Tag Archives: stupid

FB = cutesy cat poster

FB FINGEROk, so hell hath frozen over or whatever because my social media coordinator forced me to get a Facebook page.  I have staunchly avoided having a FB page.  I’ve always considered FB invasive, time-wasting, mundane, and stupid.  Gsus, was I right or was I right?   This is what you guys have been doing this whole time on the interwebs? Back in the 80’s everyone had these nauseatingly cutesy cat posters like these….HANG IN THERE OH SHITFacebook is the modern intellectual equivalent of staring at these fucking cat posters all day.  Do you think anyone gives a fuck?  I do not give a fuck about your upbeat life quote staged against a sunset.  Fucking gross, yo.  Of course, I care what is really happening with people, but none of that seems to be on FB.   (And KB, if you’re reading, this is not a dig at your Moshi post.  Moshi is allowed.)  And as an aside, what is this “poking” shit?  Poking is aggressive. KITTEN BURGER

Honestly, I’m just there to shill.  My professional FB page will never contain personal content.  From a business building standpoint, I understand why my social media coordinator forced me to launch with a three-prong approach (website, FB, IG), but now that I’m actually on the book of faces, it’s even more inane then I originally thought.  I will begrudgingly participate because it is required, but deep down you know the truth: I hate you, Facebook, and we’re not friends.   FB FACES

Bethenny’s dumbass relationship book

I SUCKAs you already know, Bethenny’s got a new book out called I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After.  Let me ask you this, would you trust a cookbook written by someone who can’t cook?  No?  Well  then don’t bother with this overindulgent mess of a relationship advice book.  Bethenny has no business giving advice on the topic of relationships.  She’s destroyed or failed to maintain virtually every relationship in her life – parents, friends, and lovers.  It’s not like she’s been through it and come out the other side healthy and healed.  Bethenny’s still duking it out in court with her opportunist of a soon-to-be ex-husband.  Most of the advice isn’t bad per se, it’s just self-evident and obvious.  Examples include: make your own money; listen to your gut; and don’t waste time on relationships that are going nowhere.  No shit, Skinnygirl.BETHENNY BLUEI wish she would have written on topics on which she is more qualified to pontificate.  I’d rather read How to Bust Balls and Not Give a Shit, or Enjoy Your Wealth without Longing for a Man.BETHENNY RING ON ITGet yourself an accommodating cabana boy and quit your boofuckinghooing, Frankel.FRANKEL CABANA BOY

Furthermore, It’s Not Right When…

MAD HUH…After 6 weeks of dating (including sleepovers), he still hasn’t taken down his OkCupid profile.  OKCUPID DOUCHE…He actually accepts the money you offer him for a lunch he begged you for even though he makes 3x your annual salary. CHEAP ASSHOLE…He tells you he likes you; that he’s starting to get attached; that this could get serious; and then informs you he’s planning a month-long trip to Europe with his ex’s best friend.

SERIOUSLY TRY…He’s 30 years older than you.  YOU’RE DELUSIONAL OLD MAN. Celebrities At The Kentucky Derby

 

I Know It’s Not Right When…

SODA SHOP DATEHe has to google words I use in text messages.  You don’t know what auspicious means?

Auspicious: showing or suggesting that future success is likely.

He spends three dates talking exclusively about himself and then says “I can’t wait to learn everything about you.”BAD DATE CARTOON

I hate his shoes.hermes brown suedeHe cares more about being perceived as cool than he does about my feelings.ONJ AND JOHN TRAVOLTA GREASE

KELLY LE BROCKMy Kelly LeBrock and James Spader references sailed over his thinning hair.JAMES SPADER MANNEQUIN

 

“Stolen”

KEYS IGNITIONI ran into my friend and mentioned I hadn’t seen her in awhile.  She told me her car was stolen which curtailed her recent mobility.  After providing the obligatory and sincere “that sucks!”,  I started fishing for details.  Newish cars aren’t that easy to steal.  With a little tender probing, she confessed she left her unlocked car running with the keys in the ignition in front of her house.  Let’s put some air quotes around “stolen” girl.  IGNITITION

 

Enough with the Bucket List

BERRY PICKER VAILI spent the weekend in Vail with some friends.  For the most part, we had a super fun time hiking, eating, drinking, puffing, and flirting with the Tough Mudder graduates.  TOUGH MUDDERIt was a chatty group.  One member of the gang in particular was hooked on the phrase “bucket list.”  Whenever we saw or discussed anything half-way interesting she dorkily declared, “That’s on my bucket list!”  THE BUCKET LISTEach time she repeated the overused cliché I wanted to burst into flames.  First, that geriatric-flavored movie came out nearly 7 years ago.  Second, what is the compulsive need to reference death?  Death is really a downer on girls weekend.  Third, when you say you want to do something, it automatically implies you want to do it before you die.  Presumably we can only do things when we are alive, right?  So do we need to constantly explicate that we want to do things before we die?  Obviously, you want to do whatever it is before you die or you wouldn’t be able to do it, so save me the trite tautology.  FUCKET LISTBecause it is a stupid bummer of an expression, can we please collectively agree to a moratorium on the bucket listBUCKET LIST FOR UNDERACHIEVERS

Farrah’s Fucktape

How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal?  In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all.  Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.”  This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures.  Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother.  G-Sus.  I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut.  I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam.  Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.

Things I do that make no sense

I spend more on superfluousness in order to get free shipping. I turn my car stereo up so loud that I can’t hear my radar detector. 

I occasionally engage in road rage after yoga class.

Things I do that make no sense

I add an extra bucket of water to my high efficiency washer because I don’t think it fills up enough. 

I hover over any and all public toilet seats and even some of my friends’ toilet seats.  I wash down supplements with Diet Coke