Surely you’ve seen this? For those of you who missed it, Dean posted this photo on twitter and then quickly removed it. I’m sure Tori was mortified with that nursing nipple pepperoni situation. Whatever it takes to drum up excitement for that new season of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood though, right? Also, is that a whitehead on Liam’s chin? Why do I find that more offensive than the mom titties? New episodes and DC commentary (for you Michael York) the 29th and thereafter.
The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years. I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.
Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.
Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping. Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress. Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman. Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer. A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand. Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.
Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.
Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know. It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.
Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony. She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue. 
Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party. Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. 
Tori got her make-up did. Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial. Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 
Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.
Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.
Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. 
Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.
Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.
The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption. Do I smell a spin-off? These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean). Mazel gentlemen.
At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.
The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie. Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.
We caught up with Tori and Dean playing another round of torment the chicken. This week, birdie bath time!
Bitch, it’s a chicken not a baby!
During fowl bathing, Dean secured Tori’s acquiescence on a weekend getaway without the kids.
Dean, still unable to let go of his Sons of Anarchy dreams, invested in a mint green trike for Tori. He called it “chic.” Beware of straight men who toss around the term chic.
Mehran, Stella, and Liam trashed Tori’s closet while the two took a ride.
Liam woke up wet from his nap and proceeded to rub his pee-drenched ass into the sofa while he relished working the smell of urine into the velvet.
Later, Dean rounded up the kids for a trip to Neil Lane to pick out a free product placement ring for Tori. He let the kids choose, and somehow they magically agreed.
Liam helped his Mom pack for the surprise weekend getaway, but he couldn’t carry the bag. That pussy really needs to start working out.
Tori and Dean left the kids with the Guncles and took off for their one-on-one time.
Tori feigned surprised when they pulled up in front of Chateau La Rue — the scene of their disastrous foray into running a B&B.
Back at the Guncles‘, Stella dropped a deuce in the tub during communal bath time. Mayjah party foul.
Tori and Dean reminisced about simpler times while silently contemplating all the decorating changes made by the new proprietors.
The next morning, Dean roused Tori at the butt crack of dawn to take her on a hot air balloon ride.
Tori nearly shit herself at first, but in time she mellowed into the experience.
After the balloon ride, Dean tried to improve Tori’s cooking with a couples cooking class. 
For the first time all season, the two seemed to actually enjoy each other. Tori even managed to control her compulsive need to over check on the children.
The next morning at breakfast, a few (actors pretending to be) aged and wise couples dropped relationship advice on Tori and Dean. 
Ironically, immediately after the impromptu breakfast marriage counseling sesh, Dean drug Tori on another fucking motorcycle ride. Why must he persist with the fucking motorcycles? She doesn’t fucking care about motorcycles. Stop trying to make motorcycles happen douche!
Dean presented the ring to Tori while spouting fromage right out of one of his movie of the week scripts. 
He proposed. After all, what is a reality show today without the requisite vow renewal?
As a final surprise, out came the kids and the Guncles for an afternoon family picnic.
After lunch, the family went frog spotting on the dock and talked about all the fun times at Chateau La Rue.
Next week, on the season finale, in addition to the inevitable Liam temper tantrum, we get to enjoy a side order of the elusive Randy Spelling at the lame McDermott vow renewal.
Bori and Mean cooked up a particularly contrived episode this week by challenging each other to lame activities geared towards conquering each other’s fears. Side note: Tori modeled the world’s fugliest top.
A subplot this week revolved around redecorating the family room. This too takes the form of a dare when Mean challenged Bori to stay on budget, and Bori in turn challenged Mean to stay out of the design process. Dean drafted a contract and signed it in blood.
One part of the design process both could agree on was knocking down a wall and replacing it with French doors. 
Tori and Mehran decided that the salon was the most appropriate place to hold their Little Maven biznass meeting. The stylist looked thrilled.
Meanwhile, Dean attended the dance class that Tori signed him up for in an attempt to face his fear of dancing in public and “get in touch with his body.”
Some fears should not be overcome. Fear is a gift designed to protect, and in this case Dean removed the only barrier separating him from humiliation.
Tori drug Mehran to some abandoned haunted hospital to face her fear of things designed to scare her. 
The two brave adventurers congratulated themselves before taking their color coordinated asses back to the kitchen to mock Dean’s dance routine.
Coco clearly objected.
Back at the house, Liam made a mess with the paint and shit his pants while Tori and James debated colors.
Dean returned home to a new living room and dropped the track days news on Tori. Her response was guarded, but optimistic.
Stella got ready to visit animal jail, otherwise known as the San Diego Zoo.
A polar bear rattled the loose cage on the new exhibit and for a second I hoped the bear would spring forth and slaughter a by-standing Denise Richards, but that would actually make this show interesting and would therefore never happen.
Anyone who has been to the relentlessly hilly San Diego Zoo resented this celebrity carting around nonsense. I’d like to see this skinny bitch push a double-wide stroller up those hills like all the other Moms.
Bori terrorized the giraffe.
Episode Highlight: Liam on snakes, “I like snakes, yes they tickle my hair and my wiener and they love me.”
After the zoo, Mehran offered to watch the the kids with Scout while Tori and Dean went out for dinner. This “surprise date” was obviously planned well in advance since all these reality shows have to get permission to film. 
Tori texted throughout dinner which rightfully pissed Dean off. After she put down the phone, the two awkwardly stared at each other proving the only thing holding these two together is the kids.
Tori and Dean started the episode bickering over the scale of Liam’s 3rd birthday party. Tori planned a thirty-five kid “homegrown” back yard party and rationalized the overblown affair by arguing she’d actually be saving money. In addition to the requisite bouncy castle, there were discussions of elephants, cows, and chickens. Tori and Liam settled on a theme: super hero.
Tori interrupted complaining to Patsy about Dean to ask Liam to get away from the dog bowls. Liam, tells her no and persisted in admiring his reflection in the dog dish while luring Stella into his toddler rebellion.
Like most of the straight men in Tori’s life, Liam totally disrespected her and continued to blatantly disobey her despite her repeated admonitions. Grow a pair with your son too Tori.
Dean put on his spectacles to studiously prepare for his single camera comedy dream role audition while Liam pitched a dick fit at the imaginary grocery store. 
Dean’s solution was to take both carts away and yell at his kids. What the fuck did Stella do? Let Stella have both carts and tell Liam to fuck off.
Always on the hustle, Tori auditioned for a voice over for a mattress commercial. Pas chic Tori, pas chic.
Tori indirectly called Dean fat and lectured him on the importance of keeping in shape for his craft. The conversation ended with her ordering him out for a jog.
Cut to speakerphone and a camera crew on Candy Spelling. Liam invites Candy Gram to his party for Superman cake before requesting a conference with her dog Madison.
Dean took Patsy for a ride. As a result of this episode, she’s going to get a lot of Dykes on Bikes fan mail. Post-ride, Dean attacked Tori over the hummus carrot planters she prepared for Liam’s class. The carrot to hummus ratio was seriously off.
Dean accused Tori of showing off with her intricate sweets and trying too hard to appear “normal.” 
That struck a nerve, and she definitely didn’t want that insecurity offered up to camera. 
She returned the barb with some stank eye before retreating to Patsy. Dean returned later to apologize and blamed his dickery on resentment over Tori not wanting to ride his stupid fucking motorcycle. Get over it douche, what a pussy-hurt little bitch, jeesh.
Liam served up a side order of tantrum with dinner while everyone once again pretended his stalemate with mac-n-cheese was cute.
Tori complained about the paparazzi and said they made her protective of her children. If she’s so fucking protective, why does she exploit them for her reality show?
With all her self-proclaimed party planning prowess, it still didn’t occur to Tori that a three year old would bring an accompanying adult. Thirty-five children + thirty-five adults + ten hangers-on = a fuckload of people. Dean’s right, Tori’s party planning for a three year old is out of control. At that age, three to five kids is plenty. After all, do you remember your third birthday?
Surprise, surprise, Dean didn’t get the part. Hand me a hanky. 
Dean felt sorry for himself as Tori tried to give him a pillow pep talk. After an awkward stab at pity sex, the two tried to get some rest before Liam’s big 0-3.
Super Douche!
Candy brought an afternoon delight. Tori took her straight over to the food table where Candy critically surveyed the scene before the whole party was forced to endure another Jumpits performance. 
The Jumpits lick balls. Get Jenni Pulos from Flipping Out to do a number next time. She killed at Chloe’s birthday.
Stella and I both feel the same way about weddings.
Werk.
Do we like the parental sandwich?
Let’s not pretend we care about the first half of the show which focused on wedding planning, flower arrangements, and motorcycle race prep. Tori spent most of this time listing stressors and spreading anxiety. Even more irritating, none of her responsibilities seemed particularly stressful relative to demands of a non-celeb life.
Advice to Mehran: stay the fuck out of Tori and Dean’s marriage if you value your relationship with Tori. Nothing good can come from a meddling queen. 
How many fucking Tori Spelling puns are we going to have to endure? First STORI Telling and now Unchartered TerriTORI, enough already, jeesh.
Did he think the Guncles would keep a secret from Tori? Maybe he was secretly hoping they would break the news to her and save him the trouble. 
Dean looked super pissed that Tori missed his race until it occurred to the calculating fuck his leniency regarding her absence could soften her reaction to his secret almost-injury.
Tori, this red is not good for you. Harsh sauce. 
The next morning Tori grew a pair of Spelling-size nuts and finally confronted Dean venting all her feelings about his recent shenanigans including: his failure to equally shoulder the parenting responsibilities, his mid-life crisis motorcycle racing obsession, his failure to address other priorities while distracting himself with motorcycles, his anger issues, his inability to balance his time, and his lack of commitment to acting. Finally! She’s never more likable than when she’s giving Dean hell.
Nice UGGS douche.
She accused him of being disinterested and less present emotionally, and surprisingly she asserted herself when she normally would have caved to his defensive manipulations.
In the end, Dean’s no fool. He knows where his bread is buttered. He might have pushed his sugar mama a little far this time, but he had enough sense to humble himself, conveniently smoothing things over in time for the episode close. 
This week Dean jetted off to NYC to promote a project even more D-List than a movie of the week – a sequel to a movie of the week called Santa Baby 2. 
While little asshole Liam snubbed his Dad, Tori made small talk while she waited for overpriced red velvet cupcakes to arrive at Dean’s hotel room. 
I’m sure they served as a nice nightcap to the wild night of coke and hookers he had planned while away from the McDermott Baby Factory.
As many of you have heard, Bori and Mean’s fairy godmother granted them a multi-million dollar development deal with Oxygen. One of the shows rumored in production is a wedding-themed show where Dean and Tori orchestrate nuptials for what I can only imagine are desperate couples. The Brandy wedding story line is a clear attempt to introduce the concept of the spin-off. For this event, Tori will double as planner and bridesmaid while Stella plays flower girl.
Man polish is more than a little gay.
Told you he was a bully.
The real life Mama Lola and her spiritual lackey Zaar dropped by to balance Tori’s mojo. Miss Clairvoyant determined Tori’s preoccupied with Dean’s philandering by consulting with her magic oracle deck of playing cards.
Man-tunic wearing Zaar, channeling Otho from Beetle Juice, declared that two dead guys were chilling in the baby’s room sending Tori into a paranormal tailspin. 
Meanwhile downstairs, Mama Lola prepared Tori’s ritual cleanse. 
Stripped down to her silicone, Tori rubbed burning voodoo tonic all over her body while Mama Lola repeatedly insisted “it’s not cold.”
Mama Lola ordered Tori to wash her wcoocoon (booboon? raccoon?) sending Tori into a flaming woodle dance as Mehran and Zaar cackled in the background.
Dean returned from NYC with gifts for the children. He handed out candy to the kids and then chastised Tori for giving them the whole bag. Dick you brought the M&M’s, why don’t you ration them appropriately if you are so pussy-hurt about it?
Dean blew off the family his first day back to pimp some motorcycle crap that no one cares about. This is a man in his mid-forties and he acts like Nick Hogan. No surprise, they are both tribe douche. 
Again, instead of putting her Louboutin down on his nutsack, Tori let that shit slide and sought refuge in her gays. While sorting through pictures under the pretext of organizing, Tori found barf bags with puppy love proclamations from the early days of their courtship. She presented Dean with the nauseating mementos while they both sentimentalized Tori and Dean: the adultery years.
Mrs. McDermott greeted us this week stewing with resentment which apparently gave her a psychosomatic headache. Watching Tori struggle with that puppy box for several minutes explains a lot about Liam.
At Dean’s movie of the week party, Tori and her Queens held court in the kitchen with too many things to do and not enough time. 
This woman has one mode — crazed. She’s stressing herself to vomit over a fucking movie of the week?
Pussy-hurt Dean came into the kitchen and snapped at everyone and then pointedly attacked Mehran. Oh No He Didn’t. For a second week in a row, Dean gives Tori grounds for termination. Thou Shalt Not Attack Thy Gay Husband. Weak-sauce Tori let that shit slide when she should have given him two fingers in the asshole and left him whimpering in the corner.
Thankfully, Mehran isn’t the pushover Bori is, and he let Mean know his hostility was not appreciated. For a second, Dean looked a little scared of Mehran. Checkmate, and episode highlight.
Is it me or is Liam totally going to grow up to be that dick bully from The Karate Kid?
Mr. Personality worked a diva attitude at the fashion shoot snapping at the Guncles over wardrobe and Mehran over comic tone. He is his father’s son.
When he’s a little asshole everyone just nervously laughs. Discipline that little fucker now before he becomes a total nightmare.
The tragedy served as a temporary respite from the on-going bickering between Tori and Dean, but by the looks of it they are back at it next week. Seen or heard one of the numerous statements Tori has made in the last three weeks announcing the peace and tranquility in their marriage? The damage-control compulsion indicates major trouble, Trust.
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