Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season. The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. 
But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.
Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb. Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying. Chicken is not a vegetable people! If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian. That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.
Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack. Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed. With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona. Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.
The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot. After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.
After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced. The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits. Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. 
Of course Sonja did a number. She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates. Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own. It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season. Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…
“Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.”
All these rainy days call for a comforting spring soup. Minestrone is super easy, healthy, and delicious. 
Start with a large soup pot on medium, add olive oil, chopped onion and garlic. 
When the onions near translucence, add celery and carrots. A food processor makes quick work of the chopping and creates a rustic texture.
All of these veggies work in a Minestrone; add or subtract based on preference.
Keep it vegan or finish with a high quality Parmigiano-Reggiano. 
As we forge ahead towards the official commencement of winter, many of you bitches are sniff, sniff, sniffling around, calling in sick, and bringing your coughing children to Target. A bout with the cold or a tango with the flu is not a wintertime inevitability. 
Advocacy for probiotics has been gathering momentum for the last few years. It may seem somewhat counter-intuitive, but recent studies demonstrate a favorable relationship between a balanced gut and resistance to catching colds and flu.
How much do you love to sleep? I love, love, love to sleep. If I could fuck sleep, I would, totally, with abandon. To truly assess whether you are sleeping enough, go to bed (dark, cool, room, no distractions) at the same time every night for a week and sleep until you naturally wake up. By the fifth, six, and seventh days your body’s sleep schedule will begin to regulate, giving an accurate gauge of how much glorious unconsciousness you require to awake your most well-rested, gorgeous, not-grumpy self. Besides, people who sleep less than seven hours per night have three times the risk of catching a cold than those who slumber for eight hours or more according to researchers at Carnegie Mellon.
Just in time for the most tragic day of the year for our feathered friends, presenting the top pathogens likely to be chilling in your turkey this year.
Campylobacter jejuni lives in the gut of poultry and is commonly found in turkey poop. When you catch this nasty bug, look forward to it incubating in your intestinal track before surprising you with a debilitating stomach flu and bloody diarrhea 2-5 days after exposure.
Clostridium perfringens can grow without oxygen and can create spores that are resistant to cooking temperatures. The bacteria grows in poultry that has lingered too long before cooking or in meat that is improperly reheated. This bug causes gas gangrene. Uh huh, it is responsible for the bloating in decomposing corpses.
Escherichia coli O157:H7 (E. coli) inhabits the intestinal tract of warm-blooded animals, but due to unsafe food handling practices, it pops up in turkey too. This particular strand causes enterhemorrhaging, which is a fancy way of saying internal intestinal bleeding or bloody butt.
Listeria monocytogenes is found in water, soil and sewage. This nasty bug causes listeriosis, which can manifest in a mononucleosis-like infection or meningitis. 20-30% of clinical infections result in death, making it the most deadly of all the food borne pathogens. Added bonus: it can cause spontaneous abortion. By the way, there was a recall on Listeria-contaminated turkey just last week.
Zoonotic, Salmonella can be passed from your pets to you and back again. Bitch doesn’t discriminate and will incubate where it can. Hearty Salmonella is not destroyed by freezing and lives easily outside its host for years. For the healthy, a nasty case of diarrhea ensues, but for the immune-compromised the consequences could be much more serious.
Highly contagious Staphylococcus aureus can grow in a variety of foods and can produce a heat-resistant poison that causes skin infections, digestive disasters, and sometimes death. Because the toxin is difficult to destroy, you must prevent it from forming. This one is both sneaky and common.
Unless you plan on rising with the tortilla star, homemade fresh tortillas probably aren’t happening in your casa….until now. Recently, I discovered these Tortilla Land Uncooked Flour Tortillas and they kick fucking ass. About a minute on each side in a pan on medium heat creates the yummiest, freshest, better-than-restaurant warm tortilla goodness. 
After you try these, you won’t go back to store bought pre-cooked tortillas because there is simply no comparison. Estoy obsesionado.
Ask yourself, do you skip or compromise breakfast because integrating cooking into your morning routine is just way too much? Discover the beauty of waking up every morning with a ready-made, delicious bowl of warm goodness without having to operate your stove, toaster, or microwave.
Here’s what’s up: crock pot steel cut oats cooked in apple juice and water. Add the oats, juice, and water and cook on the lowest setting overnight (ideally, invest in an inexpensive unit with a “warm” setting). Overcompensate for the extended cooking time by adding slightly more liquid than the recipe calls for. The ratio is roughly one cup of oats to three or four cups of liquid depending on temperature and altitude. Don’t go overboard with the juice; it adds depth of flavor, but also calories and fructose.
In the morning time, add berries, cinnamon, whatever you like. Warm your belly on chilly mornings with nourishing homemade (vegan) oatmeal and see what good comes of it.
According to the USDA, there are 76 million cases of foodborne illness each year. Much of that illness traces back to poop in your food. This July 4th, avoid the risk with a yummy veggie burger or soy dog.
