After all the chatter over the weekend, Barbara had no choice but to address the rumored departures on The View. Right at the top of the show she delegated some schticky countdown to Joy before facing the camera head-on to tackle the speculation around Elisabeth. Barbara then emphatically stated, “We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave the show.” Check out the ladies’ faces; they look a little nervous and shifty do they not? Almost as if they are covering something up…
Curiously, Barbara immediately followed the declaration by saying, “Having said that to all of you, Bill and I have always said that when one of you makes the choice to leave that’s your choice and we will support your decision.” Reading between the lines, I deduce that Hasselbeck is leaving. They are just going to make it sound like it was Elisabeth’s idea so as to not alienate their heartland audience. I predict by the end of the season Elisabeth will make her own announcement of imminent departure. She’ll say she wants to spend more time with the kids or has another project lined up, but we’ll know the truth behind her exit. A move some are saying has more to do with Frank Langella being outed as the Chicken Pox vector than it does with her political beliefs, but I ain’t one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me. 
If you need more proof, just look at how that indicating bitch is clutching to Barbara for dear life.
Did anybody catch The View yesterday (Monday)? Barbara Walters returned to a fucking festival in her honor. In case you haven’t heard, Barbara Walters got the chicken pox a few weeks ago. (She doesn’t want to call it Shingles because you know the Shingles is something old people get and Barbara is so obviously young and vibrant and don’t you dare forget it.) Apparently the pox caused her to get woozy at the British Ambassador’s house where she passed out and hit her head on the marble floor. Barbara sustained a concussion, a condition she explained at length as if the majority of the audience had never heard of the rather common trauma. Her doctors, who she tediously thanked by name on air in multiple segments, told her to rest for several weeks to recover from the head injury. That’s where Barbara’s been. Because the world can’t spin if Barbara isn’t present and accounted for. 
The entire show dripped with sympathetic gestures towards Walters: flowers, insincere pre-taped tributes from network mates, and a standing ovation. They even had fucking Bloomberg on, as if anyone but the two of them enjoy the Bloomberg bit. Why do they keep doing that to Mario Cantone? A chicken pox number, really girl? 
Look I know I sound like an asshole (that’s why you’re reading right?) because she’s courting 84 years old, and I should respect my elders and shit. I appreciate your point, but do we really need to endure this relentless jubilant return because bitch took a few weeks off for the chicken pox? I suppose when a person has tread the Earth for that many years, she deserves a party every day. 
There is something so desperate and clingy about her vise-grip control over The View. Barbara exudes a palpable anxiety. As if she misses a day, they’ll retire her ass. Her condescending tone, botched intros, and shameless self-aggrandizing already make The View like an awkward visit to mean-Grandma’s house. Now add in a mild closed-head injury. Yeah, let that wash over you.
Cougar Town returned, but felt like a foregone canceled conclusion. Did you catch Courteney Cox on The View with Josh Hopkins earlier this week? She limply pimped Cougar Town’s return with the type of enthusiasm reserved for a funeral procession. Poor optimistic Josh carried on charming Grandma Walters and her wicked chickens as if it mattered. 
In a reality rewind, I’m getting ready to have laser corrected vision surgery which got me in the mood to watch Jessica and Nick on the Newlyweds. Remember the episode when Jessica and Casey get Lasik and then hit Red Robin? Anyway, I’m watching season 1 and low and behold if the self-anointed Queen of Style Rachel Zoe isn’t a lowly wardrobe assistant rushing over to blanket a whining Jessica Simpson in a plush bath robe between takes. Best retro background sighting of the week. In the same season background scenery, catch an even-leathery-back-then Robin Antin and Mikey Minden as a curly-tressed neophyte choreographer. 
Anybody else find it suspicious that after over 29 years of marriage resistance Joy married Steve two days before View tablemate Sherri Sheperd got hitched? After decades of cohabitation, the pair could not wait a few more days to avoid stealing Sherri’s thunder? Was this intentionally bitchy or just bad form?
Unfortunately, most of us interrupt each other. Are we too impatient to wait for the end of a sentence? Cutting a person off mid-statement ranks among the most common discourtesies. This pervasive conversation derailment immediately creates a negative impression and inevitably offends the interrupted. The rude intrusion suggests the interrupter would rather hear his or her own voice than listen. That’s a pretty arrogant and unlikable position. In an ongoing quest for self-mastery and improvement, I promise to work on this. Agree?
It’s hard to know where to start with Bridesmaids, the ebulliently received new comedy co-written by and staring Kristen Wiig. 
A particularly brilliant performance by Melissa McCarthy elevates the unevenly funny writing. In fact, several cameos by talented comics pepper the movie, including one from co-writer Annie Mumolo as a panicking nervous flier. 
Wiig admitted on The View that the big gross-out humor scene was added just prior to shooting. This raises questions about who exactly thought shit and puke were a necessary addition to a film about grown women in their thirties. Despite the requisite bodily function detour, these talented ladies make the most of the juvenile tack-on. 
With this group of girls, wallowing isn’t allowed. Wiig and Mumolo wisely isolated the sweetness to the baking montages and the corniness to the Wilson Phillips number. 
Congratulations Ladies, Bridesmaids deserves an epic opening weekend.
Whoopi slipped a quiet bombshell into this morning’s View. Apparently, Oprah has invited Whoopi on her show to celebrate the 25th anniversary of The Color Purple. Guess Oprah’s finally gotten over that Lonesome Rhodes comment…
E! recently made a genius programming decision by upgrading Fashion Police to a weekly series. Joan Rivers has never been sharper as the Grand Dame presiding over a panel which includes Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic, and George Kotsiopoulos.
Speaking of Giuliana, we don’t do baby here at Demeter Clarc, but didja all happen to catch Giuliana and Bill on Friday’s View pimping their new book on their miscarriage press tour? We all sympathize with the couple for sure, but my inner cynic recoils at the notion of leveraging this kind of loss to bolster book sales and promote the upcoming season of a reality show.
While Giuliana has a comforting chipmunky quality, sort of a Katie Couric for Carrie Bradshaw disciples, a ravenous, fame-seeking beast pulses beneath her perky veneer. Even though the couple’s intentions to share their struggles may come from a pure place, the decision to craft their image around reproductive challenges is a risky strategy indeed. What if they have five miscarriages before they conceive? What if they never conceive? Is the public now privy to every detail since they have offered up the most private part of themselves in exchange for fame?
Speaking of late-thirties baby news, OK! reports Rachel Zoe has finally dulled the ache in Rodger’s pussy by incubating their very own Scarlet Begonia this awards season. Mazel Rach and Rodg!
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