Tag Archives: Whoopi Goldberg

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

Bye Bye Mizz American Pie

Have you heard the rumors?  Different outlets are reporting Elisabeth Hasselback’s chair has been pulled out from under her at The View.  Apparently, market research suggested that Elisabeth was too right-wing and extreme.  Let me clutch my pearls in disbelief. On the heels of Joy’s exit, the timing is interesting indeed.  Two hosts gone, who will replace them?  I vote one slot goes to Mario Cantone.  1) He’s got legacy with the show.  2) He’s very New York.  3) Grande Dame Walters seems to like him. 4) He’s funny.  Regardless of who replaces Elisabeth, it will be a major improvement.  I won’t miss her snapping her jaw across the table like a chained junkyard dog.  However, I do wonder if they are just ignoring the market research that suggests we are all really tired of Barbara.  To truly freshen the show, Walters needs to go.

Sunday with Whoopi Fucking Goldberg

MARCH 2011 HOROSCOPE

Pisces Elizabeth Taylor – 27 February 1932

Hey there little birthday fishies.  Half the time you go with the flow; the other half you struggle against the current trying to make your way upstream.  Expect an extra dose of clumsy thanks to planetary fuckery.   Leave yourself enough time and pay attention.  Crutches really strip the swagger and ruin an outfit.  Especially enticing around the 18-19th, don’t waste your amped allure, Pisces.  Trade on the currency and let your admirers pay for the fun this month.  Wasting money ain’t an option this March.

Aries Joan Crawford – 23 March 1905

After a run of good luck Aries, sorry to say you are super fucked this month.  Blame Mercury in retrograde.  Mistakes, confusion, computer crash, accidents – you can’t stop the chaos, but try to remain supple in response.  Not all bad news this March, opportunities with long-reaching future benefits (or consequences) surface.  Best to focus efforts on friendships for the next few weeks.  Set up a few dates now, because later this month work will be miserable and tense.

TaurusKatharine Hepburn – 12 May 1907

Taurus glows this month, shining socially and professionally.  New connections and inspiring people enter the mix.  Cultivate old and new friendships; the soil is rich with all the right makings for meaningful affiliations.  Love and romance too blooms and thrives now.  The moon and planets align for Taurus this month, so take advantage and wake from the winter hibernation.

GeminiNatalie Portman – 9 June 1981

All the energy swirls around career this month for you Gemini.  A certain work project leads you down an interesting and unexpected path.  Intelligence has never been the problem; it is a lack of patience that delays your personal and professional advancement.  Invest in your career by attending trips, continuing education, or networking seminars.  Spend dough only on endeavors that pay career dividends this month – i.e. social events with a career-enhancing angle.

CancerMeryl Streep – 22 June 1949

Work has finally hit the shitter.  Save your ass by keeping a paper trail.  All the stress has got you fleeing for warmer waters.  Try checking out a new place for a quick getaway.  Communication flows and Crabs get their message across clearly now.  Don’t worry about money so much; a flux of income – maybe not yours, but at least in family – is headed your way.  Therefore, set your financial anxiety aside and think about this new career phase.

LeoAngela Bassett – 16 August 1958

Stick close to home Leos; delays, cancellations and lost luggage are on the cards for you this month.  Brace for mechanical problems with vehicles and appliances.  Set aside a safety net for repairs.  Planetary alignment creates an atmosphere ripe for learning over the next eight years.  Consider investing in new education or specialized training.  Leos are accustomed to attention, but this month folks will be especially receptive to your ideas.

VirgoIngrid Bergman – 29 August 1915

Like some of your astrological cousins, March brings chaos for you too Virgo, but this time in the form of financial mistakes.  Avoid any messiness: review statements carefully and pay bills timely.  After a rough patch personally, circumstances change and significant improvements are to your credit in the relationship realm.  Now is an excellent time to revamp your tired-ass look.  Finally things ease at work and cash-flow increases, perhaps in the form of a recognition, raise, bonus or gift.  Verify the veracity of gossip before passing it on.

Libra Susan Sarandon – 4 October 1946

Invest in some new bedding and loungewear.  March aspires to sleeping-in, relaxation, and brunch.  Take it easy, and this should be a great month for you.  Throughout the coming year, friendships will face a series of challenges.  Some amis prove their worth and others fall by the wayside.  Over the next two months in particular, focus attention on a relationship decision, but apply caution before acting.  Professionally, expect long-awaited news.

Scorpio Whoopi Goldberg – 13 November 1955

After a relatively peaceful stretch, conflict pops up again this month.  Trying to tell a Scorpio to avoid discord is like telling a fish to avoid water, but restrain from taking sides.  Domestic bliss comprised of lazy evenings and easy weekends dapple March.  Freshen the nest, clean, rearrange, and redecorate.  Friendships and romantic associations fill out the month; anticipate a few interesting new acquaintances.  Professionally, quick decisions precipitate rapid change.

SagittariusMo’Nique – 11 December 1967

March is all about competing values.  Friendships, romance, money, career, and self all struggle for attention this month.  Consciously choose where to spend your time and effort. As you may have noticed, the scattershot approach isn’t very effective.  One suggestion: turn on that Sag charm and play Betty Crocker.  Even though your words are all wit and woo, clarify thoughts before speaking, avoid assumptions, and give others the benefit of the doubt.

Capricorn  Luise Rainer – 12 January 1910

March finds Caps balancing a number of serious responsibilities.  Since juggling isn’t really your thing, the stress of it causes you to lash out.  We always hurt the ones we love and shit, right?  Always good with the pesos, the finances look stable, even though that bonus fell short of your prediction.  Purchase household items the first week of the month for value.  Shopping the last week of the month spells rip-off.

Aquarius Geena Davis – 21 January 1957

This is an interesting March for you Aquarius.  First off, surprises are on the horizon.  An extra dose of intriguing charisma increases your attraction and power.  At the very end of the month, close relationships suffer upset.  Turn the compassion way up.  Financially, now is the time to budget for the rest of the coming year.  This month, take extra care behind the wheel – no tailgating.

Oprah and Whoopi Bury the Hatchet?

Whoopi slipped a quiet bombshell into this morning’s View.  Apparently, Oprah has invited Whoopi on her show to celebrate the 25th anniversary of The Color Purple.  Guess Oprah’s finally gotten over that Lonesome Rhodes comment…

We’ve Got Spirits Yes We Do. We’ve Got Spirits How ‘Bout You?

This week Dean jetted off to NYC to promote a project even more D-List than a movie of the week – a sequel to a movie of the week called Santa Baby 2. While little asshole Liam snubbed his Dad, Tori made small talk while she waited for overpriced red velvet cupcakes to arrive at Dean’s hotel room. I’m sure they served as a nice nightcap to the wild night of coke and hookers he had planned while away from the McDermott Baby Factory.As many of you have heard, Bori and Mean’s fairy godmother granted them a multi-million dollar development deal with Oxygen.  One of the shows rumored in production is a wedding-themed show where Dean and Tori orchestrate nuptials for what I can only imagine are desperate couples.  The Brandy wedding story line is a clear attempt to introduce the concept of the spin-off.  For this event, Tori will double as planner and bridesmaid while Stella plays flower girl.

Man polish is more than a little gay.Told you he was a bully.

In the haunted McMansion, Tori and Mehran learned that Liam’s been courting the dark side while Stella’s suffering from crib-side cold spots.  This lead Tori and Mehran to call Mama Lola (captured beautifully by Whoopi Goldberg in an episode of So noTORIous.)The real life Mama Lola and her spiritual lackey Zaar dropped by to balance Tori’s mojo.  Miss Clairvoyant determined Tori’s preoccupied with Dean’s philandering by consulting with her magic oracle deck of playing cards.

Man-tunic wearing Zaar, channeling Otho from Beetle Juice, declared that two dead guys were chilling in the baby’s room sending Tori into a paranormal tailspin. Meanwhile downstairs, Mama Lola prepared Tori’s ritual cleanse.

Stripped down to her silicone, Tori rubbed burning voodoo tonic all over her body while Mama Lola repeatedly insisted “it’s not cold.”Mama Lola ordered Tori to wash her wcoocoon (booboon?  raccoon?) sending Tori into a flaming woodle dance as Mehran and Zaar cackled in the background.

Dean returned from NYC with gifts for the children.  He handed out candy to the kids and then chastised Tori for giving them the whole bag.  Dick you brought the M&M’s, why don’t you ration them appropriately if you are so pussy-hurt about it?Dean blew off the family his first day back to pimp some motorcycle crap that no one cares about.  This is a man in his mid-forties and he acts like Nick Hogan.  No surprise, they are both tribe douche. Again, instead of putting her Louboutin down on his nutsack, Tori let that shit slide and sought refuge in her gays.  While sorting through pictures under the pretext of organizing, Tori found barf bags with puppy love proclamations from the early days of their courtship.  She presented Dean with the nauseating mementos while they both sentimentalized Tori and Dean: the adultery years.

Both of these narcissists lack the insight to see that their marriage will never feel like their affair.  Tori has become the woman Dean left for her.  She married a serial cheater and it’s only a matter of time before she suffers a Sandra Bullock-style public humiliation.