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Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture? I guess. Is it memorable? No. Am I bored? Very. Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk? Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection. Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada. Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it Versayce. I despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani. I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthy. Jennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity. I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu. It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra. I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything. Can she close her mouth? What’s up with her constant open mouth? It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her. It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani Privé. Armani far and away fit the best dresses of the night. Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.
Over the last few seasons we’ve witnessed a return to the statement lip. Bypassing regular go-to red, many opted to experiment with bolder shades like bright matte pink. By now you’ve seen gals give this trend a go with mixed results. Perhaps you’ve noticed that the wrong shade of dense matte lipstick can age even a dewy 20 year old.The face of Fall 2012 offers a softer and more accessible lip. Armani showed us a pucker one could kiss without needing a make-up removing wipe afterwards. Is there anything less dignified than thumbing smears of lipstick off a victim’s face after a smooch?Karl cosigned a similar natural pout at Fall 2012 Chanel Couture. Hi Lindsey Wixson. That’s not to say the runways were free from dissent; Jean Paul Gaultier served us red and glossy with his immaculately tailored lady-pimp collection.