With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements. Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming. Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry. Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.
So let’s have a chat about a proper proposal shall we? These rules apply hetero or homo or any which way. Here at Demeter Clarc we believe you can put your dick wherever you like as long as you do so politely. Without further ado, the rules of engagement:
1) Do not piggyback on the excitement of another holiday. No rings under the tree. Don’t double down on a birthday. Don’t plunder the thunder of another fun day because you are too damn lazy to come up with an interesting proposal.
2) Don’t ever hide the ring in food. Fucking fromage yo. This approach is not only lazy, but also a choking hazard. Nobody wants to wait a couple days to “pass” an engagement ring before showing friends.
3) Ask a parent. Now this is going to be a controversial position, but hear me out, okay? Approaching the parents first is a respectful and deferential gesture. By going to the parents prior to proposing, it provides them an opportunity to voice any concerns and feel heard. Now maybe you don’t want to hear what they have to say? Well, hear this; the parents will have their say one way or another. Either give them the opportunity early on or hear the truth after they get three cocktails deep into the engagement party.
4) Don’t hijack other events and turn them into your engagement party. Yes, you must announce your engagement, but I’ve been to more than one event where a self-important, love-dazed couple decided to announce their engagement to the room at a totally non-related event. It’s weird and kinda rude. And it kinda means you have to invite all those people to the wedding.
5) Prepare for a range of reactions. To be totally dead honest with you, when most people inform me of their engagements I give good congratulations and best wishes, but inside I’m humming the death march to freedom’s funeral. And I’m not even a jaded divorcee who would very much like to tell you where to shove all that bright-eyed engagement talk.
Most of you have heard about the struggles Bethenny Frankel has experienced while attempting to develop, market, and sell her version of a daily network talk show. Reports surfaced that decision-makers didn’t think she wasn’t likable enough. Then there were those pesky allegations concerning false labeling on Skinnygirl Margarita, which further chipped away at her crumbling credibility. And it wasn’t so long ago confusion swirled around the value of the Skinnygirl sale. The cumulative effect? Page Six reports that any hope for a syndicated deal is as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey.
You guys watching Revenge? Can’t really say it’s good, but blank-eyed Amber Valletta and an Herve Leger-clad Madeleine Stowe have kept it mildly interesting. How much has this fall sucked in terms of tv? So much. In any other year at any other time, Revenge wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.
We are neither surprised by nor interested in the break up of Ashton and Demi’s marriage. Nobody seriously thought that shit would last, so the media can just relax with all their pearl clutching. We all know the grounds for divorce. Under the reason for dissolution, next to Ashton’s name, check the “douche” box; next to Demi’s, check “desperately clinging to youth.”
Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches). I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole. Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.
1) The Dogs. The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible. A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed. Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part. 
2) He’s late. Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time. Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup. 
3) He talks too much. This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no? He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear. He talks shit behind Kim’s back. He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense. He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey. Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative. At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 
4) He’s controlling. Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner. A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive. Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements. 
5) He’s arrogant. Humphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority. Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now. He needs to stop acting irreplaceable. And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?
We totally hate him, right? If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz. How long are second marriages running these days? 9 months? I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.
My dear friend Sam is getting married soon and she recently inquired about how to achieve a natural, dewy, minimalist look for her big day. She cited Kate’s (Moss not Middleton, ya’ll) recent nuptials as inspiration.
Wedding makeup is tricky business. The bride must consider lighting, photography, and longevity. Often what works on camera can look down right freakish in person. Furthermore, who can be bothered with endless touch-ups on such an important occasion?
Most brides aim for subtle enhancement to show their best selves. The approach for each bride must be individually tailored to achieve optimal results, but there are a few hard and fast rules for wedding day makeup that simply should not be ignored.
Despite what you might have learned from last weekend’s Jerseylicious marathon, a smoky eye doesn’t work for everyone. Those with hooded eyelids or smaller eyes should stick to lighter neutral shadows. A smoky eye can easily melt into a raccoon eye without proper preservation. If you insist on breaking out some intense shadow for the big day, have at it, but for the love of Aucoin please no super bright colors. Save the hot pink and purple; this is your wedding day and not a club crawl through the Jersey Shore.
Keep shimmer to a minimum. A little here and there to catch the light is fine – corner of the eyes, brow bone, a smidge on the cheek bones, a dab in the center of the lip or arch of the cupid’s bow (NOT all locations por favor). Shimmer reads prominently in photographs. If you go crazy with the highlighter all over; you’ll appear oily and shiny in your pictures. Soft matte works best on camera.
Dramatic brides may consider a red lip. Proceed with caution. Red lips are extremely high-maintenance. Gotta keep it off the teeth, off the dress, and reapply often for maximum punch. A scarlet smoocher can easily dominate the face and take over a photo. The wrong shade of red causes the rest of the face to recede. The tendency is to overcompensate with too much color elsewhere or look washed out. Consider a subtle red wash on the lips to keep features balanced.
Go easy with the foundation and concealer application. Let your skin and inner light shine through. Remember the aim of these products is to perfect the skin, not mask it. Splurge on high-end foundation and concealer, even if you go budget in other areas. Without a perfected base, the whole look crumbles.
Invest in a primer. A decent primer provides staying power. Primer is the key to 8-12 hours of longevity, so you look as good at the end of the reception as you did walking down the aisle.
Interpretations of the Two of Cups fall into essentially three categories. First, this card symbolizes marriage and partnership. Where applicable, it also evokes forgiveness and healing within a broken relationship. Lastly, under other circumstances, The Two of Cups can also indicate a growing attraction or even coming out. Remember, The Cups = our emotions, and these two look ready to bare their souls. New friends and nascent love are all good things, but when 2 Cups is reversed, watch out for discord, divorce, and betrayal.
The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years. I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.
Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.
Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping. Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress. Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman. Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer. A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand. Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.
Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.
Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know. It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.
Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony. She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue. 
Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party. Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. 
Tori got her make-up did. Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial. Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 
Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.
Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.
Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. 
Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.
Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.
The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption. Do I smell a spin-off? These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean). Mazel gentlemen.
At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.
The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie. Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.
Stella and I both feel the same way about weddings.
Werk.
Do we like the parental sandwich?
