Tag Archives: Tori Spelling

Holiday Gorge

IAMBRITNEYJEANGorged on E!’s I am Britney Jean which proved that behind every vacant, lithiumed, bleach-blond, lip syncher is a fleet of overworked, under-appreciated gay men.  Who among her team of handlers approved this popstar propaganda? Britney’s quite clearly not in the building, ya’ll.  Her retrospective should be called Incoherent. TORI AND DEAN CHEATINGWe didn’t know when, but we knew it would inevitably come: the Dean McDermott cheating allegations.  What an unexpected yuletide gossip gift.  Don’t side-eye me.  Two cheaters get together and I’m supposed to feign surprise when one of them cheats?  Bitch please.  I’ll bathe in this told-you-so through the New Year. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS 2013As for the Downton Abbey Christmas Special, I’m not sure I’m clear on the details of the monarchy-ruining scandal, but the clothes were EVERYTHING. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS SPECIAL 2013

 

a whole mess of pregnant bitches

Is it me, or is everyone and her aunt pregnant right now? 

Really with the covers?  Snooks I get, but Reese, really?  I know Lainey thinks this is a PR strategy executed by Reese’s team.  If it is a PR stunt, it’s a shitty, boring, pathetic one.  This is beneath you Witherspoon.

Enough with the Demi redux. 

I’m not offended by the pregnant nudity, I’m repulsed by that dead fish look in her eyes.  Smize bitch. Kourtney shamelessly used her pregnancy as a diversionary tactic.  Don’t forget Uma’s change of life baby. 

Please Don’t get a Boob Job

One of the women involved in this intensive training had her boobs done about 10 years ago.  The last couple weeks have convinced her that her silicone implants are the source of all her pain.  This is a woman who only eats raw snacks, but has plastic titties.  I ask you Ethan Hawke, is that irony?  (According to his definition, I suppose no.)Here are just a few of the possible side-effects of breast augmentation: infection, breast or nipple numbness, capsular contracture, scar tissue, breakage and leakage, necrosis, cognitive impairment, metal poisoning due to platinum exposure (in silicone implants), silicone migration into lymph nodes and other organs, autoimmune disease, and the worst case scenario – death. Were you aware that all breast implants will eventually break?  Nobody knows how long current breast implants will last.  Some break during the first few months, whereas others endure more than 15 years.  Most women had at least one broken implant within 11 years.  In over twenty percent of women, silicone migrated outside of the breast capsule and most of them were unaware of it.Health consequences aside, a boob job smacks of insecurity and vanity.  Save up for a dignity implant instead.  Men in particular, do your best to talk women out of this dumbass procedure. 

Tori & Dean: Hola Hattie

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table.  Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby.  She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around.  Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes.  The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar.  Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole.  Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land.  It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight.  Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella.  I don’t blame him.  He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching?  Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh.  Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement.  Stella declared she’s born to be nice.  Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth.  This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder. 

This is like a horror movie.  I can’t.  Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies?  Chill.  It is a newborn not a salt scrub. 

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events.  We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations.  Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase?  Did things get messy with the girls?  Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict.  Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen.  What’s really going on here?  I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas.  This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch.  Are we buying?  

Tori & Dean: Stella’s 3

Stella turned three and celebrated with a Hello Kitty-themed bonanza on this penultimate episode of the season.  Who is eating all this cake?  Seriously, that’s enough cake for 300 people. Super mellow as usual, Stella enjoyed rubbing elbows with the offspring of Hollywood’s C-minus-list mom cartel which includes Ali Landry and Denise RichardsDean diddled in the liquid nitrogen.  Candy’s bodyguards brought Tori’s old dollhouse in for Stella.

Dean booked an appearance in Toronto - something having to do with honoring Dads.  Marvel at our short collective memories.  Not long ago this guy deserted his family to run off with Tori, now he’s leading fatherhood rallies?  Later the whole family took a trip to the top of the CN Tower and Liam got busy licking the glass floor.Next week for the big finale, Tori gives birth to Hattie.  So if this reality show is any indication of actual reality (which of course it isn’t), then basically all the McDermotts did from Tori’s first trimester to her last is throw parties.  Somebody has a party planning book to promote.  Jeesh.

Tori & Dean: Old McDermott Had a Farm

Mehran visited Old McDermott’s mini-farm and finally articulated what we’ve all been wondering.  What is the deal with the indoor/outdoor livestock? Do they really think they are going to recreate the Beekman in Encino?  Bitch please.  Do guests just politely pretend her house doesn’t smell like animal feces?Tori countered Mehran’s inquiry by explaining she wanted the kids to grow up around animals.  She doesn’t quite seem to grasp that goats aren’t lap pets – especially when you are four months pregnant. Tori hosted a meeting with HSN product-pusher Pulsar.  During the presentation, Totes McGoats nibbled on the mood boards.  This leads us to Tori’s career lark of the week: parties in a box.  Is anyone else surprised that last week Tori covered the Royal Wedding and this week she’s trying to launch the same business model that made the Middletons their millions?  Tori moves forward with these inane ideas without any sense of self-awareness.  Evidently, no one has the heart to tell her that she lacks the experience, follow through, and commitment to launch any of these half-cocked notions into successful ventures. In a blatant cross-promotional bonanza, Patti Stanger appeared under the pretense of matching MehranTori and Patti sifted through the best of the very limited pool of potential dates and invited them to a mixer.   From there, Mehran chose two guys to meet one-on-one for cocktails.  Mehran conveniently chose the same location for drinks as the surprise baby shower that he and Tori planned for InvenTori manager Sally SmoodyTori and Sally wore conspicuously large hats, and Tori waived her cell phone around wildly as part of the most non-stealth spy mission ever attempted. Tori escorted Sally upstairs and “surprised” her with her shower, which was actually just a huge product placement for her gay husbands’ baby PR firm and her party planning book.  Tori orchestrated a seance for her 38th birthday.  Guests, including Jeff Lewis, came dressed as their favorite horror movie characters.  Tori dressed as Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby, Mehran chose Damien from The Omen, and the one costume that will haunt me in my nightmares: Liam channeled Chucky.  

Tori & Dean: Royal Tantrums

Dean cut his hand open preparing for friends and family night at culinary school. The first week of cooking class Dean biffed his egg dish.  Next he sliced his hand open with a knife creating a wound which required 8 stitches.  Dean’s dreams of his own cooking show are going up in a puff of burned frittata smoke.  Doesn’t really matter anyway since these cooking classes still don’t justify his inclusion in the insipid couple segments the content-desperate entertainment shows insist on airing. After complimenting Stella on her good behavior last week, she had to go and blow it with an embarrassing meltdown in dance class. Despite her condition, Tori threw a Royal Wedding Slumber Party where she planned to stay up all night with her gays and staff.  Access Hollywood stopped by for a chat, and then the gang snuggled into the sofa for Kate and Will’s union.  Long live Queen Patsy!Tori lightly dozed on and off through the nuptials and capped the morning with a traditional English breakfast courtesy of Chef McDermott.  With just a wisp of sleep under her pregnant belly, she ran off to film the Fashion Police Royal Wedding Special.Tori suffered a bout of self doubt when she learned that Mel B was 2 months further along in her pregnancy than Tori yet appeared significantly smaller in the belly.In the disorganization that is the McDermott asshole Baby Farm, Tori misplaced the dance bag, and the hunt had the whole family in a late tizzy to get to the dance recital.For this week’s date night, Dean prepared a surprise meal for Tori in The Grill’s kitchen.  While in the kitchen, Dean admitted he had doubts about his commitment to a future in professional food preparation.  For a man in his mid-forties, Dean flits among interests like a college undergrad searching for a major.Tori showed off some parenting skills by working a little reverse psychology on a resistant Liam during a photo shoot for Babytalk magazine.  She obviously learned a lot about coaxing divas dealing with that demanding bitch Brian Austin Green during the BH 90210 days.  On the second shoot for Parenting magazine, Liam threw another fit over his assigned role as Charlie Chaplin, but Dean lured him in with the promise of a mustache.

Tori & Dean: The Chicken or the Preg?

Pregnancy speculation themed this week’s Tori & Dean yet again.  Since this child was born months ago, do we really care?May I comment on the fact that Stella is like the most delightful child ever?  I have yet to see her throw a tantrum, and I’ve been watching closely.  Even Liam is less of an asshole this season.  That Adderall-laced breakfast cereal must be working. The last press-heavy event scheduled to take place during Tori’s first trimester was the GLAAD Awards.  This bitch obviously has no fucking idea of how to disguise a pregnancy with intelligent fashion choices.  Tori thought it appropriate to wear a shiny black tent attached to a Wilma Flintstone-style set of oversized gold pearls.  The dress draped over her bump and the shiny fabric betrayed her secret.  Who needs a confirmation?  This fug dress is the confirmation.  Oh, and she took the chicken.  It was Dean’s turn to spin the career wheel this week and his arrow landed on “culinary student.”  Because every opportunist actor needs a back up plan, Dean decided to enroll in a culinary arts program to secure his future as a sous chef.

He fucked up his first frittata.

After getting the clear from her long-suffering OBGYN, Tori decided to scoop the gossip weeklies and announce the pregnancy on her own Twitter feed.  Then she thoroughly enjoyed taking a fame bath in her self-drawn trending-topic tub.Naturally, Kathie Lee was butt-hurt over Tori denying the pregnancy to her face on the 4th hour, but a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky note seemed to smooth things over.

Tori & Dean: nobody cares

Tori and Dean made it through the Ann Curry portion of their appearance on the Today Show without having to field any pregnancy questions. During the 4th hour, the couple wasn’t so lucky.  Without a hint of irony after just bragging about how honesty is the cornerstone to their reality show’s popularity, Tori denied the pregnancy to an overly inquisitive Kathy Lee.  Is she under an obligation to inform the public of the status of her baby farm?  Of course not, but is she insulting us all by appearing on live television with what looks like a 5 month pregnancy bump and denying what is obviously and apparently true?  Yes.  Wanna keep your pregnancy a secret?  Then reschedule your press junket fame whore. Tori turned to Dean for support, but he just stammered.  The consummate professional, Tori fibbed that they weren’t currently expecting, but they were working on it.  After an awkward beat or two, Kathy Lee wrapped the segment and Tori stumbled off set looking extra nauseous. After the Today Show appearance, Tori and Mehran hit up a string of meetings.  First up, the two met with a potential new manufacturer for Little Maven.  The current manufacturer filed for bankruptcy, so this meeting was a last ditch effort to save the Tori-plays-kids-designer project.  Next came the purse conference, because the world needs another purse line like the world needs another McDermott child.  While Tori did business, Dean, Patsy, and the kids did the natural history museum. During a meeting with Gallery Books, Tori presented her vision to the team and confessed she planned to dedicate the party planning book to her Mom.  The publishers got big book boners over Coco the blue-beaked chicken, indicating that the publication of Celebratori was a foregone conclusion.  A preliminary Amazon search reveals the book is due for release early April, 2012.  A trip to New York wouldn’t be complete without a frozen hot chocolate moment at Serendipity, so that’s where the whole gang followed up a sickly sweet visit to Dylan’s Candy Bar.  In public, Tori can’t help loudly discussing her poorly concealed pregnancy.  Not only did she inhale her frozen hot chocolate, she kept hunching over in an obvious attempt to overcompensate.  She’s acting like she’s Angelina Jolie or something.  Nobody really cares that much.  Plus the McDermotts are self-proclaimed baby farmers, so anticipating a third pregnancy isn’t a wild stretch.  Less than a week away from her second trimester, Tori’s obviously just stirring up unnecessary drama for this tired-ass reality show.  Girl never tires of the hustle.