Tag Archives: vegan

Dandies Vegan Marshmallows

DANDIESI admit I long for the classic marshmallow-topped sweet potatoes every year at Thanksgiving, but I never get to enjoy them because of the non-vegetarian friendly gelatin in the marshmallows.  This year will be different because of Dandies vegan marshmallows.  In texture, taste, and quality they equal or exceed regular non-vegetarian marshmallows without relying on gelatin or non-vegan sugar.  Substitute Dandies for this year’s topping so EVERYONE can enjoy the sweet potatoes.  Yum!  SWEET POTATOES AND MARSHMALLOWS

Weirdest Wedding

 

PEAR TITSI attended the weirdest wedding this weekend.  I don’t know the couple very well, but they seemed hopelessly in love and I sincerely wish them a lifetime of happiness.  That said, they made some truly bizarre aesthetic and organizational choices that I must share with you.  I think it goes without saying that aesthetic opinions are not personal and the following judgmental bitchiness is merely recreational.  We all understand that ultimately it makes no difference what I think as long as the couple enjoyed their blessed day.  With that prologue behind us, let’s get to dissecting every poorly chosen detail.CUTOFFSThe ceremony was held at a large suburban church at 3 pm.  Our presence was requested at a quarter till and we arrived promptly on time.  Tardiness to weddings or funerals is absolutely unacceptable.  As we initially entered, folks were gathered around.  There were no greeters per se, but a guy shouted out us from across the room “to sign in over there.”  We walked up to a table where a number of mirrors were spread out on a table and a chick wearing fairy wings thrust a martini glass full of sharpies at us and ordered us to sign.  Uhhh, anybody got an eightball?  The only time I see mirrors arranged horizontally is when I’m railing lines off the top.  Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.MIRROR GUEST BOOKSA few young women handed out thick (50+page) programs bound with glossy covers complete with photos of the couple.  A basket of mini namesake pencils sat on the table.  Only when we were ushered inside and seated did I start flipping through the program and realize that in addition to photos, memories, and the story of how the couple met, there were a number of mazes, word games, and trivia to play in the back of the program.  Was the couple planning for us to have a lot of down time in the coming hours?GREGORIANThe couple selected Gregorian chants for their pre-ceremony music.  Let’s celebrate our love listening to druids moan.  This was just the beginning of a number of ill-advised decisions the couple made in the realm of auditory accompaniment.   When it was time for the processional, each set of bridesmaid and groomsman werked their own theme song for their aisle walk.  That’s 5 different 30 second snippets of seemingly unrelated music played jarringly back-to-back.  The milky twilight song was involved folks.  The bride walked down the aisle to Hard to Concentrate by the Chili Peppers.  Nothing like getting serenaded by the Keanu Reeves of rock music on your wedding day.  G-sus.  Look, I get it, not everybody loves Brahms, but the music should be as classic and enduring as you hope the relationship to be.  If you must include the Chili Peppers, why not have a friend play an acoustic version on the guitar?  I can almost guarantee Grandma won’t adequately appreciate a Frusciante guitar solo in the Lutheran church ya’ll.FAIRY BRIDESMAIDSYou are dying to know about the bridesmaids’ dresses, right?  Bright Green.  Sateen.  Mini.  Bustled.  Flip-flops.  Fairy wings.  Truly Hateful.  The wedding dress reflected a similar level of discernment: white, sateen, gathered, sequined, fit-and-flare, topped with a tiara.  That’s my best effort at diplomacy people.BRIDE The ceremony itself was an unusual mix of super traditional Christian elements (The Lord’s Prayer, Unity Candle, Bible readings) and pagan imagery (plastic butterflies and fake flower arches).  The two exchanged hand-written vows.  The ceremony should culminate in a loving kiss, but instead the bride initiated a smooch and the groom reciprocated two lousy dry pecks in return.  I don’t need tongue or anything, but it was a dispassionate, disappointing, inexcusably limpdick showing.SMOOCHThe ceremony suffered from a number of guest disruptions.  I have never seen so many tiny babies at a wedding.  There were at least 3 infants and two were newborns.  Naturally, one cried throughout the ceremony and could be heard wailing from the gathering space outside.  Also in attendance was a teenage boy who I can only guess suffered from autism.  He had violent, loud, and aggressive outbursts which his weary parents repeatedly tried to contain.  A cell phone rang.  One dude wore shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops.  I am not kidding.WEAR SHOESThe ceremony concluded by 3:45 pm and the reception hosted by a nearby chain hotel didn’t start until 5 pm.  Now I understand the dense program and the monogrammed golf pencils.  Kill time doing a word search bitch.MAZESAfter dicking around for awhile in the car, we arrived at the reception starving and thirsty.  Channeled into a narrow hotel corridor outside the banquet room, guests were forced to precariously balance drinks, plates, and purses while standing awkwardly in the hall.  Hors d’oeuvres consisted of crudites and cheese & crackers.  Drinks, including non-alcoholic beverages, were available only by cash bar.  Did you hear me Lisa?  Nobody hates a cash bar like my friend Lisa.  That means my Diet Coke was $3 plus tip.  And the bartender was a complete cunt despite my charming demeanor.  Most of the guests hit up the lobby Starbucks and walked around with plastic cups with protruding green straws.  I just couldn’t bring myself to travel that far into tacky town.CENTERPIECE STARBUXWe snacked on the meager offerings and sipped our diminutive sodas.  Then we waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doors to open to the banquet hall – which they finally did – nearly an hour late.  Nothing like the sense of urgency of the listless underpaid staff at a chain hotel.  We located our table and sat down to our plastic butterfly martini glass centerpiece.  I surveyed the room and realized it was damn near a third empty.  Did that many guests RSVP and not show up I wondered?  (Leah Love asked you bitches to RSVP)  Most of the tables had empty chairs and there were some tables that were MORE empty than not.  It was the strangest thing and the explanation behind the soft turnout remained a mystery all night.  Empty chairs at the ceremony or reception simply cannot happen.CAM00060We sat with a fun, but cartoonishly odd, off-color couple from Canada along with his equally kooky sister and her Donn Gunvalsonesqe husband.  The slutty underage nieces kept coming over and pressing their nubile young titties on the toothy Uncle’s temples in exchange for shots of Jäger.  The whole scene nearly made me chunder my surprisingly delicious specially-plated vegetarian loaf.  A little tip from me to you: request vegan at weddings and often you’ll get your own specially prepared plate which allows you to bypass the buffet entirely (or barffet as we affectionately refer to it here at DC).  Later, the fortiesish wife of the handsy Uncle reappeared after a lengthy absence attired in one of the heinous Kermit-green bridesmaid dresses.  I have no idea who she shanked to get it or why.  Weirdest wedding ever.VEGGIE LOAFThe couple had a cute photo booth with funny hats and whatnot.  Everyone seemed to enjoy taking a cute souvenir picture.PHOTO BOOTHDuring dinner, the weary parents let the teenage autistic kid sit in the middle of the dance floor growling and yanking on a rubber cobra.  It was odd and distracting.  I sympathize with the entire situation.  Though perhaps the expectation that this severely disabled young man could endure a lengthy reception without causing serious disruption was somewhat unrealistic.KIDNAPPINGThe couple participated in a rather desperate and tasteless cash grab stunt involving the kidnapping and ransoming of the bride.  Cash was demanded for her return.  Cash was counted aloud.  More cash was requested.  Sorry guys, I spent all my cash at the bar on this watered-down well Scotch.CAM00071The wedding cake was a waxy chocolate with vaguely raspberry-flavored filling.  It was not delicious, but regardless of expense, wedding cake rarely is.RAINBOW CAKEThe bride and groom danced their first dance to a reworking of The Postal Service’sSuch Great Heights.”  It started slow and ended ska.  Embarrassingly, during the ska part the groom actually skanked around the dance floor.  The autistic kid had to be forcibly restrained and frankly I understood why.  It was all I could do to restrain myself.ACDJWhen the Brian-Johnson-from-AC/DC-resembling lesbian DJ started spinning top forty hits of the 80′s and 90′s and the white people started dancing, we decided to Walk Like an Egyptian right out the door while some of our dignity remained intact.DONUT DRESSBest wishes to the bride and groom.  Thank you for including me in your fairy tale day.  May your Mexican honeymoon be free of faucet ass and cartel kidnappings.MEXICAN KIDNAPPING

Vegas Veggie House

I confess I hate Las Vegas.  It is not the town for the pragmatic or the vegetarian, so there are two strikes against me right there.   However, after recently seeking out Veggie House, I now have a reason to look forward to refueling in the (cultural) desert.

In the ancient tradition of vegetarian Chinese cooking, Veggie House serves some of the best mock meat for miles.  Veggie House offers an extensive menu of cruelty-free seafood, beef, and chicken.  Enjoy the crispy “beef” and save the sweetfaced cow.  

Veggie House is truly a vegetarian oasis in one of the world’s most unrelentingly carnivorous cities.  Located in Chinatown, it will also get your uncultured ass off that gawd awful soul-less strip.

sweet taters

I’m not going to pretend that Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips are any healthier than regular corn chips, but I will say they are quite scrumptiously munchy.Personally, the sweet-salty oblong chip stands alone in its deliciousness.  Some may prefer some sort of salsa or dip.  I trust you can navigate this profound choice on your own.   Prepare to take down an entire (somewhat diminutive) bag of Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips.  Just don’t let the packaging, propaganda, or rhetoric convince you doing so is a healthy decision.

 

spices, girl

Cumin imbues deeply warm flavor to beans and soup.

Auspicious Turmeric possesses major health benefits and is currently the subject of a number of studies.  Sprinkle the yellow spice on almost anything for pleasing color and miraculous anti-inflammatory properties.

Paprika spikes dishes with antioxidants and color.  Try it on homemade mac-n-cheese to create a mysterious smokiness.

Pair Black Pepper with all the aforementioned spices.  It dramatically increases the bio-availability and absorption of other nutrients and minerals like selenium, vitamin B, beta-carotene and curcumin and also amplifies serotonin and beta-endorphin production in the brain.

it’s hot. do you stink?

Many of us want to get away from chemically-laden traditional antiperspirants, but how do we do this without sweating and stanking like some unwashed dready on Phish tour.  The 90′s are mercifully over.  It’s not a good look.  Or odor.At Coachella, my friend Annie told me this long-winded story about this great all-natural deodorant.  When she got to the end of her description of this magical product, she couldn’t remember the name of it.  Like porn without a money shot, I frustratingly informed her that such a build up without a climax is the conversational equivalent of blue balls.  A few days after we got home, she emailed me the name of her beloved mystery anti-stink – Herban Cowboy. Herban Cowboy makes natural deodorants aimed at men and women, but I prefer the version marketed to men.  It smells earthy and fresh and seems to incidentally mellow the sweat.  I wouldn’t trust it for a job interview or anything, but if you are looking to get away from controversial aluminum-based products consider Herban Cowboy’s vegan, natural deodorant. Why not unleash your natural funk?  Cover up all your pheromones with chemical blockers and you’ll never get laid.

fluff

Don’t forget about the Marshmallow Fluff.  It’s a great alternative to using marshmallows which contain gelatin.  Use marshmallow creme to make vegetarian-friendly rice treats and s’mores.  Ricemellow for the vegans.

Marshmallow-in-a-jar makes a delicious icing too and is much lighter than many other options based in butter or cheese.

Seattle Veg

Don’t fucking tell me it doesn’t rain “that much” in Seattle all you darling Pacific Northwest lying-ass bitches.   Seriously, it’s like living in a puddle.  I’ll forgive the shitty constant drizzle only due to the excellent array of plant-based food options.  What Seattle lacks in sunshine, it makes up for in an abundance of vegetarian friendly dining establishments.  I’m a homing pigeon for crunchy, granola, hippy, super specific vegetarian food, and this city provides more than a few dope places for an herbivore to land. At Chaco Canyon Organic Cafe the lentil burger looked like a turd, but tasted delightful.  Casual and unpretentious, come prepared to place an order at the counter and bus your own mess.  Come equally prepared to chow down on filling fresh veggie goodness.  A respectable B+.Next up, the adorably odd Star Life on the Oasis Café, step into a cute little house, decorated with quirky found furniture, and manned by “Wings,” a super nice guy with killer knife skills.  The beautifully fresh veggie sandwich filled my tummy full for the whole day, and the self-serve loose tea bar is a tea drinker’s dream.  A-We waffled on whether or not to hit up Araya’s Vegetarian Place, an all vegetarian Thai restaurant.  I like my food to punish me and Araya’s served up the 4 star spicy all right.  We were sweating balls after the delicious and impressively presented Tom Yum soup.  My dinner companion over estimated his spice tolerance and struggled to finish his meal, but that was his own damn fault for writing a spicy check his non-Thai ass couldn’t cash.  Amateur.  Overall, a solid B.

Cinco de Salsa

cherry tomatoes +white onion +bell pepper +jalapeño +the juice of 3 limes +optional cilantro

= fresca cinco de salsa ++=