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I’ve been attending my fair share of live shows lately, and that means I’ve been annoyed by all the douchebag behavior of the general public. Let’s review the basic commandments of concert-going, shall we?Thou shalt not wear a band t-shirt to that band’s concert. We already know you are a fan. You bought a ticket. Attendant commandments include: I shall not blast the performing band from my car stereo while waiting in gridlock in the parking lot of the concert venue, and under no circumstances will I emulate the dress of the performers like a pathetic, dorky lemming. All you dress-alike Jack White fans looked like Mennonites. I shall respect my fellow concert goers and not place the world’s largest tarp on the ground in general admission in an attempt to save room for my six late-arriving friends. Conversely, thou shalt not dip in the show after the curtain drops and expect to shove thy way to the front. Early birds get the good seats. Late arrivals expect to compromise on proximity to the stage or encounter intense wrath from the long-suffering and dedicated early birds. If your late ass wants a view, spring for the expensive assigned seating. I shall further respect my co-fans by actually watching the performance rather than spending the whole show with my back to the stage trying to get high. But on that note…
Thou shalt share thy bud.
Thou shalt resist the temptation to sing along to every song regardless if thy know all the words.
Thou shalt use the phrases “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” liberally when negotiating the crowd.
Thou shalt not bring a beach ball. Who are you anyway? Every fucking show with the fucking beach ball. Enough with the beach balls.
Venturing out for a gathering tonight? Remember these simple tips to keep your dignity intact this New Year’s Eve.Have a strategy for getting home or arrange a place to crash before you go out. The last thing you want to be doing at 2:18 a.m. New Year’s Day is trying to find a cab or foolishly trusting a drunk-ass friend to drive you. Lazy, opportunistic cops love New Year’s Eve. The last place you want to spend the night is the drunk tank in county lockup, Trust. Plan ahead bitches. For the record, hoping for a one night hook-up does not constitute a legit plan.Please resist the temptation to dress like a disco ball and call it “festive.” Tonight, expect to see a hot mess of metallic wherever you go. Buck the obvious choice, and you’ll stand out against a sea of tired frocks. If you already have a sparkler lined up, it better be the best shit ever. Seriously, ill-fitting metallic looks so budget. Regardless, wear a damn coat. Shivering is not chic.If someone hands you a bong or a joint, puff-puff-pass. No sleeping in the grass. If you stumble into a room where people are doing blow, don’t inquire loudly, “Is that coke!?” Clean up after yourself. Don’t pee on the seat. Share your drugs. Take one before you take two. If you are rolling, maintain your composure. Nobody wants your emotional ebarf all over them. Stay away from pharmaceuticals. Drink water. Eat dinner. Sometimes puking is the best solution. Keep a level-headed bitch in your crew.
Never be the first to arrive or the last to leave. Don’t flirt with someone else’s date. Absolutely no catfighting, crying, or public relationship drama allowed. Bring cash. Nudity will surely end up on the internet. Keep your clothes on.Most of all loves, thanks for your visit. Wishing you the most phenomenal and blessed year of your life. Smooches, DC
Cleaning a bong can be really work intensive, so much so, that most of you filthy fuckers never tackle the job. This is why your bong is a smelly, resiny, clogged mess. The cleaning advice below applies to glass. I don’t fuck with plastic. Over the years, I’ve tried rubbing alcohol, vinegar and baking soda, sea salt and hot water, and a variety of other combinations on the quest for clean glass. The more elbow grease a particular agent requires, the more likely you will crack your glass in the process. The most effective and painless solution to this problem is a grip of Goo Gone. Fill your bong with Goo Gone, run a Goo Gone-soaked paper towel up the tube, cover, and leave overnight. The next morning, remove the paper towel, and thoroughly rinse repeatedly with very warm water, scrub lightly with a dish brush (set aside for only this purpose). Watch with childish delight as the resin melts away.
A few common sense cautions here: seriously, rinse thoroughly, petroleum-based Goo Gone isn’t something you want to be inhaling. Goo Gone is also flammable, so seriously, rinse thoroughly – all over – so you don’t catch your dumb ass on fire. Bonus tip – Goo Gone also works well for removing the sticky build up on your vaporizer.
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