Tag Archives: workout

8 douchey things dudes do at the gym

Douche dudes work out in beanies.  You might as well wear a t-shirt that says “I’m bald.”  Remove the beanie, douche.TEXTING DOUCHE

Douche dudes over train glamour muscles like biceps and under train functional strength like core.  Great, you can bench 350, but you can’t hold plank for one minute; you fucking weak-ass douche.WEAK DOUCHEDouche dudes grunt, slam weights, and engage in other attention-seeking behavior.  We don’t think you look strong, we think you sound dumb.GRUNT DOUCHEDouche dudes sit on workout machines and text.  Granted, workout machines are fucking useless and should be avoided, but they aren’t fucking bar stools, douche.TEXT DOUCHEDouche dudes swing their dick and nuts around when they should be contained in an appropriate garment.  If I can see the outline of the head of your peen through your shorts than you are a douche.DICK DOUCHEDouche dudes stand around in the locker room naked.  Put your clothes on, douche.NUDE DOUCHEDouche dudes drink protein shakes all day as if their job sitting on their ass selling insurance requires the physical stamina of erecting the Pyramids of Giza by hand.TWINKIE DOUCHE


On the Pole

So my girl Lisa and I went to pole dancing class last night: fully clothed, women only.  We didn’t know the damn difference either way, but in this particular class, the pole spun.  Apparently a little screw lives in the bottom and if you take it out the pole spins, and holy crotch-shot does that muthafucker spin fast?!We arrived a little early and signed our lives away in a questionably enforceable release form.  A class was finishing up before ours and the waiting area looks on to the dance floor, so we watched to see what to expect – booty shorts, leg warmers, and bedhead is what we got, in case you were wondering.The instructor introduced herself and gave a vague introductory spiel which could pretty much be summed up with these closing words of wisdom: “If you aren’t comfortable with sexy, go for graceful.”The class began with a weird wall warm up where we placed our shoulders against the wall, ass away from the wall, students in a line, staring at the mirror.  Cue a series of hip gyrating, sexy wall sits and body rolls.  Awkward.  We giggled our way through and couldn’t really muster the sexy self-thigh touching urged by the teacher.  From the wall we moved to the floor starting on all fours and moving through some rounding and arching of the spine, rib cage rolls, and booty pops topped off with frequent encouragement to whip our hair.  I didn’t watch the clock, but I’d guess we did about 20 minutes of floor work total, including abs.  The instructor let out random “whoots” and “you’re sexy!”Next the instructor broke us into groups 1) über beginners (us) + 2 others, 2) 3-4 intermediates, and 3) 2-3 more advanced.  Each group gathered around one pole in the front row.  There were other poles unavailable in the back row that were unused, but for some reason we grouped up and shared.  Not a plus in my opinion because who wants an audience when you are new at something and suck?  Let me endure my humiliation in semi-private with my own pole in the back row.  But alas it was not to be. The Pole Professor gave each group a move to work on; ours was the most basic, the fireman.  We took turns giving it a whirl.  It is a standard move, you’ve all seen it.  Walk around, twirl, you get it.  The pole spins though, so you start going and at first you don’t know how to slow down.  Think merry-go-round on meth.One girl in the group, we’ll call her the ringer, obviously had quite a pole dancing history and broke out a series of advanced moves.  Bitch this is the beginner group; go play with the intermediates.We clapped for one another, but Lisa and my expressions on the pole read more “clinging for life” than seductive.  The ringer had on short-shorts and showed a substantial slice of cooch splaying her legs like a profesh pole paper chaser.The standing around waiting for a turn pretty much plummeted any sort of physical fitness benefits.  It would have been nice if they had played music so we could dance in between.  The workout itself wasn’t very challenging.  The pole dancing does require specific strengths, and I’m sure we’ll be sore, but how much of that is from whipping our heads around like Tawny Kitaen?I don’t regret going, but I’m not sure I’m dying to perfect the art of pole dancing.  For what?  I’m not hitting amateur night.  I’d sooner die than install a pole in my home, so the potential for growth is rather limited.That said, I’d go again if another friend wanted to check it out.  After another several sessions, I might be able to do a trick or two.  But you will never catch my ass in a booty short.And on that note, the bodies of the instructors were decent, but not spectacular, which gives the impression that pole dancing isn’t going to provide miraculous changes in body shape.In sum, like most things in life pole dancing is worth a go at least once.  Would I add it to my regular work out regime?  No?  Do I think some of the moves are potentially dangerous – like the whipping of the head and neck?  Yes.Ultimately this pole-dancing fitness craze is worth a try, but it is not an ideal long term fitness plan.  Sprinkle it in like you do visits to the strip club – sparingly and not without some shame.

Friday’s 5 ways to burn 500 calories

Fuck for 100 minutes.Rearrange furniture for 67 minutes.

Shop if you must: 3 hours, 6 minutes. Catch up on sleep; 8.5 hours burns approximately 500 calories.Mop your dirty ass floors for 100 minutes.

Jackie Warner

A shaggy-haired Jackie Warner’s back on Bravo with a new weight-loss show, Thintervention, beginning next week.

We see you Jeana.

To vicariously live the Thintervention experience, Jackie’s got a couple of workout DVDs on the market.  The first, One-on-One Training with Jackie, was shot in 2008.  The second, Personal Training with Jackie: Power Circuit Training, was released last year.  Of the two, One-on-One is the better DVD.  It stars familiar faces from the gym including Rebecca and Agostina.  The one hour workout is divided into three sections: arms, legs, and abs.  Jackie’s not reinventing the wheel; we’re talking lunges, squats, sit-ups, and biceps curls.  Each trainer does a different part of the workout as Jackie cues the exercises and corrects form.  Most workout videos aren’t very challenging, and on a scale of 1 to 10, this one ranks about a 6.5.  Overall, it is a pretty well-rounded and complete strength training workout.  You will need about a six by six area of clear space and a set of hand weights.

Power Circuit Training has different menu options: 40 minute total body, 15 min total body, 15 min abs, 15 min lower body, and 15 minute upper body.  The full workout runs 42.54 minutes.  No familiar trainers here; never seen these folks before.  Jackie leads her usual warm-up for about 5 minutes.  The circuits begin with legs, followed by chest, back, arms, and abs.  Warner relies on boring (but effective) moves like squats, lunges, and shoulder presses.  There are three exercises per circuit; first done slower and longer, then faster and quicker.  Jackie actually exercises; sometimes with questionable form.  This one did not feel very challenging.  Too much of it involved lying on floor.  Compound movements would make this video more interesting, effective, and calorie torching.  On a scale of 1 to 10, a barely taxing 4.

Tracy Anderson Likes it on All Fours

So you better like it on all fours because that is where you are going to be for a good part of Perfect Design Series: Sequence 1Tracy upgraded nearly every aspect of production for this round of videos.  From the get, she changed the menu so you can add or subtract music and commentary.  The menu also subdivides the workout, warm-up, and her interview segment.  The music selections, primarily Spanishy guitar instrumentals, also improve over her first effort.

What I like best about this workout is that it feels short, but adequately challenging.  I haven’t actually timed it, but the description says it runs fifty-five minutes.  It feels more like forty-five.  It doesn’t require any special equipment or crazy amounts of space.  Most importantly, I’ve seen subtle improvements in my body without strictly adhering to Tracy‘s program.  I curse her under my breath, but she’s succeeded in lifting my ass a good inch.Tracy biffs it in a few departments.  The woman refuses to hold a stretch.  Most of this routine can’t be learned; it looks and feels pretty random – especially the arms and the standing abs section.  Spending so much time on the knees hurts, easily the first fifteen to twenty minutes of “butt work” is done on all fours.  I shudder to think where she built up all this on-her-knees stamina. 

I also wonder if Gwyneth approved this outfit.

Tracy wants $30 for each sequence or $85 for all three, add to that the dance cardio meant to be done in tandem for $15-$30, and you are over a $100 deep in workout videos.  Furthermore, it is super annoying that none of her videos are available on Netflix — as of yet.In sum, Perfect Design Series: Sequence 1 is an improvement over Tracy’s previous efforts in terms of production and quality.  However, you can dress a whore in Chanel and she’s still a whore, and in this case a leg lift, is a leg lift, is a leg lift.  If you don’t enjoy spending twenty minutes on all fours doing leg lifts, this video is probably not for you.