This week on “Tori Spelling’s New Career,” Tori fancied herself a professional party planner. Apparently, publisher Simon & Schuster’s got a rock hard boner for Tori’s party planning book. She beckoned her homoservant James to pull together three fake photoshoot parties for the book, and assigned Dean to organize an actual Ghostbusters-themed 4th birthday for Liam.
The subplot this week centered on hiding Tori’s first trimester pregnancy from the outer circle. Intel on Spelling’s womb is apparently so sought after she cannot murmur a word to anyone for fear that her secret would be splashed across the pages of US Weekly without a payday. While she claimed to want to keep the news on lock, her persistence in wearing unnecessarily indicating maternity garb made it seem as though she was both encouraging and enjoying the speculation.
The true Tori emerged on set during the photoshoot for her party planning book “Celebratori” (vomit). Someone staged a shot that Tori didn’t care for, and she turned on her best Beverly Hills bitchery to remind the photographer that Mz. Spelling prefers to serve her sparkling water in a pitcher, not a milk jug.
The staged spa party was as clichéd and tired as you can imagine. The idea was an inexpensive DIY spa night, but between the flowers, booze, beauty products, and baked goods, it would be cheaper to go to the spa.
The second fake party was themed “game night.” Yeah, I know, she’s a ground-breaking party-planning genius. Why hasn’t someone given this girl a book deal?
While shooting the ultra-pivotal dessert table, both the sweets and Tori began to melt in the southern California sun. She and James bickered over details and mistakes. The argument escalated to a full on cake debate and concluded with James storming off in a puff huff.
The next day James and Tori kicked around sand and made easy amends in the desert. They exchanged apologies over losing their patience the day prior. Then they set to work on staging a fun but unrealistic “old west party” which culminated in a marshmallow roast.
While Tori shot the book, Dean planned Liam’s Ghostbusters party. Of all the parties, Dean’s party for Liam was actually the most creative. He handmade Proton Packs that shot Silly String, and he constructed and painted a haunted house for the kids to enjoy. Where’s Dean’s party planning book?
After fussing to the photographer over whether she looked preggers in the photos, Tori divulged to her mother the news of their expanding family. Candy looked surprised, but painted on her best happy face. Tori looked satisfied by her response and the two shared a rarely seen tender mother-daughter moment.
Tori wrapped the book shoot with a 70′s Caftan Party complete with fondue. They shot in a house that looked a lot like Aniston’s recently sold overpriced shag pad. Post-shoot, Tori gathered the gang for a toast and shared the news about the latest McDermott. The next morning the parents informed Liam and Stella that soon a new sibling would join them as two of Hollywood’s most exploited children. Mazels all around.
Tori and Dean sucked us into this season by launching the episode with the stork depositing Scout and Bill’s newborn adopted baby Simone. Scout and Bill are the least annoying part of this two-bit crew, so Mazel! A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, and the arrival of this little blessed bundle made for a more easily digestible reunion with Tori and the gang.
The time line leapt ahead several months and caught up with Tori and Dean fussing over their hoarder-style garage. As you know, Tori fancies herself an antique collector. This bitch tries on new careers like underwear and this week her bright idea is a “pop-up store” (puke) where she can unload all her crap at marked-up prices to the gullible star-worshiping public. Tori labors under the misapprehension that just because she rubbed her vadge up against something it makes it more valuable.
Under rather fishy circumstances, Tori and Dean commit to a commercial lease of undetermined length at the first place they looked, which was an oddly-shaped disaster of a half-finished space Tori envisioned staging as an actual house. How clever.
As an aside, did you hear that Tori is single-handedly bringing back the faux-fur caplet? Alert Women’s Wear Daily.
Tori wants to play “buyer” as her career this season and impose her self-proclaimed exquisite design aesthetic on others. By opening a store, she surmises that she can now shop freely without guilt. Rather than addressing her consumerism, she’d rather just reframe it as collecting “inventori” for her new store. That’s some seriously fucked-up self-rationalization right there.
Always realistic with scheduling, Tori and Dean set a one month deadline for the grand Valentine’s Day opening of Inventori. When Hoardi visited her storage space she couldn’t seem to part with anything even though the gaudy crap is just collecting dust. How much you think she pays a month for 30 full-service storage vaults at Wetzels? I find storage space morally objectionable. Intentionally and usefully steward the object or let it go.
Did you pee your pants a little when Dean’s agent called with news he’d landed a role in the “sequel to Trainspotting?” Wait for it…. titled, “Ecstasy.” I’ll let you rub that in your skin for a minute.
Even though this role of a lifetime means that Dean will miss the inaugural of Inventori, Tori was more relieved his ass is bringing in child support than disappointed about his upcoming absence.
As we all well know, Tori got pregnant and had a baby this year. The last half of the episode volleyed between Tori’s pregnancy suspicions and the merchandising of 
Tori fussed over her sick, snotty-nosed children rather than tend to her latest half-cocked career plan. She delegated the final shop details, so when she arrived with James she was appalled to discover that items had been priced within the realm of reason by professional appraisers.
James and Tori scurried around removing price tags from items as the newly hired store manger looked on with horrified dismay. Even with the pricing drama, Inventori pulled in enough on its first day to warrant a delighted squeal from Tori when the closing day receipts were revealed.
The episode closed with the swap of Valentine’s Day gifts. Dean emerged with another tired-ass necklace. Tori wrapped up her pee stick pregnancy test and gave it to Dean. Tori got doe-eyed and coy, and Dean got über Canadian. Not sure why the two acted surprised; they have a fucking sign in front of their house that says the “McDermott Baby Factory.”
Surely you’ve seen this? For those of you who missed it, Dean posted this photo on twitter and then quickly removed it. I’m sure Tori was mortified with that nursing nipple pepperoni situation. Whatever it takes to drum up excitement for that new season of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood though, right? Also, is that a whitehead on Liam’s chin? Why do I find that more offensive than the mom titties? New episodes and DC commentary (for you Michael York) the 29th and thereafter.
Halloween is just a week away, so it is officially time to start panicking over a costume. Beware of these common dress-up blunders to avoid humiliation, mockery, and generally making an ass of yourself this year.
5) Cheating ruins a relationship forever. For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore. If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run. Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex. Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.
4) The following advice applies to all relationships. Look at what people do, not what they say. Tori Spelling failed to apply this rule. Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori. However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character. Now she’s surprised about relationship problems? Actions determine character. See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.
3) Please don’t EVER film your fucky times. See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton. While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”
2) Protect precious possessions from the vengeful. JWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed. Don’t be naïve. Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.
1) Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension. See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers. Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues. Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.
The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years. I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.
Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.
Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping. Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress. Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman. Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer. A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand. Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.
Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.
Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know. It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.
Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony. She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue. 
Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party. Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. 
Tori got her make-up did. Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial. Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 
Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.
Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.
Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. 
Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.
Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.
The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption. Do I smell a spin-off? These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean). Mazel gentlemen.
At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.
The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie. Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.
We caught up with Tori and Dean playing another round of torment the chicken. This week, birdie bath time!
Bitch, it’s a chicken not a baby!
During fowl bathing, Dean secured Tori’s acquiescence on a weekend getaway without the kids.
Dean, still unable to let go of his Sons of Anarchy dreams, invested in a mint green trike for Tori. He called it “chic.” Beware of straight men who toss around the term chic.
Mehran, Stella, and Liam trashed Tori’s closet while the two took a ride.
Liam woke up wet from his nap and proceeded to rub his pee-drenched ass into the sofa while he relished working the smell of urine into the velvet.
Later, Dean rounded up the kids for a trip to Neil Lane to pick out a free product placement ring for Tori. He let the kids choose, and somehow they magically agreed.
Liam helped his Mom pack for the surprise weekend getaway, but he couldn’t carry the bag. That pussy really needs to start working out.
Tori and Dean left the kids with the Guncles and took off for their one-on-one time.
Tori feigned surprised when they pulled up in front of Chateau La Rue — the scene of their disastrous foray into running a B&B.
Back at the Guncles‘, Stella dropped a deuce in the tub during communal bath time. Mayjah party foul.
Tori and Dean reminisced about simpler times while silently contemplating all the decorating changes made by the new proprietors.
The next morning, Dean roused Tori at the butt crack of dawn to take her on a hot air balloon ride.
Tori nearly shit herself at first, but in time she mellowed into the experience.
After the balloon ride, Dean tried to improve Tori’s cooking with a couples cooking class. 
For the first time all season, the two seemed to actually enjoy each other. Tori even managed to control her compulsive need to over check on the children.
The next morning at breakfast, a few (actors pretending to be) aged and wise couples dropped relationship advice on Tori and Dean. 
Ironically, immediately after the impromptu breakfast marriage counseling sesh, Dean drug Tori on another fucking motorcycle ride. Why must he persist with the fucking motorcycles? She doesn’t fucking care about motorcycles. Stop trying to make motorcycles happen douche!
Dean presented the ring to Tori while spouting fromage right out of one of his movie of the week scripts. 
He proposed. After all, what is a reality show today without the requisite vow renewal?
As a final surprise, out came the kids and the Guncles for an afternoon family picnic.
After lunch, the family went frog spotting on the dock and talked about all the fun times at Chateau La Rue.
Next week, on the season finale, in addition to the inevitable Liam temper tantrum, we get to enjoy a side order of the elusive Randy Spelling at the lame McDermott vow renewal.