Tag Archives: Yoga

only as faithful as his opportunities

DOGS LOVE YOGAAs many of you know, I’m a yoga teacher.  Whatever, roll your eyes.   This one dude has been sporadically coming to my class for a couple years.  He’s nice enough, I guess; albeit a little clingy.  He’s always trying to hug.  (Stop hugging your yoga teacher.  We don’t want to hug everybody.)  Recently, he’s been pressing me to have an “evening tea with him.”  He’s married and his wife is out of the country on the front side of relocating the family.  So the wife takes the kids to Europe to get settled, and the chubby little skeeze of a husband hits on his yoga teacher.  Fucking Gross.  I tried to just dust him off, but he keeps coming back with pressured persistence.  Asshole, I’m not going to participate in your piggish fuckery.  I am not going to carry on with you in a way that disrespects your wife.  I decline to create the appearance of impropriety or compromise my character, dickwad  Do not be naively drawn into these nefarious shenanigans under false pretenses, folks.  He’s really trying to fuck. They’re always trying to fuck. GWEN

today was a good day

FILLMOREThanks to all my wonderful friends and students who came out to support me on a very big day.  I’m grateful for you.  IMG_0802IMG_0799

give it a year

WORKING GIRLProfessionally, the last five years have been difficult for many folks, myself included.  My undergraduate degree in philosophy prepared me to think deep thoughts while working retail, so I went the great fallback route and got a law degree to make my mom happy.  I litigated asses for a few years, hated it, and got swept up in the mass layoffs of 2009.  Shortly thereafter, my mom got terminally ill and I concentrated on seeing her through her last days in dignity.  Facing the brevity of life, I couldn’t go back to my soul-suck of career as a paper-pushing attorney.

So a little over a year ago against everyone’s expectations, I chose to pursue what is essentially a mythical career: a full-time yoga teacher.  I know you are rolling your eyes.  Everyone is a yoga instructor.  I get it.  Judge away.  You think I don’t get my share of jaw drops when I tell people I’m a licensed attorney teaching yoga full time?  Girl, please.  I’m not going to bore you with my credentials because I have nothing to prove, but let’s just say I have quite a bit more training than some eight week program at a local studio.  This decision was not made on a whim, I’ve been practicing and teaching for several years.YOGINI

I bargained with myself that I would give it a year; work hard, take every opportunity to teach, and ride out the financial valleys and peaks of this unpredictable career.  Not everyday was a success story.  I taught long stretches without a day off, on holidays, and subbed constantly.  Soon my income began to reflect my commitment level.  I’m doing exactly what I want to do and I couldn’t be happier.  I was a good attorney, but I’m an exceptional teacher.  I only feel comfortable saying that because I’ve worked hard to make it true (to the tune of 576+classes last year).BIKRAM CHILE

It isn’t too late to do what you want.  Yeah, it may require sacrifice, compromise, and strategic planning.  It will require you to bravely defy expectations, embrace humility, and realign priorities.  When you do get your ass on the golden path towards your soul’s rightful journey, your fate will rise up to meet you as the wind presses you towards your destiny.  Why spend your life slugging through the muddy path of resistance?  NEVERENDING STORYGive it at least a year.  Give it everything you’ve got.  Even if you fail miserably, at least you’ll avoid the tragic regret of abandoned dreams.  The more likely outcome is that you’ll succeed and never look back.FOLLOW YOUR HEART


She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS


Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET


AMALUNA WATER BOWLLast night, I was fortunate enough to land two free VIP tickets to Cirque du Soleil.  Having never attended the human circus, I jumped at the opportunity to see the show (and for anyone to confuse me with an actual VIP). AMALUNA BALANCEOur VIP tickets placed us very near the front of the stage in a venue where there isn’t really a bad seat.  We were so close, I could smell the various grooming products the performers used to steady their elaborate ‘dos and paint their faces into animalistic expressions.AMALUNA DANCERS LINEDuring intermission, VIPs were presented with champagne, delicious sweet nibbles – there were Nutella waffle bites that I could have shanked a bitch for – and a gift bag with a book and CD.  So this is what it feels like to get a schwag bag at the OscarsFANCY ROUGE TENTI’m sure many of you have caught a Cirque du Soleil show either in Vegas or on tour, but if you haven’t, I recommend you check it out at least once.  If only for the performers’ chiseled bodies – GSUS.  AMALUNA MUSCLESI would like to express my sincerest gratitude for the opportunity to see a world class performance which combines the best of circus, ballet, yoga, acrobatics, and costuming into one spectacular show.  It was beautiful, and even though I was blessed with gratis tickets, Cirque is fully worth the admission price.  Merci!BAR GIRLS AMALUNA

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

4 for Friday

YOGA TIMES SQUAREHappy Solstice!  Today we welcome summer.  I will complete 108 sun salutations to initiate in the new season.  The practice helps me shed old energy and embrace the future.  If my tan so far is any indication, this summer is going to be the best summer ever.  KIM AND KANYENo those bitches didn’t name that baby North West.  For fucksake. KIM AND KANYE MET BALL

PAULA DEEN LOVES BLACK PEOPLEIn this week’s non-bombshell news, is anyone actually surprised that Paula Deen is a racist?  OPRAH KNOWS ABOUT PAULA DEENFor today’s overreaching bossy advice I command you go outside and smile at a stranger.  Okay, fine, sneer if you want to, but go outside.  REESE BITCHFACE

five fart facts


At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.


Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots.  Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance.  Others believe it’s a genetic quirk.  I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. YOGA FARTThe bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.FART BREATH

The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze.  Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.EGGS AND MEAT

The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. LONGER LARGER FART