Thank our girl Blanche for this one folks. Early in February, Blanche received a tacky save-the-date email from two betrothed friends. At the end of March, she received this email from the couple:
Hi Everybody!
We have decided to cut back the scope of our wedding and are now planning an alternative ceremony with immediate family and will be canceling the July 19 ceremony.
What started as a desire to throw a simple party for friends and family quickly grew into something neither of us wanted and no longer represented the evening we had in mind. Thank you for all your love and support! We love all of you, it’s just really expensive to feed you :)
With love,
(names withheld to protect the guilty)
Where to begin with this? G-SUS. Yeah, let it wash over you. Rub it in your skin. The pair has the audacity to disinvite guests whom they’ve already asked to save-the-date. To add another layer of grime to the email, they dangle the morsel that they will still be having a festive little clan gathering, you just don’t warrant an inner-circle invite. If that weren’t enough, the reason you can’t come is because you eat too much. Well fuck you too then. And don’t expect a gift either. 
Sorry for the delay. I suffered a wicked case of unexplained hives over the last couple days that drove me to distraction. I tried everything to get the migrant irritation to settle, but eventually I just broke down and took an allergy pill. Not sure what caused the outbreak, but the constant itching was driving me bananas. 
So what did you think of American Horror Story: Asylum? Pretty spooky, right? Murphy and Falchuk repeatedly focused on imagery of folks strapped down to gurneys. This season explores themes of restraint, imprisonment, drugs, mental illness, and religion. While I suspect that the series will rely heavily on well-tread ground – Cuckoo’s Nest anyone? Hopefully, Asylum will present new twists on the genre favorite. More importantly, will the show have any heart without Connie Britton? Uggg, and wasn’t Adam Levine just so Levinesque. The hand lick. Gross. And that’s not the first time we’ve seen that misogynistic move on this show.
Do we care that Justin and Jessica are getting married in Italy this weekend? I didn’t think so. Ben Affleck is to Jennifer Garner as Justin Timberlake is to Jessica Biel. 
By now you’ve heard that Jen and Justin got engaged. Why does their whole relationship smack of desperation? Justin’s desperate to elevate himself to A-list relevancy and wealth. Jen’s desperate to officially lock down a man before the tabloids permanently assign her the role of the heartbroken, left-behind spinster. Can we expect a Mexican wedding? Aniston loves her some Mexico. Though some say the couple has already scouted locations in Greece. Do we trust him? Fuck No. We want pre-nup. 
As an occasional watcher of Basketball Wives, I sadly wasn’t at all surprised to catch word that Chad allegedly head-butted Evelyn after she confronted him over a receipt for condoms. He was arrested and charged, and has since been released from his contract by the Miami Dolphins. Evelyn suffered a gash on her forehead and has apparently moved out of the couple’s home. The two got married about 5 weeks ago. Real messy ya’ll. 
Those of you with long memories remember that just about a year ago I was preparing to attend the wedding of one of my best friends. Despite the build-up, I mysteriously never mentioned the weekend again which some of you surely found annoying and some of you never noticed.
The only useful thing I learned in Brownies – Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. One is Silver and the Other Gold. 
As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday. I wore the matching dress – the whole bit. This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise. The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key. After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony. 
A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else. What makes for a relaxed bride? An attentive bridal party. As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you? You are the most beautiful.” The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents. Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job. It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception. My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud. 
I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving. I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes. Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion. Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. 
Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day. The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more. Don’t bother trying to root out the ire. Just distance yourself from the negativity. Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. 
Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon. Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand. Some will find this antiquated. Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation. The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced. It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will. Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. 
Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves. 
We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before. As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets. Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative. Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of awkward for both server and guest? Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad. 
What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley? I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation. Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety. Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss. 
Much more to come on weddings and more little doves. The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward. Thanks again for your kindness and commitment. 
I understand the point of a registry: to make sure you don’t end up with a bunch of fug shit you don’t want. However as a gift-giver, I find the increasing use of registries frustrating. 
I’ve been invited to a bridal shower I can’t attend. The invitation says the couple is registered at a couple of different places. When I looked over the registry, it is all overpriced housewares items I could find identically for less. That is another annoyingly limiting quality of a registry – lack of opportunity for bargain shopping. 
When I’ve deviated from the registry in the past, the recipients actually stated in the thank you note that they returned the item (lovely robin’s egg blue Nigella Lawson nesting bowls) for something more in line with their color scheme (beige, beige, boring, boring). Whatever, you wanna live your life in black and white that’s your biznass, but I cannot actively contribute to dull. 
Recently, I’ve taken to perennially pleasing cash for wedding gifts. Who’s mad at cash? Nobody. But cash is not an appropriate gift for a bridal shower, so that’s not going to work under the present circumstances. 
It is so much more fun to find a memorable and quirky gift. You can buy your own flatware, but would you ever buy yourself a cuddling bunny sculpture? Probably not. To appease everyone involved, I’ll pick up something from the registry and add a little bonus flare of my own. 
With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements. Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming. Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry. Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.
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Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches). I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole. Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.
1) The Dogs. The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible. A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed. Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part. 
2) He’s late. Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time. Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup. 
3) He talks too much. This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no? He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear. He talks shit behind Kim’s back. He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense. He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey. Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative. At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 
4) He’s controlling. Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner. A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive. Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements. 
5) He’s arrogant. Humphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority. Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now. He needs to stop acting irreplaceable. And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?
We totally hate him, right? If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz. How long are second marriages running these days? 9 months? I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.