Tag Archives: Twilight

3 for Thursday

What most of us are thinking…

Did anyone really ever buy this showmance?  She got sloppy and I love it.  The Twilight movies suck ass anyway.  Oral in the Mini Cooper.  It must have a surprisingly roomy interior. 

What I’m recommending…

This recommendation is overdue ( it was on my watch list before Telluride).  Without a doubt, Marina Abramović The Artist is Present is a super interesting and inspiring movie.  I know some documentaries can feel tedious.  This is not one of them.  Some of you will need more, so I’m loathe to point out the Marina Abramović’s work was referenced in SATC when Carrie was courted by the Russian.  Hey whatever the reason, do watch.  Extra points for the James Franco and Orlando Bloom sightings.

What I’m hearing…

The xx sleeper single Angels.  What’s with the self-consciousness in the vocals Romy?  Got the sophomore album scares?

Rainbows, Hoh, and Twilight Tourism

After a delightful stay in Vancouver, I headed over to Victoria, B.C. and chowed on the best vegetarian Chinese ever at Lotus Pond.  This 100% cruelty-free joint blew my mind with their extensive menu of mock meat and use of unusual vegetable varieties.  Ever had a lotus root?  Me either.  Fake seafood, check.  Faux duck, quack, quack.  Food is served hot, quick, authentic, and delicious.  The service is kind, attentive, and unobtrusive.  Overall grade = a solid A.From Victoria, we took a little ferry ride to Port Angeles.  This is where we inadvertently got sucked into a vortex of Twilight tourism.  Rather than fight it, we decided to embrace the fromage, so we dined at Bella Italia.  This is the restaurant where Bella and Edward supposedly had their first date.  We avoided the overpriced “mushroom ravioli special,” opting instead for a decent bowl of minestrone and a mediocre Margherita pizza.  I asked the waitress if the place gets overrun with crazy-ass Twilight bitches, and she said for awhile it got so bad fans would steal the restaurant’s fancy leather-bound menus – which is such a profoundly dorky and pathetic move. After dinner, we hopped in the car and drove a little over an hour to Forks, Washington where we stayed at the hilarious Three Rivers Resort.  This “resort” obviously used to cater mostly to fisherman, but has wisely shifted its marketing focus to appeal to the voracious and insatiable Twilight fans.Even though our cabin smelled like a mean girl’s pussy, the owners were super nice, and the little cabin was an interesting departure from the standard hotel scene.  That said, I’m glad we only stayed one night.  Taking the advice of the kind proprietors of Three Rivers, we ventured down to the La Push reservation to Second Beach.  The elders blessed us with a sunny day, so we strolled the immaculately clean sand, snapped photos of the offshore rock formations, and spotted starfish in the tide pools.  Second Beach = trip highlight. Heading down the 101, we explored an enchantingly surreal hike through the mossy Hoh Rainforest.  Within this dense green wilderness lives some of the few undisturbed ancient trees protected from the logging industry.  As one of the few remaining unmolested areas of its kind, Hoh absolutely warrants protection from human destruction.  After our 6 mile hike, we turned back on the 101, and saw an extremely auspicious double rainbow over head.We had dinner in Aberdeen, the birthplace of the band Nirvana.  From Cobainland, we traveled a little further and crossed the border into Oregon by way of Astoria where we settled in for the night.  Tomorrow begins the second half of our journey where we will investigate The Goonies, Dita von Teese and the Redwoods.  Keep your tray tables stowed bitches, we ain’t done yet.

The only Riesen

When’s the last time you had a Riesen?  Lately, I’ve been devouring the chocolate covered caramel candies with a frequency that borders on obsession.  Stop judging me sugar-free bitches.  Gonna go see The Hunger Games this weekend?  Sneak some Riesens into the theater, they’ll give you something to chew on during the suspenseful moments.  Take a big bag, I hear the run time on this movie exceeds 2 hours.  Don’t know about you, but this is the first movie in quite a while I’ve really been anticipating.  Please let it be the anti-Twilight.

ADVENTURELAND

Summertime brings on an itch for the amusement park, rather than actually interact with children, visit Adventureland.  No movie better encapsulates the airbrushed corn dog nostalgia of the local crappy fun park of your childhood.Obviously, I’m obsessed with Martin Starr, so as a selling point let’s start with him.   He somehow manages to slip a Gogol reference into every role he plays.  Where Martin Starr goes, I follow.  Unlike those God-awful Twilight movies, Stewart doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out in her performance as EmIn addition to the stellar cast, this movie has an excellent soundtrack including The Cure, Crowded House, and The Velvet Underground.

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

The phrase dialing it in comes to mind in reviewing Chelsea Handler’s latest contribution to the New York Times Best Seller ListHandler’s books are like the Twilight movies, regardless of how mediocre, folks will come out the pocket.

Bang Bang pretty much peaks in the first chapter when Chelsea describes discovering masturbation at an eight year old girl’s slumber party circle jerk.

Pure cotton candy, the anecdotes make for easy, occasionally humorous reading.  Then POOF, just like empty calories, the confection basically disappears before your eyes.  By the last quarter of a relatively short book (256 pages), the energy putters out.  This limpness combined with the lazy editing proves the the NYT Best Seller List reflects only sales and not necessarily quality.