Tag Archives: weddings

I thee dread: unholy kardashian/west union

An Italian Wedding is Formaggio. Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze

Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze?  It’s just so cliché, basta.  And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that.  There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.

Fundamental IncompatibilityKIM K KORNROWS

Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:

To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought. It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.

Classic Kanye West quote on racism:

George Bush doesn’t care about black people. GB DOESN'T CARE

Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority.  In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye.  She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it.  Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence. KIM KANYE NORTH WEST

Kardashian Bridal Fatigue

KIM AND KRIS HUMPHRIESWe just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event.  Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance.  With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom.  I’m not excited about her dress.  I’m not excited about his dress.  I’m not invested.  We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter.  Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.KOURTNEY SCOTT MASON

 

The Current Rotation: Nuptial

DIXIE CUPSThe Dixie Cups ♥ Chapel of LoveQUEENS OF THE STONE AGE WHITE WEDDINGWhite Wedding ♥ Queens of the Stone AgeBRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERBridge Over Troubled Water ♥ Aretha FranklinLET'S GET MARRIED AL GREENLet’s Get Married ♥ Al GreenYEAH YEAH YEAHS WEDDING SONGWedding Song ♥ Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Weirdest Wedding

 

PEAR TITSI attended the weirdest wedding this weekend.  I don’t know the couple very well, but they seemed hopelessly in love and I sincerely wish them a lifetime of happiness.  That said, they made some truly bizarre aesthetic and organizational choices that I must share with you.  I think it goes without saying that aesthetic opinions are not personal and the following judgmental bitchiness is merely recreational.  We all understand that ultimately it makes no difference what I think as long as the couple enjoyed their blessed day.  With that prologue behind us, let’s get to dissecting every poorly chosen detail.CUTOFFSThe ceremony was held at a large suburban church at 3 pm.  Our presence was requested at a quarter till and we arrived promptly on time.  Tardiness to weddings or funerals is absolutely unacceptable.  As we initially entered, folks were gathered around.  There were no greeters per se, but a guy shouted out us from across the room “to sign in over there.”  We walked up to a table where a number of mirrors were spread out on a table and a chick wearing fairy wings thrust a martini glass full of sharpies at us and ordered us to sign.  Uhhh, anybody got an eightball?  The only time I see mirrors arranged horizontally is when I’m railing lines off the top.  Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.MIRROR GUEST BOOKSA few young women handed out thick (50+page) programs bound with glossy covers complete with photos of the couple.  A basket of mini namesake pencils sat on the table.  Only when we were ushered inside and seated did I start flipping through the program and realize that in addition to photos, memories, and the story of how the couple met, there were a number of mazes, word games, and trivia to play in the back of the program.  Was the couple planning for us to have a lot of down time in the coming hours?GREGORIANThe couple selected Gregorian chants for their pre-ceremony music.  Let’s celebrate our love listening to druids moan.  This was just the beginning of a number of ill-advised decisions the couple made in the realm of auditory accompaniment.   When it was time for the processional, each set of bridesmaid and groomsman werked their own theme song for their aisle walk.  That’s 5 different 30 second snippets of seemingly unrelated music played jarringly back-to-back.  The milky twilight song was involved folks.  The bride walked down the aisle to Hard to Concentrate by the Chili Peppers.  Nothing like getting serenaded by the Keanu Reeves of rock music on your wedding day.  G-sus.  Look, I get it, not everybody loves Brahms, but the music should be as classic and enduring as you hope the relationship to be.  If you must include the Chili Peppers, why not have a friend play an acoustic version on the guitar?  I can almost guarantee Grandma won’t adequately appreciate a Frusciante guitar solo in the Lutheran church ya’ll.FAIRY BRIDESMAIDSYou are dying to know about the bridesmaids’ dresses, right?  Bright Green.  Sateen.  Mini.  Bustled.  Flip-flops.  Fairy wings.  Truly Hateful.  The wedding dress reflected a similar level of discernment: white, sateen, gathered, sequined, fit-and-flare, topped with a tiara.  That’s my best effort at diplomacy people.BRIDE The ceremony itself was an unusual mix of super traditional Christian elements (The Lord’s Prayer, Unity Candle, Bible readings) and pagan imagery (plastic butterflies and fake flower arches).  The two exchanged hand-written vows.  The ceremony should culminate in a loving kiss, but instead the bride initiated a smooch and the groom reciprocated two lousy dry pecks in return.  I don’t need tongue or anything, but it was a dispassionate, disappointing, inexcusably limpdick showing.SMOOCHThe ceremony suffered from a number of guest disruptions.  I have never seen so many tiny babies at a wedding.  There were at least 3 infants and two were newborns.  Naturally, one cried throughout the ceremony and could be heard wailing from the gathering space outside.  Also in attendance was a teenage boy who I can only guess suffered from autism.  He had violent, loud, and aggressive outbursts which his weary parents repeatedly tried to contain.  A cell phone rang.  One dude wore shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops.  I am not kidding.WEAR SHOESThe ceremony concluded by 3:45 pm and the reception hosted by a nearby chain hotel didn’t start until 5 pm.  Now I understand the dense program and the monogrammed golf pencils.  Kill time doing a word search bitch.MAZESAfter dicking around for awhile in the car, we arrived at the reception starving and thirsty.  Channeled into a narrow hotel corridor outside the banquet room, guests were forced to precariously balance drinks, plates, and purses while standing awkwardly in the hall.  Hors d’oeuvres consisted of crudites and cheese & crackers.  Drinks, including non-alcoholic beverages, were available only by cash bar.  Did you hear me Lisa?  Nobody hates a cash bar like my friend Lisa.  That means my Diet Coke was $3 plus tip.  And the bartender was a complete cunt despite my charming demeanor.  Most of the guests hit up the lobby Starbucks and walked around with plastic cups with protruding green straws.  I just couldn’t bring myself to travel that far into tacky town.CENTERPIECE STARBUXWe snacked on the meager offerings and sipped our diminutive sodas.  Then we waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doors to open to the banquet hall – which they finally did – nearly an hour late.  Nothing like the sense of urgency of the listless underpaid staff at a chain hotel.  We located our table and sat down to our plastic butterfly martini glass centerpiece.  I surveyed the room and realized it was damn near a third empty.  Did that many guests RSVP and not show up I wondered?  (Leah Love asked you bitches to RSVP)  Most of the tables had empty chairs and there were some tables that were MORE empty than not.  It was the strangest thing and the explanation behind the soft turnout remained a mystery all night.  Empty chairs at the ceremony or reception simply cannot happen.CAM00060We sat with a fun, but cartoonishly odd, off-color couple from Canada along with his equally kooky sister and her Donn Gunvalsonesqe husband.  The slutty underage nieces kept coming over and pressing their nubile young titties on the toothy Uncle’s temples in exchange for shots of Jäger.  The whole scene nearly made me chunder my surprisingly delicious specially-plated vegetarian loaf.  A little tip from me to you: request vegan at weddings and often you’ll get your own specially prepared plate which allows you to bypass the buffet entirely (or barffet as we affectionately refer to it here at DC).  Later, the fortiesish wife of the handsy Uncle reappeared after a lengthy absence attired in one of the heinous Kermit-green bridesmaid dresses.  I have no idea who she shanked to get it or why.  Weirdest wedding ever.VEGGIE LOAFThe couple had a cute photo booth with funny hats and whatnot.  Everyone seemed to enjoy taking a cute souvenir picture.PHOTO BOOTHDuring dinner, the weary parents let the teenage autistic kid sit in the middle of the dance floor growling and yanking on a rubber cobra.  It was odd and distracting.  I sympathize with the entire situation.  Though perhaps the expectation that this severely disabled young man could endure a lengthy reception without causing serious disruption was somewhat unrealistic.KIDNAPPINGThe couple participated in a rather desperate and tasteless cash grab stunt involving the kidnapping and ransoming of the bride.  Cash was demanded for her return.  Cash was counted aloud.  More cash was requested.  Sorry guys, I spent all my cash at the bar on this watered-down well Scotch.CAM00071The wedding cake was a waxy chocolate with vaguely raspberry-flavored filling.  It was not delicious, but regardless of expense, wedding cake rarely is.RAINBOW CAKEThe bride and groom danced their first dance to a reworking of The Postal Service’sSuch Great Heights.”  It started slow and ended ska.  Embarrassingly, during the ska part the groom actually skanked around the dance floor.  The autistic kid had to be forcibly restrained and frankly I understood why.  It was all I could do to restrain myself.ACDJWhen the Brian-Johnson-from-AC/DC-resembling lesbian DJ started spinning top forty hits of the 80′s and 90′s and the white people started dancing, we decided to Walk Like an Egyptian right out the door while some of our dignity remained intact.DONUT DRESSBest wishes to the bride and groom.  Thank you for including me in your fairy tale day.  May your Mexican honeymoon be free of faucet ass and cartel kidnappings.MEXICAN KIDNAPPING

it isn’t summer until…

REED'S GINGER BREWS…you’ve enjoyed a Reed’s Ginger BrewDUCK DUCK GOOSE…you’ve played duck, duck, goose with some kids in the yard.   FEET FIRST…you’ve plunged in feet first.TRAFFIC…you’ve experienced gridlock.  MOSQUITO…you’ve been bitten by a mosquito. DRINK OUTSIDE…you’ve enjoyed a drink outdoors.WEDDING

…you’ve attended a wedding.TAN LINES

5 things you should never wear to a wedding

CHECK YOUR DRESSnumber five: visible cleavageWEDDING GUEST CLEAVAGEnumber four: shortsKATE MOSS SHORTSnumber three: a tiaraHONEY BOO BOO TIARAnumber two: flipflopsBRIDESMAIDS IN FLIP FLOPSnumber one: whiteWHITE WEDDING GUEST DRESSBORING WEDDING

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: it’s just really expensive to feed you

Thank our girl Blanche for this one folks.  Early in February, Blanche received a tacky save-the-date email from two betrothed friends.  At the end of March, she received this email from the couple:

Hi Everybody!

We have decided to cut back the scope of our wedding and are now planning an alternative ceremony with immediate family and will be canceling the July 19 ceremony.

What started as a desire to throw a simple party for friends and family quickly grew into something neither of us wanted and no longer represented the evening we had in mind.  Thank you for all your love and support!  We love all of you, it’s just really expensive to feed you :)

With love,

(names withheld to protect the guilty)

Where to begin with this?  G-SUS.  Yeah, let it wash over you.  Rub it in your skin.  The pair has the audacity to disinvite guests whom they’ve already asked to save-the-date.  To add another layer of grime to the email, they dangle the morsel that they will still be having a festive little clan gathering, you just don’t warrant an inner-circle invite.  If that weren’t enough, the reason you can’t come is because you eat too much.  Well fuck you too then.  And don’t expect a gift either. 

 

 

Itchy, twitchy, and bitchy

Sorry for the delay.  I suffered a wicked case of unexplained hives over the last couple days that drove me to distraction.  I tried everything to get the migrant irritation to settle, but eventually I just broke down and took an allergy pill.  Not sure what caused the outbreak, but the constant itching was driving me bananas. So what did you think of American Horror Story: Asylum?  Pretty spooky, right?  Murphy and Falchuk repeatedly focused on imagery of folks strapped down to gurneys.  This season explores themes of restraint, imprisonment, drugs, mental illness, and religion.  While I suspect that the series will rely heavily on well-tread ground – Cuckoo’s Nest anyone?  Hopefully, Asylum will present new twists on the genre favorite.  More importantly, will the show have any heart without Connie Britton?  Uggg, and wasn’t Adam Levine just so Levinesque.  The hand lick.  Gross.  And that’s not the first time we’ve seen that misogynistic move on this show.Do we care that Justin and Jessica are getting married in Italy this weekend?  I didn’t think so.  Ben Affleck is to Jennifer Garner as Justin Timberlake is to Jessica Biel.

 

Betrothed, Butted, and Boring Blood

By now you’ve heard that Jen and Justin got engaged.  Why does their whole relationship smack of desperation?  Justin’s desperate to elevate himself to A-list relevancy and wealth.  Jen’s desperate to officially lock down a man before the tabloids permanently assign her the role of the heartbroken, left-behind spinster.  Can we expect a Mexican wedding?  Aniston loves her some Mexico.  Though some say the couple has already scouted locations in Greece.  Do we trust him?  Fuck No.  We want pre-nup. As an occasional watcher of Basketball Wives, I sadly wasn’t at all surprised to catch word that Chad allegedly head-butted Evelyn after she confronted him over a receipt for condoms.  He was arrested and charged, and has since been released from his contract by the Miami DolphinsEvelyn suffered a gash on her forehead and has apparently moved out of the couple’s home.  The two got married about 5 weeks ago.  Real messy ya’ll.

Finally, True Blood officially sucks now, right?  Just checking.

 

When a Fight Becomes a Friendship-ender

Those of you with long memories remember that just about a year ago I was preparing to attend the wedding of one of my best friends.  Despite the build-up, I mysteriously never mentioned the weekend again which some of you surely found annoying and some of you never noticed.

I’d rather not get into the complicated details out of respect for my former friend.  Needless to say, bad communication, weird energy, and selfish behavior all around caused what has amounted to an irreparable rift.

Keep in mind, this relationship spans over a decade.

So the question becomes, if neither party reaches out after an extended silence, is the friendship over?

Is it better to be stubborn, right, and lonely, or forgiving and rich with friends?

Or is it the very event of a wedding that shifts the agenda for all involved?  Can some friendships simply not survive a wedding?  Does the solidification of one relationship spell doom for another?  Only if you hate the person your friend is marrying.  Which isn’t necessarily the case here.  It isn’t so much I hated the groom.  It’s more that I hated who my friend became around the groom.

I’ve often considered reaching out to this friend, but something always stops me — usually one of my other friends who likes to periodically remind me how poorly we were treated at the ceremony after traveling many miles and undertaking great expense to support our friend’s union.

Knowing my dear friend as I do, I suspect she still checks this website from time to time.  If that’s the case, I hope she knows that despite the obstacles between us I do wish her and her husband well.  Perhaps now they’ve even begun on their little family.

Nearly a year has passed since we last spoke, and I suppose it is time to move this conflict from the active to closed file.  I do so with a heavy heart.  For many months, I held out hope we would reconcile, but some opposing forces are too polarized to ever meet in the middle.  The only useful thing I learned in Brownies – Make New Friends, but Keep the Old.  One is Silver and the Other Gold

Our friendship may be tarnished, but this girl will always be gold to me.