Tag Archives: Tor

Go Deep

TORDo you Tor?  You know I’m obsessed with privacy and free speech, so I downloaded Tor, the browser that allows you to explore the web anonymously.  I won’t bore you with the particulars, you can read the Wiki page for that, but Tor provides layers of encryption that makes it pretty much impossible to trace your web doings.  Oh, you didn’t know about the government and corporations spying on your web activities?  Look into it.BIG BROTHER

Tor is also your gateway to the “deep web.”  It took me all of about 20 minutes to stumble down that rabbit hole.  Since I don’t have a need for bulk MDMA, pedoporn, or a contract killer, I really have no use for these sites, but I admit it’s a little thrilling to take a stroll through the back alleys of the internet.  It’s an eBay of criminality people – ANYTHING YOU WANT.  Bitcoin is the currency.  Thank God I didn’t have access to the black markets of the deep web when I was 20, or I would have been crotch-deep in MDMA.  It’s both exhilarating and alarming to know that this unregulated underworld exists and is not at all difficult to access.  Tor.  Go Deep.    GRAMS

The Real L Word: Strap-on Etiquette

Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover.  Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room.  He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.”  Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds.  This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay.  Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave.  Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party.  A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action.  Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys.  I would cut a bitch for this.

Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole.  If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern?  Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.

The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team WhitneyWhitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on.  Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and TorWhitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness.  Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone.  It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected.  After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on.  Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it.  Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor.  Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas WhitWhitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor.  As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.

The Real L Word: Sibling Revelry

Tracy’s sisters, Amy and Audrey, and their boyfriends arrived at Stamie’s for movie night.  Amy still hasn’t accepted Tracy’s relationship and forced an awkward smile as the group discussed the family’s reaction to her fledgling lesbianism.  Aggravated Amy began snapping over take-out menus and eventually got up and walked out saying, “You guys can cuddle, go ahead.”  Later on, Amy indicated that their Mom had been fishing around for information on Stamie.  Even though Tracy’s patience has been wearing thin over the last five years, she took her Mother’s interest in Stamie as a promising sign.

The Pottery Barn lesbians, Nik and Jill, began their search for a suitable wedding location.  The two made a pact not to argue over the wedding plans which pretty much guaranteed a conflict-riddled process.  With two women planning a wedding, who gets the final say on things like location, flowers, and food?  Most men don’t give a fuck, so they just smile and nod and try to appease the bride.  Two brides creates the potential for double dueling bridezillas with each impending decision.  The two ventured to a cliff-side mansion in Malibu previewing it as a possible wedding locale.  Nik fell in love with the first house they saw and pressured Jill to immediately book it despite the fact it eclipsed their location budget by three times.  Jill, ever the pragmatist, wanted to look at other places which resulted in the first breach of the aforementioned no-argument pact.

Mikey should have hooked up with her East Coast counterpart Kelly Cutrone because the turnout for her openhouse for West Coast designers was embarrassing.  She drank her shame by busting out mimosas.  Mikey kept the party going after that hot mess of an event and took it to an NYC tranny bar in an attempt to redeem the day.  Mikey proceeded to soak up all the booze in NYC, and therefore didn’t make it back to her hotel until 3:00 am, causing her to miss the entire next morning of her workday.  This oversleep constituted a mayjah unprofesh folly on her part, so she sheepishly vowed to rein in her drinking in the future.During a dinner with her sister, Whitney admitted she learned her pune juggling ways from her father who had an affair on Whitney’s Mom years ago.  Having adopted his sexual magnetism, she now resents how this trait has manifested destruction and chaos in her own life.Tor tried flirting with Scarlett, but was ultimately overpowered by Whitney’s kavorka.  She mounted a half-sleeping Whitney, planting a wet smooch on her lips virtually out of nowhere.  Tor called Whitney a douche between snogs, and Whitney claimed to like the fact that Tor put her in her place.  I must have missed that episode, because I have yet to see Whitney adequately humbled for her duplicitous behavior.

The Real L Word: Show Your Tits

We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport.  Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A.  Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation.  Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard.  I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.”  Amen StamieTracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up.  She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood.  These two ain’t gonna make it.

Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show.  She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project.  The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism.  She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.”

At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks.  Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for TracyStamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention.  Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps.  Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside.  Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her.

Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation.  Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.

Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction.  She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks.  Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque.  They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed.  Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl.  Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two.

Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night.  These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!”  Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment.  Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?”  Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner.  Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations.  This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity.  Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument.  Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out.  These two probably made up and fucked that night.  It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable.  Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?