Tag Archives: The Rachel Zoe Project

why no zoe?

I apologize.  I watched the last two episodes several times and tried to muster any enthusiasm for this trite, tired-ass show, but I just can’t care.Don’t give a fuck about the self-created moving drama.  The world might literally end if Rachel and Rodger have to spend an extra night in the lap of luxury at the Montage.  Boofuckinghoo. Don’t give a fuck about what Anne Hathaway wore 8 months ago at the dullest Oscars ever. Everything else is pretty much Zoe pimping Zoe. Extra don’t give a fuck about watching femmy Rodger and his cheesy friends toast to a “masculine” child.  If you want a masculine child, don’t name him “Skyler.”Whereas in previous seasons Joey was sprinkled into episodes like a rare Lebanese spice, now the annoying fame-whore sucks the energy out of every scene.  He’s making me hate him.  Zoe’s whole limp dick team this season is so boring, whiny, and kiss-ass.Zoe is obviously exercising her EP muscle and editing out all the real drama because there have to be legit reasons why she can’t seem to keep a stylist for any length of time.  For most staffers, there is an awfully short shelf life at Team Zoe.  Nobody seems to leave on good terms, though the details of the departures are always nebulous.Mostly, I’m just super uninspired by her right now.  I’m over her derivative style and shallow, needy banter with her hired gay.  She’s obviously exhausted this season, and she’s worn me out too.

 

The Rachel Zoe Project: Bitch gets paid for this shit?

Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival.  This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels.  For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental?  Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet?  Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives?  Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously.  All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment.  Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.

Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian.  Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters.  Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap.  The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day.  The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above.  They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom.  Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot.  Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections.  After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow.  It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah.  She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another.  It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.

The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever.  First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble.  Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit.  Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos.  Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown.  The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy.  A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day?  This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit?  What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Premiere Collection

We met up with Zoe who is 6 months pregnant but barely showing.  She apparently sustained her unborn child on Pellegrino and cranberry juice alone in an effort to maintain her sample size figure through her last trimester.Since we last saw her, Rachel’s expanded and divided her team into four divisions: RZ digital, styling, archive and design, and product development. Mandana’s the new VP of Rachel Zoe, Inc.  Like most of the RZ staff, Mandana’s underqualified for her position, but she aesthetically fulfills a role in Rachel’s editorial vision for the office.  An awkward kiss-ass, she literally lowered down to hug Rachel’s “peanut.”  Don’t ever. There’s always a last minute push at RZ.  Preparations for the launch of her first collection bogged down the office on this particular day.  Zoe invited editors, buyers, and other important fashion folk to view the collection before the rush of fashion week. Since Rachel can’t seem to keep a stylist for more than a year, she and Rodger conducted interviews to fill a nebulous position which basically boiled down to gay sidekick.  Jeremiah came at Mandana’s recommendation and is equally unqualified. It is fair to question the eye of someone who would wear that outfit to an interview at Rachel Zoe.  Although Jeremiah lacked credentials and experience, Rachel predictably adored him and couldn’t wait to add him to the team, despite Rodger’s well-founded hesitation.  During Jeremiah’s second interview, Rachel was wooed by his (not that clever) one-liners and hired him on the spot. In anticipation of his growing family, devoted wife Rodger went house hunting with Zoe’s personal assistant Marisa.  A very slick LA-ish real estate agent showed the two a vacant $20,000 a month, 7,000 square foot behemoth.  Rodger worried about furnishing the massive mansion and asked Marisa not to tell Rachel anything about the unattractive rental.  Later on, Marisa showed Rachel photos of the place and Zoe got a “witch vibe” and obsessed over renting the dated monstrosity.Working a tired Twilight look, Jeremiah showed up for his first day and didn’t even know how to use the steamer.  When Rachel showed up a short while later, she was pleased with the samples of her new collection.  Just as the episode closed, Jordan the fit model (as opposed to Jordan the stylist) arrived to display the line.  Want more RZ Collection coverage? Demeter Clarc included a few different seasons of Rachel Zoe’s offerings earlier this year, use the search feature below to catch up.

appreciate you

Gonna take a long rest after an epic road trip, but Rachel Zoe commentary is on the way, Trust. Thanks for your patience.

Rachel Zoe

Rachel Zoe rolled out her self-titled collection this season.  Some of you may be familiar with the little copycat scandal served up à la Teen Vogue.  In Rachel’s defense, every non-designer with a label does this – mines their own closet for inspiration (including Kate Moss).  Zoe’s rookie mistake was particularly conspicuous because she didn’t even bother to tweak her version. Truthfully, the entire collection looked eerily familiar.  Here’s a summary of Zoe’s take on suiting.This red suit was one of the stronger looks, but we’ve seen Valentino do this better.  What is Zoe bringing to the table that is new and fresh?  Really, we need another version of a white suit?  Master tailors offered up a hundred versions of the white suit over the past five seasons.  We’ve seen the white suit done better Rach, but thanks for playing. Rachel hopped on the one-shoulder, sequin train a few seasons too late.  This look is so tired, and for the most part so are the rest of her cocktail offerings.. This cape is pretty cute, but I don’t die for the color.  Her coat looks a lot like the one Gwen Stefani modeled during Zoe’s visit to the L.A.M.B. showroom last season. Can we let the fucking shorts go?  And Gwyneth, I’m talking to your ass too.  Grown-ass women have no business in shorts outside the gym or the beach, maybe even ever.  Please stop trying to make fashion shorts happen.  Enjoy Rachel Zoe’s take on the unwearable trend.  Having thoroughly considered the collection, all in all, I say Rachel No.

Finding Shawn’s D….

Shawn wrote asking about the “D” jackets Brad Goreski wore on The RZP this season.  Well Shawn, after some exhaustive research, I’ve got an answer for you.  I’m pretty damn sure Dsquared designed the jacket you desire.  As we all know, Brad hearts his Dsquared.  The white and black tuxedo bomber jacket he rocked in Milan looks like a variation on a theme Dean and Dan presented for S/S 2010.   I’m not sure who he had to blow to get it, because I couldn’t find a picture of that exact jacket anywhere else.

The version of the jacket Brad wears is sort of a combination of these two looks.

The Dream fancies it too.

There is even a version for the ladies.

Okay Shawn, I’m not sure if you are rolling in dough or what, but these puppies cost upwards of $1,000.  Also, since this is last season’s style, who knows if it is still available?  Honestly, I think you could create this look, DIY-style, for much less.  With such a trendy item, only you can decide if it is worth the investment. 

Varsity letter patches are widely available for under $20.  You can customize your letter (“S” for Shawn, holler), and they come in a wide variety of colors and sizes.  A vintage tux jacket shouldn’t be too hard to find.  You could turn this look out in no time, trust.

Keep the requests coming ya’ll.  Mama loves a challenge.

For Better or Worse: Early Fall Edition

For Better…

With Taylor gone, I feared The Rachel Zoe Project had lost its teeth.  With the addition of A-listers like Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway however, RZP fulfilled the behind-the-scene celebrity styling promise that in seasons past it had failed to keep.

Unlike the boring botoxed Beverly Hills bitches and the irrelevant social faux posers of D.C., the most recent season of the Real Housewives of New York City was a total game changer with Bethenny’s engagement, pregnancy, and friendship-ending feud with Jill, the aftermath of LuAnn’s divorce, and the endless entertaining mania provided by Kelly Bensimon

Mad Men somehow managed to improve upon perfection.  Season four was the best so far for the impeccably written, acted, and styled period drama.  The finale left a huge gaping hole in Sundays.

For Worse…

We’re seven episodes into a meandering kidnapping plot on Sons of Anarchy and it pales in comparison to last season’s tightly constructed story anchored by a brilliant Katey Sagal.  Get it together boys.  Though we all appreciated the stunt casting of Stephen King, you only have a few episodes left to salvage this season. Admit it, this once-brilliant show has been circling the drain for awhile.  At this point, it is beyond salvation.  Once the Botwin’s left the construct of suburbia, the show’s concept fell apart.  Where is Elizabeth PerkinsRomany Malco?  This show deserves double demerits for dropping some of its best cast — without explanation — along the way.   Schwartz and Savage are the poster children for squandered opportunity.  First with the O.C., and now with Gossip Girl, the overrated duo begin with a great concept and then proceed to completely mismanage its potential.  The first season of Gossip Girl sizzled; since then, it has gone from lukewarm to completely irrelevant.  At this point, Degrassi has more edge.

Au Revoir Brad

After succumbing to the crushing pressure of Style Director, word on the street is that Brad Goreski has resigned from Camp Zoe

The Rachel Zoe Project: Period. The End.

While Team Zoe prepared for a shoot for Love magazine, Brad and Jordan kvetched about the tireless devotion Rachel requires.  Apparently, Tayloritis is contagious.The shoot featured a Bardot-inspired Ginta Lapina, a breath of fashion fresh air and one of the baddest bitches on the scene.  Between Ginta Lapina and Jessica Stam (featured last season on the RZP at the V shoot), it is Team Ginta all the way.  For the record editors, we are all nauseous with Stam oversaturation.Brad and Jordan talked shit in the makeshift wardrobe room.  While Rachel lugged furs around the shoot, complaining about her ineffectual staff.After the shoot, it was all about prepping for the Met Ball, perhaps the single most mayjah night for fashion folks.  Typically, designers select a few starlets to wear their gowns and accompany them as part of their entourage.  For some inexplicable reason, Marc Jacobs invited Rachel to join his group.  Rachel also took credit for dressing Demi, Eva, Kate, and Anne.  More likely, designers sent a few choices to each of these actresses, and Zoe may have edited those options and accessorized the final look.At her fitting, Anne thanked Rachel and Brad for influencing her to embrace her inner fashion icon.  I’ll (begrudgingly) give credit where credit is due, and Zoe has been responsible for some of Hathaway’s most memorable moments on the red carpet.Zoe on Hathaway, “She’s like über-intellectual, and I’m über-not.”Later, the time came for Rachel to craft her own look for the Ball.  First, Rachel drowned in a gigantic Marc Jacobs.  After determining the dress failed to flatter her “70’s disco titty,” it was eliminated.  Next Rachel donned a strange, velvet, mustard, drapey, vintage gown that highlighted her bony sternum.Too bad she traded in the sliver geometric clutch for a tan day bag that downgraded the entire look.  While I appreciate Rachel’s yin for unexpected whimsy, this frock was Met Gala unworthy.  At an event of this magnitude, timeless glamour must trump quirk when finalizing a gown choice.  Admit it; this aberration treads uncomfortably close to shmatta territory.

Back in L.A., Rodger decided to attend Rachel’s lady doc appointment to discuss the possibility of having a child.  The very awkward and staged appointment ended with Rachel and Rodger fighting over Rachel getting a blood test that day.  Rachel refused, Rodger insisted, and the gyno nodded uncomfortably.Back at home, Rachel and Rodger continued to go round and round.  Rodger emphasized that biologically, time keeps ticking.  Career-obsessed Rachel informed him that nothing, including a baby, would curtail her megalomaniacal styling ambitions.Acknowledging that a refusal to spawn will cause “major marital problems,” Rachel swallowed her reproductive ambivalence and concluded, “We are meant to be parents and I wanna do it, not totally sure how yet, but we’re gonna be. Period. The end.”