt to avoid the wrath of Xenu, please consider the following gossip of unconfirmed veracity.)According to Scobee, naughty staff were sent to clean a self-descriptive place called “rats alley.”  Other punishments included chipping rust off old boilers in a basement, and keeping guard outside a room where a fellow Scientologist was kept isolated because “she’d gone crazy.”Grueling hours and ritual sleep deprivation resulted in one guy cutting his finger off with a table saw, another cutting open his leg with an angle grinder, and another woman falling off 20 foot scaffolding and shattering her pelvis. During her lengthy service, Scobee met all the big dawgs: Travolta, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, Anne Archer, Nancy Cartwright, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis, Isaac Hayes, and Jenna ElfmanScobee said both Jenna and Tom wanted to join Sea OrgScobee bragged she talked Jenna out of joining and advised her to pursue acting instead.  Scobee got into some hot water by alleging Cruise was ineligible because of his history of recreational drug use (an allegation Cruise’s attorney denies).  Apparently, LRH was very touchy about LSD.As an antidote to all that drug use, the Scientologists sure are fond of niacin.  Scobee reported she took 5000 milligrams a day for months during a “detoxification program.”

On the gays: Scobee describes the Church of Scientology as “homophobic.”  Within the church, homosexuals are reportedly considered “aberrations in need of handling.”

Scobee allegedly overheard David Miscavige and other officials giggling like school girls over the auditing transcripts of (what is implied to be) Lisa Marie Presley (described as a female celebrity connected with Michael Jackson).  According to Scobee, many of auditing rooms were reportedly equipped with cameras and microphones for recording.  Will leaked audits be the new celebrity sex tape?

Daria

After a long delay due to music rights disputes, Daria is now available on DVD (albeit minus most of the original music).

The eight disc set includes both Daria movies, Is it Fall Yet? and Is it College Yet?, in addition to the black and white pilot.

Daria’s one of the driest, sharpest shows ever (animated or not).  It serves as a well-written intelligent counterpoint to South Park’s relentless misogyny.  Plus, I still kind of have a boner for Trent.

Excuse me, I have a very important meeting with the fashion club.