Tag Archives: Wedding

Kanye’s lazy-ass proposal

PLEEEASE MARRYI feel strongly about marriage proposals which is probably why I haven’t been on the receiving end of one.  I believe in speaking to the parents first (credit to Kanye).  Give them an opportunity to object if they find the match unsuitable.  Proposals should be well-reasoned and planned (points for the orchestra).  Engagements should not happen as a reaction to a fight, a pregnancy test, or a health scare.  Take a knee.  Present a picture of an enticing life together.  Make promises you intend to keep.  Make eye contact and be sincere.KIM RING FLASHKnow what isn’t included in the simple list above, Kanye?  A fucking Jumbotron.  No woman really wants to be proposed to by a giant machine.  It is so insincere and impersonal.  For someone who is willing to smack a photographer to protect his privacy, a stadium-size proposal isn’t exactly discreet.  But you know what really chaps my ass about the Kanye-Kim proposal?  He stacked it on the top of a birthday.  There is nothing lazier than using the excitement of another event to prop up a lame and ill-thought out bid to wed.  No piggybacking on Christmas; hiding the ring under the tree with the socks and sweaters isn’t sufficiently special.  Proposers really shouldn’t hitch their request to the champagne-high of New Year’s.  An inquiry of this magnitude deserves its own day, its own care, and its own attention.  Yes, he threw some money at it, but ultimately: Lazy proposal = Lazy-ass husband.181190517CS00028_Givenchy_F

Weirdest Wedding

 

PEAR TITSI attended the weirdest wedding this weekend.  I don’t know the couple very well, but they seemed hopelessly in love and I sincerely wish them a lifetime of happiness.  That said, they made some truly bizarre aesthetic and organizational choices that I must share with you.  I think it goes without saying that aesthetic opinions are not personal and the following judgmental bitchiness is merely recreational.  We all understand that ultimately it makes no difference what I think as long as the couple enjoyed their blessed day.  With that prologue behind us, let’s get to dissecting every poorly chosen detail.CUTOFFSThe ceremony was held at a large suburban church at 3 pm.  Our presence was requested at a quarter till and we arrived promptly on time.  Tardiness to weddings or funerals is absolutely unacceptable.  As we initially entered, folks were gathered around.  There were no greeters per se, but a guy shouted out us from across the room “to sign in over there.”  We walked up to a table where a number of mirrors were spread out on a table and a chick wearing fairy wings thrust a martini glass full of sharpies at us and ordered us to sign.  Uhhh, anybody got an eightball?  The only time I see mirrors arranged horizontally is when I’m railing lines off the top.  Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.MIRROR GUEST BOOKSA few young women handed out thick (50+page) programs bound with glossy covers complete with photos of the couple.  A basket of mini namesake pencils sat on the table.  Only when we were ushered inside and seated did I start flipping through the program and realize that in addition to photos, memories, and the story of how the couple met, there were a number of mazes, word games, and trivia to play in the back of the program.  Was the couple planning for us to have a lot of down time in the coming hours?GREGORIANThe couple selected Gregorian chants for their pre-ceremony music.  Let’s celebrate our love listening to druids moan.  This was just the beginning of a number of ill-advised decisions the couple made in the realm of auditory accompaniment.   When it was time for the processional, each set of bridesmaid and groomsman werked their own theme song for their aisle walk.  That’s 5 different 30 second snippets of seemingly unrelated music played jarringly back-to-back.  The milky twilight song was involved folks.  The bride walked down the aisle to Hard to Concentrate by the Chili Peppers.  Nothing like getting serenaded by the Keanu Reeves of rock music on your wedding day.  G-sus.  Look, I get it, not everybody loves Brahms, but the music should be as classic and enduring as you hope the relationship to be.  If you must include the Chili Peppers, why not have a friend play an acoustic version on the guitar?  I can almost guarantee Grandma won’t adequately appreciate a Frusciante guitar solo in the Lutheran church ya’ll.FAIRY BRIDESMAIDSYou are dying to know about the bridesmaids’ dresses, right?  Bright Green.  Sateen.  Mini.  Bustled.  Flip-flops.  Fairy wings.  Truly Hateful.  The wedding dress reflected a similar level of discernment: white, sateen, gathered, sequined, fit-and-flare, topped with a tiara.  That’s my best effort at diplomacy people.BRIDE The ceremony itself was an unusual mix of super traditional Christian elements (The Lord’s Prayer, Unity Candle, Bible readings) and pagan imagery (plastic butterflies and fake flower arches).  The two exchanged hand-written vows.  The ceremony should culminate in a loving kiss, but instead the bride initiated a smooch and the groom reciprocated two lousy dry pecks in return.  I don’t need tongue or anything, but it was a dispassionate, disappointing, inexcusably limpdick showing.SMOOCHThe ceremony suffered from a number of guest disruptions.  I have never seen so many tiny babies at a wedding.  There were at least 3 infants and two were newborns.  Naturally, one cried throughout the ceremony and could be heard wailing from the gathering space outside.  Also in attendance was a teenage boy who I can only guess suffered from autism.  He had violent, loud, and aggressive outbursts which his weary parents repeatedly tried to contain.  A cell phone rang.  One dude wore shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops.  I am not kidding.WEAR SHOESThe ceremony concluded by 3:45 pm and the reception hosted by a nearby chain hotel didn’t start until 5 pm.  Now I understand the dense program and the monogrammed golf pencils.  Kill time doing a word search bitch.MAZESAfter dicking around for awhile in the car, we arrived at the reception starving and thirsty.  Channeled into a narrow hotel corridor outside the banquet room, guests were forced to precariously balance drinks, plates, and purses while standing awkwardly in the hall.  Hors d’oeuvres consisted of crudites and cheese & crackers.  Drinks, including non-alcoholic beverages, were available only by cash bar.  Did you hear me Lisa?  Nobody hates a cash bar like my friend Lisa.  That means my Diet Coke was $3 plus tip.  And the bartender was a complete cunt despite my charming demeanor.  Most of the guests hit up the lobby Starbucks and walked around with plastic cups with protruding green straws.  I just couldn’t bring myself to travel that far into tacky town.CENTERPIECE STARBUXWe snacked on the meager offerings and sipped our diminutive sodas.  Then we waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doors to open to the banquet hall – which they finally did – nearly an hour late.  Nothing like the sense of urgency of the listless underpaid staff at a chain hotel.  We located our table and sat down to our plastic butterfly martini glass centerpiece.  I surveyed the room and realized it was damn near a third empty.  Did that many guests RSVP and not show up I wondered?  (Leah Love asked you bitches to RSVP)  Most of the tables had empty chairs and there were some tables that were MORE empty than not.  It was the strangest thing and the explanation behind the soft turnout remained a mystery all night.  Empty chairs at the ceremony or reception simply cannot happen.CAM00060We sat with a fun, but cartoonishly odd, off-color couple from Canada along with his equally kooky sister and her Donn Gunvalsonesqe husband.  The slutty underage nieces kept coming over and pressing their nubile young titties on the toothy Uncle’s temples in exchange for shots of Jäger.  The whole scene nearly made me chunder my surprisingly delicious specially-plated vegetarian loaf.  A little tip from me to you: request vegan at weddings and often you’ll get your own specially prepared plate which allows you to bypass the buffet entirely (or barffet as we affectionately refer to it here at DC).  Later, the fortiesish wife of the handsy Uncle reappeared after a lengthy absence attired in one of the heinous Kermit-green bridesmaid dresses.  I have no idea who she shanked to get it or why.  Weirdest wedding ever.VEGGIE LOAFThe couple had a cute photo booth with funny hats and whatnot.  Everyone seemed to enjoy taking a cute souvenir picture.PHOTO BOOTHDuring dinner, the weary parents let the teenage autistic kid sit in the middle of the dance floor growling and yanking on a rubber cobra.  It was odd and distracting.  I sympathize with the entire situation.  Though perhaps the expectation that this severely disabled young man could endure a lengthy reception without causing serious disruption was somewhat unrealistic.KIDNAPPINGThe couple participated in a rather desperate and tasteless cash grab stunt involving the kidnapping and ransoming of the bride.  Cash was demanded for her return.  Cash was counted aloud.  More cash was requested.  Sorry guys, I spent all my cash at the bar on this watered-down well Scotch.CAM00071The wedding cake was a waxy chocolate with vaguely raspberry-flavored filling.  It was not delicious, but regardless of expense, wedding cake rarely is.RAINBOW CAKEThe bride and groom danced their first dance to a reworking of The Postal Service’sSuch Great Heights.”  It started slow and ended ska.  Embarrassingly, during the ska part the groom actually skanked around the dance floor.  The autistic kid had to be forcibly restrained and frankly I understood why.  It was all I could do to restrain myself.ACDJWhen the Brian-Johnson-from-AC/DC-resembling lesbian DJ started spinning top forty hits of the 80′s and 90′s and the white people started dancing, we decided to Walk Like an Egyptian right out the door while some of our dignity remained intact.DONUT DRESSBest wishes to the bride and groom.  Thank you for including me in your fairy tale day.  May your Mexican honeymoon be free of faucet ass and cartel kidnappings.MEXICAN KIDNAPPING

it isn’t summer until…

REED'S GINGER BREWS…you’ve enjoyed a Reed’s Ginger BrewDUCK DUCK GOOSE…you’ve played duck, duck, goose with some kids in the yard.   FEET FIRST…you’ve plunged in feet first.TRAFFIC…you’ve experienced gridlock.  MOSQUITO…you’ve been bitten by a mosquito. DRINK OUTSIDE…you’ve enjoyed a drink outdoors.WEDDING

…you’ve attended a wedding.TAN LINES

5 things you should never wear to a wedding

CHECK YOUR DRESSnumber five: visible cleavageWEDDING GUEST CLEAVAGEnumber four: shortsKATE MOSS SHORTSnumber three: a tiaraHONEY BOO BOO TIARAnumber two: flipflopsBRIDESMAIDS IN FLIP FLOPSnumber one: whiteWHITE WEDDING GUEST DRESSBORING WEDDING

a word on weddings

As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday.  I wore the matching dress – the whole bit.  This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise.  The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key.  After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony.  A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else.  What makes for a relaxed bride?  An attentive bridal party.  As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you?  You are the most beautiful.”  The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents.  Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job.  It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception.  My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud.   I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving.  I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes.  Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion.  Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day.  The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more.  Don’t bother trying to root out the ire.  Just distance yourself from the negativity.  Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon.  Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand.  Some will find this antiquated.  Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation.  The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced.  It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will.  Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves.  We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before.  As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets.  Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative.  Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of  awkward for both server and guest?  Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad.  What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley?  I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation.  Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety.  Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss.  Much more to come on weddings and more little doves.  The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward.  Thanks again for your kindness and commitment.  Hugs, DC

 

JULY 2012 HOROSCOPES

Cancer

Happy Birthday my little Crabs!  Fun-loving and passionate, you are affectionate and devoted to family and loved ones.  A side effect from that deep well of caring is the tendency to be fairly sensitive and touchy.  When ungrounded, Cancers allow external circumstances and people to influence and affect them.  This summer enjoy opportunities to spend time with a special someone.  When restless, you get reckless.  Your nine lives are running out.  If you continue down a path of irresponsibility, you will pay for it dearly.  With your birthday near, you should know you’re too old to behave so carelessly.  Don’t wish to heed the warning?  What if I told you that the result of your ill-conceived plot harmed someone else?  Would that sway you to think first?  By all means, enjoy the summer Crabs, but do so safely and wisely.

Leo

Lovely Lions, you’re successfully surfing the waves this month, even if you don’t realize it. Anticipating setbacks maintains your realistic expectations, but you’ll be surprised when you notice everything goes swimmingly.  2012 brings major change, some of which Leos have already experienced.  Adopting a new nut-up attitude will help you experience life’s pressures as challenges rather than obstacles.  Keep an easygoing and fun attitude this summer.  You have nothing to worry about that’s worth spoiling the sunshine for.  Happiness and Joy are for you; take them by the hand and play.

Virgo

Virgos get over-credited for their intellect (that’s not to say you aren’t brilliant) and under-credited for their innovation and artistic talent.  You possess a creative soul and lift others with your energetic can-do attitude.  Sophisticated Virgos put their savvy to work for them this month and it pays dividends.  A fortunate break is long overdue for you, so see this strike of luck for what it is – an incredibly blessed opportunity, and let your inner skeptic sit this one out.  July is the time to get laid, so get some energy flowing down south.  All that good sex will give you an undeniable swagger.

Libra

Libras exude tranquility and steadiness which they can use in dealing with whatever challenges that may come their way.  An umbrella in the rain, Libras are considerate, friendly, and able to calm others during confusing and tumultuous times.  For the most part, reason appeals to Libras and they like to be the voice of logic.  However, they will not endanger the peace to force their viewpoint on the group.  You enjoy positions of authority, and lately you’ve been navigating a power grab.  Go for it, but don’t compromise yourself or your best qualities in order to achieve an external measure of success.

 Scorpio

On the 4th of the month, Scorpios sparkle and shine with big energy and a positive mindset.  To wring all the essence out of this upswing, rely on this moment of levity to fully enjoy the pleasures of life. Next week, you will stumble upon a new idea which may mean more money for your career.  Scorpion passion leads to success in everything you plan and execute.  In fact, you are in possession of strength to overcome challenges considered insufferable by people around you.  This July, trust your own intuition over the advice of friends.  Scorpios know they are highly persuasive people who can easily captivate other people with their words and actions. Lead with your admirable qualities.

 Sag

This is a big summer for you Sags as you crest a wave of incomparable energy.  A zesty addition to any group, you lift others with your high spirits and outgoing personality.  Sags trust easily and therefore have a large social circle; use some of that popularity to bring people together this summer.  Rather than dwell on challenges of the past, accept that in some ways life is an ongoing set of challenges.  Adopt a more conquering attitude when overwhelmed.  Summer’s ripe for romance and flings.  Keep it tidy sexually; summer 2012 ain’t the time for an unexpected baby or HPV (even if All Adventurous Women Do…couldn’t resist the Girls reference; if you haven’t watched, you must).

Capricorn

In terms of reliability, nobody beats straight-to-the-point Caps.  You are the Honda Civics of relationships.  A Cap’s way of showing anger in relationships is to flake.  Let me just say from me to you, that’s a punk move Cap!  Passive-aggressive is not a good look, and it isn’t your job to punish people anyway.  You already know you are brilliant, practical, confident, and esteemed, but regular Cap readers know their theme this year is compassion.  How’s that going by the way?  Has a kinder Cap emerged?  On the 30th when someone from your past emerges, try embracing the person with as much warmth as you can muster.

 Aquarius

Even though in most regards you are flexible, Aquarians demand uncompromising honesty in relationships.  Knowing this about yourself, consider if distrust limits your ability to connect more deeply in your primary relationship.  In your gut, you know whether this person has been deceitful and insincere.  Avoid a fight on the 4th and just enjoy the day.  On the third week of the month avoid overspending.  You won’t be satisfied with the splurge.

 Pisces

Generous Pisces, what a good friend and lover you make.  It is easy to see why you are so admired.  On this roller coaster ride of a year, you’ve experienced a number of rises and falls and we are barely halfway through.  Clever Fish are trusted with many responsibilities and don’t like to admit how stressful the workload can be.  A project may not reach completion on time.  This failure to complete infuriates you, but don’t be too harsh on yourself.  Events unfold in ways you can’t control.  Focus on what feels good, like nourishing food, supportive friends, and physical love.  Stay active and positive.

 Aries

Aries experience harmony this summer and even more so as you thin the physical, psychological and relationship clutter that’s been bogging you down.  Some cuts will be harder to make than others, but your sense of what is real and what isn’t has never been sharper.  Rely on it.  Mid-month, Aries experience intense and vivid dreams.  Use them to inspire you in unexpected directions.  Towards the end of the month, avoid getting into petty arguments pertaining to gender roles.  Fail to heed this advice and you are the one who will look like an asshole.

Taurus

Extraordinary is not a word to throw around willy-nilly, but Taurus deserves it because you are not like others.  Stronger, more stubborn, and often more successful, you are very well liked and admired.  Capable Bulls handle in a day what many people struggle to complete in a week.  The hot weather has you looking good and feeling magnetic.  Wear daring outfits just because you can.  The last week of the month is a good time to get away by yourself.  Steer clear of family and friends, especially the 23rd-26th.  A solo camping trip perhaps?

 Gemini

Super intelligent Geminis enjoy instant fame in July.  Your many skills and talents in addition to your considerable charm captivate others.  Now is the time to rebound from past failings and relationship disappointments from the preceding year.  When dealing with others, avoid jumping to conclusions.  Early in the month, apply that genius creativity to problem solving.  Work hard to complete projects and the payoff will be one of the most enjoyable summers of your life.

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: The Rules of Engagement

With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements.  Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming.  Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry.  Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.

So let’s have a chat about a proper proposal shall we?  These rules apply hetero or homo or any which way.  Here at Demeter Clarc we believe you can put your dick wherever you like as long as you do so politely.  Without further ado, the rules of engagement:

1) Do not piggyback on the excitement of another holiday.  No rings under the tree.  Don’t double down on a birthday.  Don’t plunder the thunder of another fun day because you are too damn lazy to come up with an interesting proposal.2) Don’t ever hide the ring in food.  Fucking fromage yo.  This approach is not only lazy, but also a choking hazard.  Nobody wants to wait a couple days to “pass” an engagement ring before showing friends.3) Ask a parent.  Now this is going to be a controversial position, but hear me out, okay?  Approaching the parents first is a respectful and deferential gesture.  By going to the parents prior to proposing, it provides them an opportunity to voice any concerns and feel heard.  Now maybe you don’t want to hear what they have to say?  Well, hear this; the parents will have their say one way or another.  Either give them the opportunity early on or hear the truth after they get three cocktails deep into the engagement party.4) Don’t hijack other events and turn them into your engagement party.  Yes, you must announce your engagement, but I’ve been to more than one event where a self-important, love-dazed couple decided to announce their engagement to the room at a totally non-related event.  It’s weird and kinda rude.  And it kinda means you have to invite all those people to the wedding.5) Prepare for a range of reactions.  To be totally dead honest with you, when most people inform me of their engagements I give good congratulations and best wishes, but inside I’m humming the death march to freedom’s funeral.  And I’m not even a jaded divorcee who would very much like to tell you where to shove all that bright-eyed engagement talk.

in case you missed it…

Most of you have heard about the struggles Bethenny Frankel has experienced while attempting to develop, market, and sell her version of a daily network talk show.  Reports surfaced that decision-makers didn’t think she wasn’t likable enough.  Then there were those pesky allegations concerning false labeling on Skinnygirl Margarita, which further chipped away at her crumbling credibility.  And it wasn’t so long ago confusion swirled around the value of the Skinnygirl sale.  The cumulative effect?  Page Six reports that any hope for a syndicated deal is as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey.You guys watching Revenge?  Can’t really say it’s good, but blank-eyed Amber Valletta and an Herve Leger-clad Madeleine Stowe have kept it mildly interesting.  How much has this fall sucked in terms of tv?  So much.  In any other year at any other time, Revenge wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.We are neither surprised by nor interested in the break up of Ashton and Demi’s marriage.  Nobody seriously thought that shit would last, so the media can just relax with all their pearl clutching.  We all know the grounds for divorce.  Under the reason for dissolution, next to Ashton’s name, check the “douche” box; next to Demi’s, check “desperately clinging to youth.”

Kim’s Fairytale Pre-Divorce Party

Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches).  I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole.   Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.1)  The Dogs.  The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible.  A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed.  Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part.  2) He’s late.  Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time.  Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup.  3) He talks too much.  This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no?  He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear.  He talks shit behind Kim’s back.  He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense.  He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey.  Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative.  At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 4) He’s controlling.  Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner.  A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive.  Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements.  5) He’s arrogantHumphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority.  Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now.  He needs to stop acting irreplaceable.  And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?We totally hate him, right?  If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz.  How long are second marriages running these days?  9 months?  I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.