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Pitchfork 2013 = friday

 

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June 2013 Horoscopes

GeminiGEMINI

Happy Birthday Gemini!  Blow out your candles and make a wish for real.  This month the stars and planets align to materialize your deepest dreams.  Positive, mutable, and masculine, Geminis master their universe with their remarkable mind.  At your best, Gemini is brilliant, fun, and useful.  At your worst, Gemini dithers, is emotionally distant, and often scattered.  This birthday month Geminis will be especially attractive to the opposite sex.  Unattached Geminis, this is your month for a dalliance.  For those in love, June ignites a rekindling.  Consider compatibility and then choose wisely among your options.  Geminis get very nervous very easily.  What structure and practices have you in place to help calm down when over-agitated?  It’s especially essential for you Gemini, to deal with your unexpressed emotions and anxiety in a constructive manner.  Work requires teamwork this month and certain interactions have you bristling.  Take notice when you delight in seizing opportunities to hurt people.  You can be damn sure they do.  Even though Geminis scheme, it often backfires.  That’s because for the most part you are good-natured and wish others well.  However when hurt, Gemini can be a petty, passive-aggressive, and intentionally hateful.  That’s you at your smallest.  Geminis shine this month creatively.  Look forward to working with others to build on an ongoing project.  June’s demands could run you down, so take care of your body or you’ll feel it.

CancerCANCER

Cancer, I’m happy to inform you that run of hardship is over and this month brings with it a windfall of fortunate opportunities.  Circumstances and chemistry begin to gel, and all that you’ve been hoping for with regard to your relationship comes together in a logical way so you can move forward together.   Seal the deal with a little trip.  Make a moment in June all about romance and growing the trust and history of your relationship.  Professionally, decide now what you want with a clear head.  An unexpected array of options will unfold before you in the coming weeks and you will be woozy by the flood choices.  A focused idea of what you truly desire will make the decision-making hangover a little less intense.  This June, much of your luck boils down to appearing at the right place at the right time.  You know what Oprah says, “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”  Prepare and the universe will supply opportunities aplenty.

LeoLEO

A rising tide of career momentum culminates in a fiery burst of success this June for Leo.  Once you start to catch some of that career shine, you can relax and enjoy a little fun.  Would it kill you to put an umbrella in it?  To that end, I gently encourage you to drop that extra weight and show off your best body this summer.  Leos feel best when lean and strong.  Embrace spontaneity and accept invitations from acquaintances that could lead to some interesting introductions.  If you are planning to change up the home front with renovations or a move, do it now for the most painless transition.  Leos should consider the next several months a preparation period for bigger and better things to come.  Organize your physical space.  Set up a course to achieve clear goals.  Any relationship, habit, or obligation which does not service your new direction needs to go.  Leos value family, and a special nexus of energy makes this the perfect time to rely on their advice.

VirgoVIRGO

Big changes come your way this June and shift everything for VirgoVirgos love to plan, but some events just can’t be predicted.  Prepare to permanently change emotionally by what goes down this month.  There will be times you doubt yourself, but remember that you are resilient and capable of surviving and even thriving under a number of difficult circumstances.  Virgos, this won’t be an occasion where you can ignore what is plainly before you.  Professional obligations will just have to wait this month.  June brings some enchanting folks into the mix that energize that once-vibrant social spirit.  Virgos can be the most fun when you aren’t bogged down in over-analysis, nerves, or downright fatigue.  Virgos trying to make it happen in the bedroom may want to consider a trip.  A change of scene will help free your inhibitions and bitterness.  You will return refreshed and a brand new Virgo.

LibraLIBRA

Get the fuck out of town this month Libra.  The stars support an adventure, so if you have the time and resources go big.  Maybe a special someone wants to go, and if not take someone else special like a free-spirited friend or your Mom.  Or why not go it alone?  What you learn from this trip could have long rippling positive influence on many different sectors of your future.  Cut a bitch to make it happen.  Libra shines at work which triggers a heavy emphasis on career, a pattern that will remain over the next several months.  Libra prefers an ordered home.  Displeased by your current domestic situation which causes unnecessary background stress, clean, move, renovate – whatever you need to do to make it right and make it tight, do it now.  Next month, when you are ballsdeep in work demands, you will be glad your home feels like a comforting hideaway instead of a hoarder’s den.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Get your shit together Scorpio because at the end of this month you set off for a full year of unbelievable adventure.  You’ve been chipping away at responsibilities, but this month your larger scheme takes root and the possibilities of financial payoff become a reality.  Scorpio plans and strategizes, but has difficulty initiating action.  Challenge your fixed nature.  Send momentum in a given direction and see what comes of it.  You won’t know until you try.  Towards the end of the month some retrograde activity could bring an unexpected bump in the road.  Strong intellect and judgment, paired with planetary support, stabilize you financially (and otherwise) through the mini-crisis.  Lately, Scorpio has physically experienced a personal renaissance.  This renewed confidence and swagger has admirers staring longingly at you from behind.  That’s just because you have a gorgeous ass.  Just put down the chocolate and stay on the yoga mat to make sure it stays that way.

SagittariusSAG

Sagittarius has been longing for emotional and financial stability that has been so elusive up until this point.  What you learn Sag, is that your level of commitment corresponds to your sense of belonging.  Only now do you feel ready to commit.  June opens up the possibility both romantically and professionally depending upon where you would like to focus.  Your personal cheerleader has been working behind the scenes to clear the way for your advancement.  Be sure to acknowledge those that got you there, especially when you start enjoying those lucrative rewards for your talent.  Super-sensitive to a fault, check yourself and ask whether it is your own diva-like behavior that is causing conflict.  Why do you need everyone to agree with you?  Sags overreactions come from a deep festering insecurity.  Temper your expectations against your own self-righteous and hostile behavior.  In the end, you’ll discover it’s a wash.

CapricornCAPRICORN

Many Capricorns visit love like an animal at the zoo.  They keep themselves safely partitioned on the spectator side of the plexi.  After months of fermentation, June makes or breaks you and your prospect.  Accelerate the process by taking a trip together.  The confined space and challenges of travel will dictate whether the two of you can stand each other for the long haul.  Spend time training this month, Caps get magnified results from physical activity.  Work remains busy, but lighthearted and fun this June.  There is a strong sense of camaraderie permeating the workplace.  Much credit goes to your leadership in developing a congenial atmosphere.  No stranger to therapy, this month discover a professional that is a perfect fit for you.  Now begins a new path of healing.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Power, action, and luck are on your side this month when it comes to romance Aquarius.  Whether it is jumpstarting a sluggish love or igniting a new one, June provides all the energetic support you need to get properly laid.  A relationship that begins now will stick.  Take a trip to someplace cute and invite lust along for the ride.  Even if it is just a nearby weekend jaunt on the cheap, take a twirl with a dance partner you would normally decline.  You never know.  Dedicate a good portion of your time away to lazily loafing and catching up on sleep.  Professionally, the first three weeks of June will be your most productive in months, so ideally plan your trip for the last week.  You deserve a little fun and a little fuck Aquarius.

PiscesPISCES

Family obligations soak up Pisces’s energy this month, and you dutifully rise to the occasion.  Unfortunately, this places some rather urgent matters on the back burner while you selflessly tend to the needs of others.  The weekend of the 23rd looks most promising for confidence and success.  Plan accordingly.  Friends float in and out this month providing gentle support and a friendly face when Pisces needs a soft place to land.  Particularly irresistible this month, Pisces have their choice of all the fishies in the sea.  You do some of the best courting around.  Those Pisces sowing relationship seeds will see a growth spurt of lusty passion that renews your unwavering commitment.  No matter what, the life of Pisces looks good this month and even more fortuitous in the coming months.

AriesARIES

The adventure bug bites Aries in the ass this month and it has you entertaining all kinds of crazy and far-fetched ideas.  How about a cross-global move?  Why not a last minute trip?  Maybe a proposal?  Your enthusiasm is well-appreciated Aries, but June isn’t ideal for signing binding agreements.  Aries just ain’t thinking straight.  You won’t do much damage as long as you don’t make any permanent decisions.  Pressure from colleagues to make a decision may come mid-month.  See what you can do to extend the conversation until next month when your mental clouds will have parted.  In the event that stalling tactics can’t delay the matter, push aside all the chatter and trust your research and your gut.  As far as romance goes, get to hunting.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus, you work so hard that the summer could just pass you by if you aren’t careful.  It would be a shame to waste the numerous serendipitous opportunities for romantic connections which abound in the warm weather.  Why waste that banging body at the office?  Would it kill you to show your arms?  Get a little more naked than you usually would this season.  Remember if the bitches are talking shit, that just means you look good.  The work momentum is solid and financially it makes sense to buckle down.  Plus, June serves up extracurricular cash activities that get your purse all hard and throbbing.  The planets have some mischief in store for you this month, so to the extent possible, brace yourself for a visit from Miss Calamity Jane.  The best way to get out alive is to focus on your ability to clearly communicate.  Stay out of and away from that which isn’t your business and isn’t for you to control.

five fart facts

I LOVE TO FART

At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.

STINKY TOOTS

Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots.  Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance.  Others believe it’s a genetic quirk.  I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. YOGA FARTThe bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.FART BREATH

The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze.  Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.EGGS AND MEAT

The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. LONGER LARGER FART

Sunday in Chicago

GREEK ISLANDSGROUND CONTROLSCOFFLAW CHICAGOCHICAGO SHORESALT AND PEPPERLA FOURNETTE

Vegas Veggie House

I confess I hate Las Vegas.  It is not the town for the pragmatic or the vegetarian, so there are two strikes against me right there.   However, after recently seeking out Veggie House, I now have a reason to look forward to refueling in the (cultural) desert.

In the ancient tradition of vegetarian Chinese cooking, Veggie House serves some of the best mock meat for miles.  Veggie House offers an extensive menu of cruelty-free seafood, beef, and chicken.  Enjoy the crispy “beef” and save the sweetfaced cow.  

Veggie House is truly a vegetarian oasis in one of the world’s most unrelentingly carnivorous cities.  Located in Chinatown, it will also get your uncultured ass off that gawd awful soul-less strip.

Atopalm Intensive Moisturizing Cream

Even with humidifiers cranking in almost every room, I still struggle to keep my skin adequately hydrated in the winter.  I’m always on the lookout for an amazing moisturizer and this year Atopalm Intensive Moisturizing Cream is my all-around favorite.  Sufficiently rich but not overly so, Atopalm Intensive Moisturizing Cream is neutral enough for the face or chapped ballsacks.  This versatile product truly heals dry, inflamed areas.    I also enjoy that Atopalm is intelligently packaged to pass rigid TSA carry-on regulations, and it isn’t too pricey either.  

Nobody is an Atheist on an Airplane

Wanna know my airplane prayer?

Dear God,

Cradle this plane in your palm.  Guide us gently to our destination.  Place us down gently.  Thank you.

Amen.

Pathetic, right?  Nobody is an Atheist on an airplane.

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.

Sunday with Humpback Whales

Each winter, humpback whales come to the warm waters off the coast of Hawaii to breed, birth, and nurture their calves. At one time, perhaps only a thousand thrived, but recent conservation efforts have resulted in a population boom.  Now more than twenty thousand whales are thought to take the long journey down from their Alaskan feeding waters to enjoy the Hawaiian channels.  There is not really any food for the adult whales in the crystal clear blue waters, so their time in Hawaii is a bit like whale Ramadan.They are literally everywhere this time of year, especially off the coast of Maui.  If you want a relatively close look, a boat is best, but you can see them easily from shore.  I was practicing yoga on the beach and a few friendly humpbacks came over and waved good morning.With whale watching comes whale tales.  Folks just LOVE to talk about their super-close whale encounters.  Some of those stories are true, but most are wildly exaggerated.  I personally don’t need to ride a whale to feel as if I’ve had the experience.  Maintain a respectful distance.