Tag Archives: Teen Mom

And my new favorite child is….

FARRAH“How does Mommy look?”

SOPHIA

Preach Sophia!

Sunday with Mom

Farrah’s Fucktape

How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal?  In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all.  Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.”  This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures.  Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother.  G-Sus.  I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut.  I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam.  Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.

Listing with Craig

The invention of Craigslist has been both a blessing and a curse.  It’s convenient and easy, but also totally unregulated.  Here are five tips for success when using the free online classified.

1)      Describe the item accurately.  When listing an item on Craigslist include all relevant characteristics in your description.  Provide as much detail as possible.  Include the age and origin of the item if known.  Be honest about flaws or damage.2)      Provide recent photos.  As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words, so be sure to include several photos from different angles.  The photos should be recent and well lit.  Be sure to keep any personally identifying clues out of the background of the shot.  The more attractively you display the item, the more interest you will receive.3)      Price realistically.  It is Craigslist people, so don’t be thinking you are going to get retail value out of your item.  If you want to move the item, price it competitively while leaving yourself room to negotiate.  Be prepared to haggle, and don’t take it personally if folks offer you less.  Remember, you can always reject any unreasonable offer.4)      Don’t agree to sell an item on the phone or over email.  The item is not sold until you have cash in hand.  That touches on another important point: only accept cash.  You may feel obligated to accept a check, money order, or Paypal on big ticket items – Don’t.  The scammers will get you with fake cashier’s checks and all kinds of fraudulent bullshit.  Don’t risk it.  If folks want the item, they’ll figure out how to get the cash.  That isn’t your problem.  Ask naive Farrah from Teen Mom; she learned this lesson the hard way.5)      Don’t be a dumbass.  Always speak to the buyer over the phone first to get a feel for how they sound.  Use your intuition.  Whenever possible, meet the buyer away from your residence in a public place.  If you feel sketched, don’t risk it.  Better to be safe than dead.

Top Five Relationship Lessons as Taught to us by Reality Television

5)      Cheating ruins a relationship forever.  For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore.  If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run.  Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex.  Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.4)      The following advice applies to all relationships.  Look at what people do, not what they sayTori Spelling failed to apply this rule.  Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori.  However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character.  Now she’s surprised about relationship problems?  Actions determine character.  See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.3)      Please don’t EVER film your fucky times.  See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton.  While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”2)      Protect precious possessions from the vengefulJWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed.  Don’t be naïve.  Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.1)      Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension.  See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers.  Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues.  Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.

Smooches to all of you this Valentine’s DayMuah.

Catelynn and Tyler: The Anti-Adoption Adoption Poster Children

Last night’s Teen Mom finale was especially gut-wrenching as Tyler and Catelynn drove to West Virginia to see Carly, the daughter they gave up for adoption one year ago.Of all the diverse situations depicted on Teen Mom, Catelynn and Tyler’s experience is truly unique.  We’ve seen various angles on adoption before with Oprah uniting long lost parents with their adopted children, and movie-of-the-week scenes of tearful teen mothers reluctantly handing over their swaddled bundle to a stern nurse.  However, the risky decision to focus on Catelynn and Tyler’s feelings in the year following the adoption taps into something unspoken and bordering on taboo.

Adoption gets conveniently packaged as a selfless, responsible, and noble decision for ill-prepared parents to make.  Over the past season of Teen Mom, Catelynn and Tyler’s choice to put Carly up for adoption created serious inter-family conflict, feelings of vacillating regret, crippling emptiness, and deep depression for both.  Adoption is generally credited as a panacea for the accompanying ills of unintended pregnancy, but Catelynn and Tyler’s journey challenged this assumption since (despite giving up Carly), neither graduated high school on time.

At the heart-breaking picnic in the park, Catelynn learned Carly scrunches her nose just like she did when she was a baby, and Tyler and Carly share the same eyes and appetite.  There even seemed to be a primal recognition between Carly and her biological parents when each held her for the first time in a year.

In looking at the bleak circumstances of other Teen Mom spawn, Leah, Sophia, and Bentley, no doubt, Carly is growing up in a better place (if that can ever be said about West Virginia), but there was also something innately tragic about watching Tyler and Catelynn kiss their baby girl goodbye.

Catelynn and Tyler’s honesty about their deep sense of loss and longing for Carly has inadvertently cast them as the anti-adoption adoption poster children.Ultimately, the couple expressed a sense of peace over their choice, but anyone who tuned in this season knows it has been a long hard road to reach this place of acceptance.  Whether they realize it or not, Catelynn and Tyler have quietly revolutionized the adoption conversation by revealing that adoption isn’t always the neat and tidy solution it is painted to be.