Tag Archives: Yoga

She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS

 

Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET

merci

AMALUNA WATER BOWLLast night, I was fortunate enough to land two free VIP tickets to Cirque du Soleil.  Having never attended the human circus, I jumped at the opportunity to see the show (and for anyone to confuse me with an actual VIP). AMALUNA BALANCEOur VIP tickets placed us very near the front of the stage in a venue where there isn’t really a bad seat.  We were so close, I could smell the various grooming products the performers used to steady their elaborate ‘dos and paint their faces into animalistic expressions.AMALUNA DANCERS LINEDuring intermission, VIPs were presented with champagne, delicious sweet nibbles – there were Nutella waffle bites that I could have shanked a bitch for – and a gift bag with a book and CD.  So this is what it feels like to get a schwag bag at the OscarsFANCY ROUGE TENTI’m sure many of you have caught a Cirque du Soleil show either in Vegas or on tour, but if you haven’t, I recommend you check it out at least once.  If only for the performers’ chiseled bodies – GSUS.  AMALUNA MUSCLESI would like to express my sincerest gratitude for the opportunity to see a world class performance which combines the best of circus, ballet, yoga, acrobatics, and costuming into one spectacular show.  It was beautiful, and even though I was blessed with gratis tickets, Cirque is fully worth the admission price.  Merci!BAR GIRLS AMALUNA

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

4 for Friday

YOGA TIMES SQUAREHappy Solstice!  Today we welcome summer.  I will complete 108 sun salutations to initiate in the new season.  The practice helps me shed old energy and embrace the future.  If my tan so far is any indication, this summer is going to be the best summer ever.  KIM AND KANYENo those bitches didn’t name that baby North West.  For fucksake. KIM AND KANYE MET BALL

PAULA DEEN LOVES BLACK PEOPLEIn this week’s non-bombshell news, is anyone actually surprised that Paula Deen is a racist?  OPRAH KNOWS ABOUT PAULA DEENFor today’s overreaching bossy advice I command you go outside and smile at a stranger.  Okay, fine, sneer if you want to, but go outside.  REESE BITCHFACE

five fart facts

I LOVE TO FART

At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.

STINKY TOOTS

Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots.  Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance.  Others believe it’s a genetic quirk.  I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. YOGA FARTThe bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.FART BREATH

The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze.  Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.EGGS AND MEAT

The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. LONGER LARGER FART

Saturday in Sedona

I’m meditating in the desert bitches.

Things I do that make no sense

I spend more on superfluousness in order to get free shipping. I turn my car stereo up so loud that I can’t hear my radar detector. 

I occasionally engage in road rage after yoga class.

4 for Friday

First, as predicted by many, Nashville lived up to its golden pedigree.  This isn’t a show about country music per se.  It is a modern soap set in a town run by country music (which is a meaningful difference).  Connie Britton hasn’t ever disappointed me, and I’m so happy to see her strong performance drive this staring vehicle.  Hayden Panettiere isn’t really that good of an actress so I’m assuming she was typecast because she delivers a surprisingly nuanced performance.  In sum, Nashville is worth tolerating a twang for.

Are we boycotting the Isabel Marant knockoffs?  Some of the downmarket versions are cute, but isn’t it embarrassing to wear something when the inspiration is so obviously stolen?  A quandary for sure, especially for those on a budget.  My opinion?  The copies I’ve seen are a little too close, but not close enough to get it quite right.  This time save up for the real thing or pass altogether on this tired trend and start a new look that’s all your own.  With autumn comes a vengeance of sneezers and coughers.  I know these cold sufferers are feeling really sorry for themselves, but seriously, cover your mouth and wash your hands.  Here’s a novel notion: if you are that sick, stay home, sip tea, and ask yourself why you were Patient Zero among your clan during this season of sickness.

In the market for new workout wear?  I get so many compliments on my Margarita yoga pants made by hand in Israel.  They hold up as well as Lulu, but have much more personality.