Well kiddos, I made it a month without smoking grass. I can hardly believe it myself. There have been some trying times. I managed to avoid puffing at a party, during relationship duress, and through several sleepless nights. After I made it through the physical detox, a new set of psychological challenges emerged. What surfaced was a deep well of seething rage that I’ve been spouting out in every direction at anyone who even slightly annoys me. It’s fair to say that without weed, I’m a total cunt. All my physical symptoms have diminished. No more sharp pains between my ribs. The wheeze is gone, as is the choking feeling I experienced around my throat. My moods, however, need regulation. For quite some time, I’ve been using ganja like some people use lithium – to manage moods. While I was aware of my dope dependency, I didn’t realize until I quit that I arrested my emotional development by using instead of feeling. Now, at this late stage in the life game, I’ve got to come up with new ways to cope with the depressing state of the human condition. I’m far from figuring out a consistent solution, but I’m working several different angles – yoga, meditation, and therapy, to name a few. Some days these methods are effective, and I can self-soothe my frustration. And some days I yell “fat boy” at my neighbor for continuously slamming his door like an obnoxious idiot. I’m not proud of the way I behave when I get aggressive with others, but I’m working on it. I also wonder if I will ever be able to successfully reintroduce miss maryjane back into my life in a similar fashion to the relationship I have with alcohol – which is I can take it or leave it. I don’t crave booze. I can have a Scotch occasionally with friends and go months without a drink. It is this relationship of non-attachment that I strive for in every area of my life.
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