Tag Archives: Team Zoe

Rachel Zoe’s Boring and Obvious Coachella Picks

Rachel Zoe’s annual Coachella recommendation list came out a couple days ago.  I actually wanted to post on this yesterday, but would it surprise you to learn the link wasn’t working?  Get it together Team Zoe.  Some of her choices are decent and others downright daft.  Let’s discuss.  I saw these Loeffler Randal sandals on Shopbop and thought to myself, “those look like something Rachel Zoe would recommend for Coachella.”  The $175 pair are ugly-cute, but in reality I don’t think these are going to work on most feet.  By the way, the worst idea ever is wearing a brand new pair of shoes to a show.  For heaven’s sake, break those babies in before you stand outside in a field all day.  Comfort is queen at CoachellaWho rushed right out to order this $450 Paul & Joe fringed poncho?  I love a good poncho, but this get-up looks hot and impractical for a day in the sun.  For evening, perhaps, but this print is truly heinous.  Furthermore, no man will find this fug sack attractive.  I know some of you are hoping to make a Coachella Chlamydia connection.  We discussed the short-shorts at Coachella before and of course Zoe had to go and encourage the trite trend.  Look, I understand that you’re dying to wear your perfectly destroyed cut-offs.  Feel free, as long as you have no visible cellulite and you keep your cooter covered.  No cottage cheese at Coachella.  I’m not being anti-fat, but child you know dairy turns in the sun.  Really Rachel?  These Top Shop boots make no sense for Coachella.  Actually, the steel toe might come in handy for negotiating the port-o-potty line.  I’m seriously racking my brain for one outfit that might work with these awkward booties.   Kevin Murphy created Color Bug for those who want bold, non-committal, one-day color.  Rub the color on for an ombré effect à la Abbey Lee.  Working a style like this in the confined environment of an editorial makes it look so easy.  Try this at Coachella and you’ll be wearing temporary color all over your Paul & Joe fringed tunic. 

 

why no zoe?

I apologize.  I watched the last two episodes several times and tried to muster any enthusiasm for this trite, tired-ass show, but I just can’t care.Don’t give a fuck about the self-created moving drama.  The world might literally end if Rachel and Rodger have to spend an extra night in the lap of luxury at the Montage.  Boofuckinghoo. Don’t give a fuck about what Anne Hathaway wore 8 months ago at the dullest Oscars ever. Everything else is pretty much Zoe pimping Zoe. Extra don’t give a fuck about watching femmy Rodger and his cheesy friends toast to a “masculine” child.  If you want a masculine child, don’t name him “Skyler.”Whereas in previous seasons Joey was sprinkled into episodes like a rare Lebanese spice, now the annoying fame-whore sucks the energy out of every scene.  He’s making me hate him.  Zoe’s whole limp dick team this season is so boring, whiny, and kiss-ass.Zoe is obviously exercising her EP muscle and editing out all the real drama because there have to be legit reasons why she can’t seem to keep a stylist for any length of time.  For most staffers, there is an awfully short shelf life at Team Zoe.  Nobody seems to leave on good terms, though the details of the departures are always nebulous.Mostly, I’m just super uninspired by her right now.  I’m over her derivative style and shallow, needy banter with her hired gay.  She’s obviously exhausted this season, and she’s worn me out too.

 

The Rachel Zoe Project: Raisin Womb

This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars.  She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet.  According to her, everyone looks good in white.  The truth is most people look like shit in white.  A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming.  Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular.  More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it.  As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option.  After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show.  Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time.  The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances.  On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.

Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel.  The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection).  The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator.  Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere.  Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”

Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek LamBrad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns).  Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the OscarsBrad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision.  His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job.  Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.

Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show.  The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping.  This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated.  Admit it, the collection was not hot.For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon.  Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.”  After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts.  Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs.  When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.”  When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong.  Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image.  First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star.  Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.

Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future.  Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking.  Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder.  Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door.  However, moments later in the car, the hair was down.  How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?

The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the OscarsRachel whined, “I hate no white.”  Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.Wrapping things up at Jessica McClintock Marchesa, Rachel fixated on a busy silver beaded dress with a huge bow on the shoulder.  Didn’t we learn anything from Charlize’s bow shoulder disaster from a few years back?  Even though the bow looked like a big ass parrot sitting on the model’s shoulder, Brad proclaimed the gown “the most coveted dress of the entire season.”  He stressed, “If it’s not worn by one of Rachel’s clients, Lord help me.”